All Entries in the "Humor" Category

Top 10 reasons it’s cool to be a nerd

By MYLO ERICKSON

aztecpress@pima.edu

Being a nerd gives you a lot of time to think, and I mean a lot of time. As I was sitting in my computer chair staring at my wall of Minnesota Twins stuff and enjoying some Cheetos… mmm orange fingers, oh, and drinking Diet Mountain Dew, I managed to come up with the top 10 reasons it’s cool to be a nerd:

1.     The nerd look is in.

2.     When zombies attack, nerds will know what to do.

3.     You get to live with your parents until you’re 40.

4.     Dice are your weapon of choice.

5.     You’re able to control monsters and magic, as long as you have the right cards.

6.     You keep your virginity… that’s cool right?

7.     You don’t look like an out-of-place creeper at a toy store.

8.     People send you hot pictures of themselves over the Internet… What do you mean that’s not her? Of course she looks like that and lives at home. What do you mean that picture was in this year’s Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue? Damn it, oh well.

9.     Sports can be nerdy, too! (Fantasy sports.)

10.  Body odor keeps unwanted people away. Unfortunately, it also keeps away wanted people.

CRACKING WISE: Celebrate geekiness

By DAVID MENDEZ

aztecpress@pima.edu

There’s nothing worse than a screaming fanboy, Pima.

A few of you may be unfamiliar with that term, but I guarantee that you know at least one fanboy (or fangirl — I’m all about being inclusive here.)

For example, look at people who own both a MacBook and an iPhone 4.

The owners will crow about what well-made products they are and how perfectly they do everything desired. But after a few minutes you’ll figure out the truth: They have no blasted idea what they’re talking about.

They bought the products because they’re fancy and popular. In fact, these are probably the same kids who demanded Furbies and Tamagotchis in the mid-to-late ‘90s. (It just occurred to me that some of you may be too young to get those references. I feel ancient.)

That’s OK, though! There’s something quaintly pleasant about being blindingly ignorant. Most politicians have built their careers off of it. Look at John McCain and his waffling about gays in the military, or Raul Grijalva thinking that boycotting Arizona could possibly be a good idea.

The problem lies in not having any idea of what you’re talking about, but still blindly following in the footsteps of a product or company while screaming about how a competitor is completely inferior.

It’s like someone who votes for a Palin regardless of what the election is about (Bristol Palin and “Dancing with the Stars,” anyone?)

Still, as a video gamer, I’ve done my fair share of this in the past. Just look at my tirade against “DJ Hero” earlier this year, or the personal threats I’ve made to friends who talk badly about the Fallout series.

(Though, to be fair, my threats encouraged my roommate to try “Fallout 3.” It’s all about the little victories, right?)

When you look at it, fanboyism is simply product worship. Everyone does it, whether they admit to it or not, from Apple enthusiasts to Pepsi drinkers to NFL fans to the people who line up at midnight movie premiers about their favorite book series. (Twilight, Potter and comic book fans should all be nodding right now.)

We’re a culture of geeks, Pima. It’s time we all sat down and celebrated that for what it is. Let’s not make fun of each other for what we love, like a bunch of annoying, screaming fanboys.

Mendez wipes his feet with the line between “humor columnist” and “annoyingly preachy writer.” Tell him how wrong he is at mendez.jdavid@gmail.com.

CRACKING WISE: Oldies but goodies

By DAVID MENDEZ

aztecpress@pima.edu

There’s a saying, “If the music is too loud, you’re too old!” The phrase is usually thrown out by balding, aging rockers holding onto their youth with bony, Bud Light pop-tab scarred hands.

I hate to say it, but today’s music is getting too loud for me.

Sure, I’m the ripe old age of 23, but I’ve made the switch from KFMA and “Today’s New Rock” to good ol’ classic rock KLPX. If nothing else, I appreciate excited guys in leather pants to whiny guys in tight jeans.

Here’s a favor for those of you who only know Santana as the old guitar guy who does lots of duets. I’ll provide a five-song playlist of my favorite tunes from more than 15 years ago. (Sorry, but excluding ‘90s songs completely makes me feel far too old.)

