All Entries in the "Humor" Category

Online Extra: Downtown Campus to go men-only

By David Mendez

Next year, the Pima Community College Downtown Campus is set to become a boys’ club.

According to a classified memo from the PCC Downtown administrative office, plans have been set in motion to establish an all-male campus starting next spring.

First signs of the transition are scheduled to appear within the next few days.

The change in admissions policy for Downtown Campus appears to be in reaction to figures published earlier this year regarding the slipping enrollment rate among males at PCC, particularly for Hispanic men.

The memo obtained by Aztec Press staffers is light on detail, mostly providing an outline for the transition. Still, there were a few specific ideas mentioned, outlined below:

Beginning in Summer 2010, bathrooms will be redesigned and expanded. Women’s restrooms shall be renovated to include urinals, and new signs will be purchased for the doors.

Men’s restrooms shall be left mostly untouched, although a suggestion in the memo mentioned the possibility, pending budget restrictions, of installing televisions along the walls and TVs over the urinals like the ESPN Zone or Buffalo Wild Wings. The sets will be tuned to ESPN.

The central dining area is also designated for renovation. The memo suggests completely redecorating, preferring “something like a steakhouse, or a fine cigar shop,” with faux wood paneling and flat-screen televisions with satellite TV.

The cafe itself appears to be headed for redesign with a “sports-bar” feel, possibly going so far as to serve alcohol.

In the margins, “Buffalo Wild Wings?” appears to be written in pencil, suggesting that the school is interested in at least following the Buffalo Wild Wings model, if not attempting to bring in a franchise outright.

The report notes that Downtown Campus was selected because PCC’s construction and automotive programs are offered there.

Notes in the margins support the idea, reading “girls shouldn’t be holden [sic] tools anyway. They’ll hurt themselves.”

To date, the Aztec Press has been unable to obtain explicit confirmation on the memo or the ideas outlined within.

Check back on AztecPressOnline.com for more details in coming weeks.

Online Extra: Pima basketball teams sweep UA basketball teams

By James Kelley
Photo by Daniel Gaona

The Pima Community College basketball teams capped their landmark season on March 31, as the Aztecs extended the University of Arizona basketball teams’ misery.

The Pima men’s team beat the UA men and the PCC women beat the Arizona ladies in a charity game held to benefit victims of the Arizona state budget cuts. A $10 donation can be made by texting the word “ARIZONA” to 90999.

The doubleheader, even though the games started at 3 p.m. and 5 p.m. to accommodate the UA’s “experienced” fans, set a state record for a attendance for a charity game with 1,533.

The Aztec men built an early lead and cruised to a 98-87 win over the Wildcats. The loss is especially disappointing for the UA as they pushed for the game after not getting invited to the Not Invited Tournament or NIT.

“Hey, it could be worse, we could have lost to Jacksonville, at home, as a No. 1 seed,” said UA men’s head coach Sean Miller, referencing Arizona State’s embarrassing NIT loss. “I mean seriously, who even knew they had a team or a University?”

Aztec sophomore forward Travares Peterson scored a game-high 23 points, while Pima sophomore guards Warren Baker and Jeremy Harden scored 20 and 19 points, respectively.

“It’s a great win for Pima and it showed Tucson basketball didn’t go anywhere this year,” Peterson said.

Wildcat freshman forward Derrick Williams scored 20 to go with 12 rebounds, but was only 4-16 from the free throw stripe. Senior guard Nic Wise scored 17 points and dished 11 assists.

Arizona pulled to within six points with 5:34 to go, but then UA junior forward Jamelle Horne mistakenly dunked on the wrong basket, the Pacific-10 referees erroneously gave Pima the ball and then Miller received a technical foul. That series of plays ended the game quicker than the Kansas City Royals are out of contention.

Horne was not made available for comment after the game, instead the UA sent out freshman walk on Max Wiepking.

“Horney has the worst luck,” Wiepking said. “First he had that foul last year against UAB, repeated it at USC, then he picked Kansas to go all the way and now this.”

The women’s game lacked excitement as Pima cruised to a 56-41 win, even without injured star sophomore Abyee Maracigan. In fact, the Aztecs played much of the game with only four players to make the game more even.

PCC sophomore center Tia Morrison had a game-high 31 points and 19 rebounds. Pima sophomore and freshman guards Nene Villalobos and Patricia Ramos scored 12 points each.

“It was a good win for us,” Morrison said. “It was awesome to be out there with the girls one last time before the home crowd and you always want to win, whether it is South Central Arizona or Arizona Arizona.”

UA freshman guard Davellyn Whyte led the Wildcats in scoring with 23 points and UA junior forward Ify Ibekwe added 20.