1. “Good Times, Bad Times” – Led Zeppelin (1969)

We’re starting with one of the biggest rock bands of all time, so listening to this won’t earn you any Oldie Cred (similar to Indie Cred, but without having to listen to bands like Deermouse or Iron and Wine to seem cool). This song is guaranteed to get you funny looks at stoplights thanks to your “mad air guitar skillz.”

1. “I Wanna Be Your Lover” – Prince (1979)

If you’re in your late 20s, there’s a damn good chance you were conceived to this song. I swear I’ll give good money to anyone who honestly tells me they can’t, er, “get their groove on” to this song.

1. “Higher Ground” – Red Hot Chili Peppers (1989)

Sure, most of you know who the Chili Peppers are, but few people who aren’t music geeks have heard their funky, slightly heroined-out songs from the ‘80s and early ‘90s. This bass line will rewrite your pulse.

1. “Samba Pa Ti” – Santana (1970)

This is the kind of song where, once you get into it, you’ll tell everyone else in the car to shut up before you throw them out. I would go into my personal experience, but I’ve been advised to keep quiet until we finish the settlement. Just saying.

1. “Jeremy” – Pearl Jam (1992)

OK, Pearl Jam is still somewhat popular, but you can’t deny this song’s stark, powerful lyrics. The best part, however, is looking back to see how Eddie Vedder’s half-yodeling style of singing influenced terrible musicians from Scott Stapp and Chad Kroeger.

(Side note: Nothing will enliven karaoke like trying to sing every song ala Scott Stapp. Use ‘80s power ballads for best effect!)

That’s all I’ve got for now, folks. Remember: Just because your parents listened to it when they were young doesn’t mean it’s terrible music… unless they listened to Hall and Oates.

Mendez is not nearly as funny as he thinks he is, and he’s sure you agree. He can be reached at mendez.jdavid@gmail.com.

CRACKING WISE: Talk to us, Pima!

By DAVID MENDEZ

mendez.jdavid@gmail.com

Overall, I’m pretty awesome.

I’m smart, funny, intelligent, reasonably handsome and, despite this current self-love session, typically humble about it all.

You all feel the same way about me, I’m sure.

Heck, I’m the reason most of you pick up this paper. (Other reasons: Award-winning journalism, students wishing to see their name in the paper, something to read in your psychology lecture.)

But despite my success in becoming a household name, Pima, something has been missing as of late.

At my current home base of West Campus, the slogan being bandied about by Student Government has been “Get Involved.”

The student body hasn’t necessarily taken that slogan to heart more this semester than in the past, but “Get Involved” is definitely reflected in the number of special events put forth by the student government.

There have been performances, movie screenings, free Eegee’s, other food and drink, even an HIV testing day. Generally, turn-out has been great. If nothing else, that means students are showing up.

As far as the Aztec Press is concerned, it’s clear that students are supporting us – even if it’s only within the realm of grabbing a paper and leaving it on the cafeteria table for someone else to spill their ketchup on.

Which brings me to a point. Folks, the newspaper isn’t just a grease catch anymore.

Times are changing, and our very own Aztec Press is making efforts to keep up. We’ve got Twitter accounts, Facebook pages and new plug-ins rolling out on the website (www.aztecpressonline.com) every week.

(Speaking of shameless plugs – I mean plug-ins, have you seen our new weekly poll? Log on and tell us what you think, each and every week.

Each addition encourages new ways for us to communicate with you. But like I said, something’s still missing. Any guesses?

You’re right, guy wearing the black T-shirt with the snarky saying! We’re missing interaction, my fellow Pimans (which, according to a standard I just made up, is the official way to pluralize Pima students.)

You see, although I can hear your praise and applause from all around the Tucson area (it sounds remarkably similar to excited crickets,) I’m missing your insightful comments – your ideas, your comebacks, your insults.

The newspaper has always been a community’s conversation with itself. So, start talking to me and, by extension, to yourself. Don’t worry: No one will make fun of you as long as you don’t do it aloud in public.

Post comments on our online stories! E-mail us at aztecpress@pima.edu!

You can even get to me directly at mendez.jdavid@gmail.com, where I’ll respond to any and all date requests, party invitations and threats against my person.

Help us help you, Pima. Help you help yourselves.

More importantly, help me be more awesome.

Listen to David talk about his goals.

CRACKING WISE: Do gadgets make us dumb?

By David Mendez

Last week, my Xbox Live subscription ran out, and I noticed something for the first time: it sucks to play a game without online multiplayer.

Upon analyzing this newly held belief, I couldn’t help but reflect upon my gaming life. How on Earth did I get to this point?

I thought past all the shiny, 3D first-person shooters (“Halo,” “Call of Duty”) and open-world sandbox games (“Grand Theft Auto”) and got back to what kindled my gaming love: “Super Mario Kart.”

(Quick aside: I caused a slight disruption at my uncle’s wedding because my older cousins promised me Ninja Turtle time on their Nintendo. Apparently, saying “Turtle Power” into a church microphone during the ceremony is frowned upon, even for a 3-year-old.)

In any case, I played and beat “Super Mario Kart” as early as age 5. My mom has photographic proof. I’m shocked it isn’t on the same wall back home as my naked baby pictures.

It seems ridiculous to play video games at such a young age. Beating a game pre-kindergarten is akin to a first-degree geek black belt.

While thinking about this (you might infer that studying wasn’t high on my to-do list that day), I flashed back to an article I read earlier in the week, titled “Can We Blame Tech For Turning Kids Into Dolts?”

Apparently, adolescents today are dumber than ever — mechanically speaking. Some kids are bewildered by such ancient technology as coat hangers and can openers. They can’t fasten their shoes without using Velcro.

“Dumb” is a relative term in this instance. I concede there are people who can’t change a spare tire by themselves (they’re called “liberals.” Self-deprecation zing!).

But kids today aren’t dumb — they’re skilled in other ways. After all, you wouldn’t put a “dumb” label on an old person who has no idea how to send an e-mail. You’d call them “Grandma.”

Parents, you can’t blame computers and video games for making your kids dumb if you’re the one placing them in your kids’ dirty, sticky hands.

Do the world a favor: Play games with your children. Teach them something useful. At the very least, impart some common sense.

No one wants to be responsible for the kid being pried away from a podium by a priest.

Horoscope

By Ana Ramirez

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Libra, this is your month to shine. Start thinking as Outkast would put it, “ain’t nobody dope as me, I’m dressed so fresh, so clean.” Get your hair cut and freshen up. You’ll soon be busy sipping margaritas of success.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

When you hear the name Machiavelli, do you think it refers to Tupac Shakur’s CD, “Makaveli?” Think instead about “The Prince,” and the man who first said “the end justifies the means.” It’s time to take your education more seriously.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)

Your ferris wheel of life seems stuck. Get off and find another ride.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)

Mother knows best? Think again. It’s time for the hatchling to leave the coop. That’s right, move out of Mommy and Daddy’s house and start your own life. Spread your wings a bit.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

All is well in the life of Aquarius. You work hard and are succeeding. Take a picnic.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

If you’re like Andre Nickatina and catch yourself saying “I’m a Pisces but I rather be a killa whale,” go rediscover what Pisces are all about. Unworldly, compassionate, imaginative, idealistic.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Enough with ripping out pictures from magazines and watching romantic comedies. Stop dreaming of the day you will become one of those characters. Start your own story.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Your heart might be broken this week but next week you’ll be glad it’s over. Just think, no more drunken arguments. I bet you wish you never got those initials tattooed.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Try not to worry too much about the mistakes you’ve made. Learn from them and try not to repeat. Just remember: some mistakes never go away.

Cancer (June 22- July 22)

You’ve been going on walks to ponder life and events. Yesterday you thought you saw a sign that things are looking up. Maybe the thing that made the day a little brighter was always there and you weren’t looking hard enough. Learn to appreciate the small things in life.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

Unlike Cancer, you’re looking way too hard and making things too complicated. Calm down. You’ll find what you want. Take a deep breath and stop caring so much.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

There is such a thing as being too nice. Don’t let others take advantage of you. You’ll get fed up and become a bitter person.

CRACKING WISE: Internet Idiots Abound

By David Mendez

I, like most of you who have Internet access at work, spend a lot of time online. (Though, like all of you, I never waste class time online. Right? No, don’t nod your head or your instructor will notice. Good job.)

This may come as a shock, but as a journalist I keep up with the news quite a bit — newspaper websites, blogs, webcomics about stick figures, etc.

Unfortunately, despite being intelligent, witty and charming, I appear to lack the sense to stay away from the comment section of these sites.