“It was a great win for Pima, it shows we are the Real Deal,” said Pima women’s head coach Todd Holthaus. “The girls went out there and gave it their all and we came out on top.”

Online Extra: Rapper Jay-Z set to host concert in Pima gym

By Daniel Gaona
Photo by Matthew Henry

Last April, Jay-Z performed in Tucson at the Arizona Stadium. Almost exactly a year later, he is returning to Southern Arizona.

“I saw the life out there last year and I just had to come back,” Shawn Corey Carter said in a phone interview with the Aztec Press. “Once I see a fan base like that, I know I have to go back.”

This time, he will host his concert at the Aztec Gymnasium on the Pima Community College West Campus.

The Brooklyn-born star will make his Tucson return on April 31 at 7:30 p.m. Due to the size of the building, tickets are expected to go quickly.

PCC officials said the facility is limited to about 1,000 people, which will be strictly enforced because of fire codes.

Carter said he is looking forward to the more intimate set-up.

“I like performing in the smaller venues because it gives me a chance to get to know the crowd,” the rapper said. “It is amazing performing at places like Madison Square Garden in front of thousands of diehard fans but it is also great to mix things up a little.”

Jay-Z’s most recent release was Blueprint 3 in September 2009. It was the No. 1 album in its first two weeks after being released.

But Jay said those won’t be the only tracks he puts on for Pima fans.

“I want to go from beginning to end,” he said. “Nothing gets left behind. But of course I can’t play every song I’ve ever made.”

He also said it is likely he would bring some special guests on stage with him.

“Don’t be surprised if I’m not the only rapper up there during the concert,” he added.

Some comments hinted that he expects Young Jeezy and Kanye West to appear with him and possibly even female artists Rihanna and Alicia Keys. He also joked there will be no “T-Paining” referring to his song “Death of Auto-Tune.”

Ticket prices have not yet been set or released. The date for tickets to go on sale is still undetermined as well.

Pima’s concert director, Joe Kerr, said “a lot” of tickets will be given out in contests.

“This is the first time an event like this will be held here and we want to make everything of it,” Kerr said. “If people want tickets, then they better get in line.”

More updates will be posted on AztecPressOnline.com as they become available.

Online Extra: Study shows breasts have biological purpose

By Steve Choice

It turns out that men may need the birds and the bees explained to them with a little more clarity.

The results of a major study released last week have confirmed a long-held suspicion in the field of reproductive health.

The majority of American males have little or no idea that women’s breasts serve a biological function.

The Florida study was conducted at the University of Miami, Howard H. McCollum School of Health Sciences, and involved more than 1,000 subjects. National telephone interviews supplemented the data gathered live, adding another 1,500 men to the pool of respondents.

The results were striking, and just slightly depressing.

A full 63 percent of participants queried reported they did not believe women’s breasts served any function besides an aesthetic one.

Another 21 percent characterized themselves in the study as “kind of aware,” meaning they had an incompletely formed notion of the part breasts play in the feeding of newborns.

The primary biological purpose for women’s mammary glands is to produce milk for infants, and to provide babies a point of access for their source of sustenance in the early months of life.

“What this research tells me is that males in this country are in dire need of better education in the areas of biology and sexual reproduction,” said Geoffrey Manning, professor emeritus at the University of Miami School of Medicine, who spearheaded the project.

“It also lends more insight into why I was so much better than my peers in my school days,” the dignified-looking academic added. “No wonder they laugh at us in Europe.”

The medical team carrying out the study partnered with a group of sociologists, whose main role was to interpret the data.

“In one sense, this does come as somewhat of a surprise,” said Maritza Sanchez, head of Miami’s sociology department.

“I have always known that men were basically transfixed by breasts, but I didn’t realize the severity or breadth of the problem,” the native of Barranquilla, Colombia, added.

“It’s like these guys have been walking around in some blissful breast-induced fog all of their lives, refusing to try and learn the basics about women. We’re still trying to fully understand what these results are telling us.”

Sanchez, herself a very shapely woman, has been combating male ignorance all her life.

“Oh, yes,” she sighed. “I thought it would be different when I came to this country during my university days. But men are the same everywhere.”

Sanchez said she learned that sad truth while dating American men.

“I could talk all night long about my academic achievements or my views on life,” she said. “But then I saw their eyes glaze over. It’s like there’s just one word in their minds.”

Manning hopes the groundbreaking study will be the first step in bringing men to a better understanding of the female secondary sexual characteristic.

“I’d like to see breasts demystified for the average male,” Manning said. “And I just pray to God that my daughters never marry any of these people.”