I’m no stranger to the vitriol of the Internet. After all, I play Call of Duty online. There’s nothing quite like hearing a 12-year-old tell you what he did with your mother last night.

Still, something special happens when you give regular, decent human beings the freedom to anonymously comment on subjects they know nothing about: they become one of any variety of Internet douche bags.

If you’ve spent any time on the Internet, you know what I’m talking about. There’s the standard ill-informed conservative, screaming that our president is a Muslim who hates White America (which, by admission, isn’t one of Eminem’s better songs.)

There’s the touchy minority defender who screams that any mention of a person’s nationality is racism, completely ignoring that the phrase “pot calling the kettle black” has nothing to do with African-American cookware.

There’s also the standard Internet belief that anyone who stands for gay rights has to be gay. That is so blindingly stupid that I don’t even want to waste time sarcastically refuting it.

Last, but certainly not finally, there’s “tl;dr” which is shorthand for “too long; didn’t read.” That happens to be shorthand for “I give you full permission to ignore my forthcoming opinion on the Playstation 3, which is what I think this article might be about based on the title.”

Let’s be real with ourselves here, people. Unless you’ve got a need for attention comparable to anyone on “Dancing With The Stars” (my football savior Kurt Warner excepted), don’t be an Internet douche bag. Life’s just easier that way, kids.

For the record, my mother is a lovely, happily married woman — and if you cross her, she’ll destroy you on Call of Duty.

Horoscope

By Ana Ramirez

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

Tired of being alone? It’s time to put on your best shoes and dress to impress. Go out and meet new people. In no time, you’ll be snuggling with that cutie from math class who has you all goo-goo eyed.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Let your inspiration fly. Show off your artsy self. Pick up a pencil or camera and show the world what you see and feel. People will be amazed.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Put down the Ben and Jerry’s ice cream before you enter a comatose state. Start jogging or join a gym, and work those buns off.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)

Think you and your significant other are drifting apart? Think again. As a fortune cookie told me, “To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.”

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)

You’re about as real as a unicorn, Capricorn. Stop pretending you’re something you’re not. People will like you a lot more when you can be honest with yourself. In addition, you’ll be a lot happier.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You’ve become quite the insomniac. Ease up on the partying and studying. Learn how to dream again. Find out if you’re one of the many people who dream in black and white or if you’re one of the few to dream in color.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

You are accident-prone this week, Pisces. Be careful while driving or even crossing the street. If you try shark diving, you’ll end up as live fish bait. Cue the “Jaws” theme song.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Put down that pencil! It’s the beginning of school and you’re already stressing. Ease up a bit and take a break. Don’t completely put off your homework, but soak up the summer sun while it lasts.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Instead of thinking and wishing that this year will be different, make it happen. Stop worrying about what others think and do what you want. This is the time to figure yourself out. Weigh your options and go with your heart.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Gemini, Gemini, Gemini. You clip your toenails in the living room when you have guests and your breath smells like a wounded turtle. Start using sensible hygiene and stop jamming to Breaking Benjamin at 3 a.m. It really is just embarrassing.

Cancer (June 22- July 22)

You’ve been trying too hard to be mature. Embrace your inner child again and rent a movie, maybe “Free Willy” or “James and the Giant Peach.” You’ll learn to laugh and cry again, all at the same time.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

You’ll be very disappointed by your horoscope…

Cracking Wise: “Endless Setlist” wasn’t kidding

By David Mendez

So, I think I’ve got an understanding of what a repetitive stress injury feels like.

Against my better judgment, I spent the better part of Labor Day weekend trying to beat Rock Band’s “Endless Setlist” on the hardest settings with an old roommate.

For people who just crawled out of a cave, Rock Band is one of the many music-based games currently on the market, alongside such games as Guitar Hero (the “Kleenex” of music games), Lips (the “Puffs” of music games) and DJ Hero (the toilet paper you blow your nose with when you can’t find anything else.)

Guitar Hero is famous for letting you pretend you can play guitar so long as you can hit buttons in time with notes scrolling past on your TV. Lips is what people who are too shy for karaoke buy to pretend they’re on American Idol.

DJ Hero just sucks. I feel bad for you if you paid full price. (DJ Hero’s retail price dropped from $120 on its release date to $40 as of this writing. The funny part? They’re making a sequel.)