Online Extra: Vice presidential candidate to be reality TV star

By Debbie Hadley

Sarah Palin is close to finalizing a deal to be paid $1 million an episode for a new reality miniseries to be aired by Discovery Communications, sources say.

The show will focus on the former vice presidential candidate taking viewers on a scenic tour of Alaskan trout streams and showing bear traps that she personally set up in multiple forested locations.

The aim is for the show to be a contender against Discovery’s like-minded miniseries, “Life” and “Planet Earth.”

Palin is reportedly also willing to give viewers a look into her home life.

Cameras will follow her around her hometown, Wasilla, while she readjusts her Bumpit and makes speeches in front of staged Tea Party members with penned notes on the palm of her hand.

It’s unknown how the show will be received by the general media, but when Vice President Joe Biden got wind of the news, he was overheard saying, “Big f-ing deal.”

Online Extra: Man-Ram: ‘I wanted to be a girl!’

By Eric Townsend

LOS ANGELES- Baseball star Manny Ramirez revealed today that he wants a sex change.

The multi-million dollar hitting machine sat out for more than 50 games last year due to his suspension after failing Major League Baseball’s strict drug testing.

The 12-time All-Star was caught taking a women’s fertility drug that was prescribed to him by his personal physician.

Original reports had insisted that Ramirez was coming off his last steroid cycle, and was using the drugs to essentially cover up his enhanced testosterone levels.

Ramirez has persistently claimed that the reports are false.

“I was never taking steroids,” Ramirez said. “That’s why I was confused I was being suspended from the league.”

Ramirez, nicknamed “Man-Ram,” met with his personal physician in 2008.

“Manny came to me with a sense of urgency” the physician said. “He genuinely expressed his growing disinterest in baseball, and urged me to make him a woman. I warned him about the severity of a gender-altering operation, and I insisted there was a much safer alternative.”

After months of speculation, Ramirez finally revealed the truth.

“I was afraid to let everyone know at first, I didn’t know how people would react,” Ramirez said. “I knowingly took those drugs, because I wanted to be a girl!”

As Ramirez’s contract with the Dodgers is set to expire after this season, it is likely the future hall of famer and possible first female major leaguer will not re-sign in an attempt to pursue his current aspirations.

Issue 5 horoscopes

By Taylor Bock

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’re a romantic through and through, Taurus. Your love is so deep that you’re guaranteed happiness. Oh wait, that’s from last year. Your current horoscope says you’re a loser and you’ll die alone.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Pay attention to your elders, Gemini. It pays to listen to what they have to say. That way you get a chance to be in their will and get all their stuff when they die. Don’t be afraid to help along that last part.

Cancer (June 22- July 22)
Things suck, Cancer. Not everything will go your way, and you can’t get too upset about it. Chances are, nothing will ever go your way. Get used to your new home: Mediocrity-ville.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)
You’re able to brighten anyone’s day, Leo. But considering I’m lacing everyone’s horoscopes with venom this issue, I have to insult you somehow. I know: your feet smell and you need a haircut.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)
You’ve got some interesting ideas, Virgo. It’s too bad they all suck. What? I’ll bet the creators of the Hindenburg would have liked to know the blimp would crash and burn.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Next time you start daydreaming, don’t come out of it, Libra. Just stay there. The longer you stay in la-la-land, the longer you can escape your depressing little blip of an existence.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Scorpio, go hang out with real people. No, not your raiding party in World of Warcraft. I mean actual living, breathing people. They’re human beings. People. Oh forget it, I give up.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)
I’m being really mean to everyone else, but you know what? You’re cool, Sagittarius. You’re going to have a lovely next few weeks, until the next paper comes out. Then I’ll rip you a new one so big you could park a semi-truck in it.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)
Be cautious, Capricorn. You never know who’s watching. Someone could be watching you right now. I could be watching you… Nah, I’m just messing with you. God, you’re gullible.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Don’t lose your temper, Aquarius. Nothing good ever happens when you succumb to rage. Although it is pretty damn funny to watch someone explode like that. Actually, you should go berserk. I’ll get some popcorn and take a seat.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)
Ooooh, you’re in trouble, Pisces. The authorities know what you did and they’re coming right now to take you away. You’ll share a cell with Aquarius and, believe me, he will not be a pleasant cellmate.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
If you’re curious, Aries, I’ve had a bad head cold and I’m cranky. That’s why I’m being so vicious toward the other signs. But I’m sparing you and Sagittarius. I decided that you’re both cool this week, for no particular reason.

Issue 4 Horoscope

By Taylor Bock

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Don’t dwell too much on the future, Taurus. Try to live your life in the here and now. Anxiety and stress shorten your lifespan. All the more reason not to think about it if you’re the really nervous type.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Keep your mouth shut, Gemini. That comment you made about the guy with the huge mole might come back to haunt you. If he confronts you, how can you take him seriously if you’re staring at the giant mole?

Cancer (June 22- July 22)
Make yourself look good, Cancer. No one wants to be friends with a big ugly smelly guy. Unless it’s another big ugly smelly guy. Then you can start a club called “The Big Ugly Smelly Guy Club.” I nominate you for president.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)
Don’t be taken in by Internet scams, Leo. I’ve won the Irish lottery seven times, gotten four urgent messages from the president of Africa and three e-mails from long-lost cousins who need money for their duck farm. Yes, that last one was real.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)
You’re just going to have to get up and do something, Virgo. Not all things come to those who wait. Some things come to those who rise up and kick ass.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You lack discipline, Libra. You need to be more strict, more on-time and more diligent. I’m going to show you how…eventually. Maybe tomorrow. Hey, can you get me a soda?

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Sorry, Scorpio. I know I told Virgo to get up and be awesome but you’ll have to sit around and wait. Maybe you and Libra can hang out for the day. And Libra, I’m still waiting for my soda.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)
You aren’t as weak as you look, Sagittarius. Somewhere inside is a fierce and able warrior ready to tackle great challenges. Your first challenge: tell Libra to get here with that soda. Seriously, he’s taking forever.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)
I have nothing to tell you, Capricorn. Just relax and stay cool. As for YOU, Libra, I’m really tired of waiting for my soda. If you aren’t going to bring it to me, don’t bother coming back.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Stop worrying, Aquarius. Everything is going to be fine. Oh and I’m sorry Libra, I shouldn’t have been so harsh. I don’t really need that soda. I’m sorry I got mad. Hugs?

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)
Take it slow today, Pisces. No need to rush anywhere. Lay back and relax. But before you do, would you mind getting me a soda? I mean, things are cool with Libra now, but I’m still thirsty.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
OK Aries, you’re my last hope. I really want that soda, but Libra and Pisces won’t get me one. I’m counting on you, man. What? What do you mean “no?” Fine, screw all you guys. I’ll get up and get it myself. Sheesh.

Issue 3 Horoscopes

By Taylor Bock

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You’re going to come across something seemingly amazing, Aries. But remember that things aren’t always as they seem. That deluxe ultra cheeseburger with extra bacon just might have a cockroach in it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Sometimes you just have to realize when something is a bad idea, Taurus. For example, it may seem like a good idea to tell a dead baby joke. But it may be a bad idea to tell a dead baby joke to woman who just had a miscarriage.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Be nice to people today, Gemini. If one of your friends is low on cash for lunch, buy him something. Then next time you’re low on cash, you can say “But dude! I got you lunch last time! You totally owe me!”

Cancer (June 22- July 22)

Try something new, Cancer. Who knows? It could lead to some real good or even love. Maybe try rock climbing. When you fall off and get mangled on the way down, you could meet a cute paramedic when they take you to the hospital.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

You’re on fire today, Leo! No really, you’re on fire! Quit reading, and stop, drop and roll!

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

You have some good ideas, Virgo. Get out there and share them with the world. That electric toothbrush/toaster combination is pure genius. It’s sure to take off eventually.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Use your charisma to your advantage, Libra. Once you have someone in the palm of your hand, get them to buy you ice cream. Just make sure you and Gemini don’t choose the same guy, or else he’ll suspect something.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Stay cool, Scorpio. No matter what kind of crazy thing goes down today, keep calm and chill. If there’s a Godzilla attack, lean up against a streetlight and put on your shades. You don’t care if buildings are exploding. You’re just being cool.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)

You need to slow down your head, Sagittarius. You’re thinking far too hard about things. Slow things down and think simple. If you can’t decide between ketchup and hot sauce, compromise and mix them together. It’s actually pretty good.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)

You’re the captain today, Capricorn. Command your hardy crew, take your ship to the seas and set sail for new lands. Or maybe just carpool to a movie theater if the latter option seems a bit too tough.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Good lord, Aquarius. You may be a cool person, but don’t get a swelled head about it. You aren’t God’s gift to the planet. Calm down your ego a few notches and don’t be such a jerk.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

Do a little experimenting, Pisces. I would suggest a lengthy study on what shoes cause the most pain when you kick a guy in the balls. Finding willing participants will be hard, though. I suggest Gemini, he’s gullible lately.