Rock Band was the first to combine singing, guitar and bass “playing” with a drum controller, allowing you and at least three friends to live out your rock star fantasies from the comfort of your living room.

Of course, that’s at the cost of the advantages (“money for nothing and chicks for free”) and disadvantages (rehab and eventual obscurity) of life on the road.

Which leads us back to me and my former roommate, Nick.

The weekend happened to be Nick’s last in Tucson before he relocated to Los Angeles for graduate studies, so we decided to do what we always did when we killed a day hanging out: consume copious amounts of pizza, soda and beer while playing through Rock Band (Note: I think that’s the most stereotypical modern-male-college-experience sentence I’ve ever written.)

I’ll spare you most of the bragging, but he (on drums) and I (on guitar) have gotten pretty good at this game, particularly for people who claim to have real lives. We figured it would take about six hours, max, and then we’d have time to spare at the bars drinking and losing our nerves before talking to girls. We started playing at 4 p.m. on Saturday.

Excluding the breaks we took to sleep, rest our sore limbs (and his drumstick-blistered hands) and for him to go out to bars (I became near-deliriously sick, something that likely had nothing to do with staring at a television for six hours straight), we played for about 14 total hours over two days, finishing at 10 p.m. Sunday evening.

Without winning.

The Iron Maiden song “Run for the Hills” proved to be our downfall. He was too fatigued to hit the rhythms and I was too tired of trying to think of ways to strategically drag our corpses through the song. We quit.

This is usually where I connect the funny story in the column to some larger idea about society and our culture (“Video games allowing us to make fantasy into reality”), make fun of a few pop-culture figures (“Speaking of warped reality, how ‘bout them Palins?”), and wrap things up nicely with a goofy line (“Come to think of it, I can see Russia from my video game!”)

But in all honesty, I’m tired. My wrists ache, my eyes are strained and I don’t know if I’m going to touch my Xbox for anything outside of Netflix for weeks.

I mostly just wanted to dedicate a bit of space to my friend, wish him luck in his future endeavors and make a few people chuckle in the process. (Cue “Aww” here.)

Good luck, Nick. See you and your keyboard for Rock Band 3.

Now I’m off to go ice my thumb. I hope the popping I hear when I move my wrists is just my imagination.

Horoscope

By April George

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept.22)

Let’s be reasonable, Virgo. Sure, a pet monkey sounds like a good idea now, but when he flings poo at your significant other? Well, then all you’ll have left is the monkey. Except he’ll run away with the circus, so you won’t even have him.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

I feel a certain responsibility to be nice to you, Libra. That said, be careful who you insult this week. Sure, it’ll feel good now, but your pride isn’t worth the 300-pound wrestler pile-driving you into oblivion.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You have a stunning personality, Scorpio. Keep telling yourself that when you get caught in the pouring rain with no umbrella. Ah, who am I kidding? Just get soaked and wallow in the misery of being you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

If you can’t laugh at yourself, Sagittarius, then you’ve obviously never super-glued your fingers into the Spock formation. Trust me on this one, guys. I’m one of you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Broaden your horizons, Capricorn. Sure, sitting in your mom’s basement watching “Star Trek” and eating cheese puffs is fun now, but all it’s going to lead to is heartache. And potentially a quadruple-bypass.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Aquarius, remember to feed that cat you adopted last week. Otherwise, it will come back as a zombie, and then you’ll just feel bad as Mr. Kitty eats your eyes out.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You know you’re named for a fish, right Pisces? So don’t take it personally if someone comments on that strange odor around you. I’d lay off the trout dinners, though. Those are your cousins, after all.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

No matter what, Aries, remember this: Sunglasses are sexy. If you wear them all the time, you look mysterious. I’d suggest taking them off in dark hallways, though. That black eye from running into the door is not quite as sexy.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Remember one thing for me, Taurus: Hair of the dog. Sooner or later we all dance with the devil. Believe me, this week you’re going to be doing a lot of that when the 18-wheeler shows up out of nowhere.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Don’t be ridiculous, Gemini. Those cuties don’t actually like you for your personality. Better hold onto those looks, because that’s all they see in you.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Lighten up, Cancer. Remember, you catch more flies with honey… but if catching flies is your thing, I’d suggest professional help.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You’re named for the majestic lion, Leo. That doesn’t make you one. Actually, you remind me more of a majestic llama. They should change the name of the sign, in fact…hmm. I’ll get back to you on that.