HOROSCOPE

By Taylor Bock

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Don’t ignore that voice in your head, Aquarius. If it’s telling you to get things done, do them. If it’s telling you to burn things, please move a few yards away from me.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)
Cheaters never prosper, Pisces. It’s always a bad idea to take the easy way out. That is, unless you’re really good at it. People always say you have to play to your strengths.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
It’s time to start whatever big projects you have lined up, Aries. Like moving that rank old couch out of your 5th story apartment when you don’t even remember how you got it there in the first place.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
If you’ve earned something, Taurus, take it. Don’t let anyone else take credit. If this is a problem, I suggest a duel. Pistols at dawn should work nicely.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Are you getting enough sleep, Gemini? Are you so tired that you close your eyes while you’re driving? Well start getting some damn rest or a head-on collision will be your wake-up call.

Cancer (June 22- July 22)
Stick to places that feel comfortable, Cancer. There’s a time for exploring and discovery, but this isn’t it. Stay home if you can. Catch up on some sleep so you don’t wind up like Gemini.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)
Heed the advice I gave to Pisces, Leo. Cheating and shortcuts never work. Get down and dirty and do some hard work. If any Pisces give you a smug, smart-ass look, throw a solid punch. They probably deserve it.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)
Don’t put off that talk, Virgo. Your friend is causing problems, so don’t shirk the responsibility. Someone has to tell him the constant “Your Momma” jokes are not funny.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You should stay home too, Libra. But while chilling, work on your living space. Clean your bathroom once in a while. I’ve seen gas station rest rooms that look more inviting.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Feeling jealous, Scorpio? Don’t let other people’s success get to you. You’ll get to the top one day. For now, just try to be happy with your pitiful, unsuccessful and pointless existence.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)
The actual Internet horoscopes have advised Cancer and Libra to stay home. You know what, screw the horoscopes. Go outside, Sagittarius. Just to rebel against the horoscope authority.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)
There’s a bomb in your lunch, Capricorn. No really, there’s a bomb. You should give me your food. I’ll sacrifice myself and eat it for you. What? Why are you giving me that look? I’m totally serious here.

Horoscope

By Taylor Bock

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Try not to think too much, Aquarius. Over-thinking has been the bane of many healthy young college students. Just keep in mind the KISS method, “Keep-It-Simple-Stupid,” as opposed to SWAG, “Scientific-Wild-Ass-Guess.”

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)
It’s a new year, Pisces. It’s time to be more open to things that used to seem taboo. Ever thought of getting a tattoo? Go get one. Ever been curious about snakes? Get one as a pet. Ever thought of joining a cult? Hell, be the best damn cultist you can be.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
It must suck to come back to Pima, Aries. Now you’re in class instead of sleeping through the morning. Unless you’re like me and don’t start the day ‘til noon. High five to all the other readers who get to sleep in.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Things may be feeling a little weird right now, Taurus. It could be coming back to school, or it could be the two tiny puncture wounds on your ankle. If it’s the latter, you probably got bit by a rattlesnake. Call 911.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Do you feel discouraged, Gemini? Does it feel like your life is going nowhere and you’ve just wasted your time going to classes? Well, you’re probably right. But keep going to class anyway. It gets you out of the house.

Cancer (June 22- July 22)
You’re feeling pretty confident, Cancer. It’s a bright, sunny day full of opportunity to get a leg up in life. Go be awesome and successful. Then go rub it in a Gemini’s face just to piss them off.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)
This a good time for relationships, Leo. Make some new friends in your classes, or maybe find a nice boyfriend/girlfriend. But just for reference, don’t use the mole on your back that looks like Mick Jagger as a conversation starter.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)
Someone else isn’t doing their share of the work, Virgo. You’ve got a slacker in your life and you need to wake them up. I recommend a burlap sack filled with oranges. I hear oranges don’t leave bruises.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Are you thinking about Valentine’s Day, Libra? It pays to think ahead. Plan a romantic night with a soft and lovely mix CD. Just try not to accidentally get Ramstein mixed in there. Nothing interrupts a tender moment like angry German heavy metal.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Let your imagination take the pilot seat, Scorpio. Take something boring and make it amazing. Tired of the same boring turkey sandwich? Add some applesauce and gummi bears. Will it taste better? Maybe not, but it’s sure as hell more interesting!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)
You’re about to have some interesting luck, Sagittarius. Prepare yourself for whatever could happen. You might find 20 dollars on the ground. Or flying monkeys might try to kidnap you. I’d start bringing a golf club to campus, just in case.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)
The coming days are all about willpower, Capricorn. Get out there and prove how much will you have. Swallow a spoonful of wasabi, then go two hours without food or drink. Just to prove that you can.