CRACKING WISE: Surviving reality TV

  By David Mendez

If you’ve been watching much TV lately, surely you’ve noticed the trend: Survival shows are big. Ridiculously big.

Look at the shows that air on Discovery Channel: “Dual Survival,” “Worst Case Scenario,” “Man vs. Wild” and (coming soon!) “Beyond Survival.” All of them star large, burly men who could kill me in an instant if they learned I was disparaging them, so I’ll refrain from doing so.

Other popular shows explore how humans react when society breaks down, like “The Colony,” “Survivor” and, of course, “Jersey Shore.” (There is no way you can look me in the eye and say “Jersey Shore” doesn’t represent our society’s failure. When a girl with a failed beehive hairdo who looks like an overcooked turkey becomes a cultural icon, something has gone wrong in our world.)

And damn it, I’m addicted to these shows.

I can’t lie, Pima. I often think about ditching this life of mine and striking out on my own in the desert to live off the land before one day returning to civilization as a grizzled, nature-hardened Eastwood-esque man’s man.

But then I realize that I’m out of shape, practically blind and liable to have my bones picked clean by the only man-eating jackrabbit in the state within a week.

It doesn’t help that I’m too broke to afford basic supplies, too lazy to get decent survival training and couldn’t tell the difference between poison oak and poison ivy if you gave me two guesses.

So I watch these shows, filling my head with impossible-to-replicate survival techniques “Pssh. Can’t be that hard to whittle a canoe with a machete.” I remain confident that I’ll be humanity’s savior when things come crashing down, quietly ignoring the fact that I can’t install a simple doorknob.

Then I watch a show like “Man, Woman, Wild,” which follows a former Special Forces vet (of course) and his British newscaster wife as they’re dropped into some remote area. That’s when I realize I am, without a doubt, screwed.

The first episode I saw had them in the highlands of Mexico, fighting dehydration by eating cacti and drinking their own pee.

She balked, of course, as would most civilians.

Eventually, she suffered heat stroke and the show was forced to call in an emergency crew to make sure she didn’t, y’know, die. Though that doubtless would’ve created compelling television.

My point is that society appears headed for an eventual breakdown but no one seems willing to stave it off. They prefer instead to shout about their discomfort (illegal aliens, mosques, Brett Favre) or plug their noses and accept disgusting solutions that may keep them alive until the next episode (immigration reform, religious tolerance, a “three retirements and you’re out” rule).

These shows provide us with a sense, however delusional, that we just might be able to survive in awfully harsh conditions. And, if we trust the people next to us, no matter how much we disagree with their methods, we’ve got a better shot.

In the meantime, I’m going to hang around and see what they blow up next on “Mythbusters.”

Cracking Wise: Roommates Are Weird

By David Mendez

The thing about becoming roommates with people you’ve known for a long time is finding out really just how weird you each are.

I mean, it’s easy to think that your friends are normal when you only have to see them once a week – if that.

It’s when you have to see them every time you step through your front door, staring slack-jawed at the TV playing X-Box, listening to God-knows-what music they’ve dragged from the depths of iTunes and awkwardly turning up your music to muffle the sounds coming through the walls (“Isn’t he alone in there?”) that you realize “you know, I might actually be the most socially acceptable person in this house.”

It’s not like I’m the one fascinated with throwing fruit (both ripe and rotten) off of the balcony, onto the waiting street below, and refusing to clean it up afterwards. After all, “nature will take care of it.”

(Fun reflex test, by the way: Dodging watermelons hurled at you in the dark of the night as you’re getting home. The fun doubles when you chase down your roommate in an attempt to make him resemble the mess that’s now all over the sidewalk.)

Nor am I the one who was discovered cleaning the house in a headband, knee-high socks, Daisy Dukes and nothing else. Keep in mind, I live with guys. Guys who, apparently, are all too willing to make their own cutoffs when they see that someone else has done it.

Now, I’m not going to say that I’m a beautiful looking man, or that my roommates are the kind of hideous that you typically only find living under bridges in German fairy tales.

But no grown man looks good in cutoffs. I don’t care who you are, you will look manlier in pink tights that you will in cutoffs, aviator sunglasses and a red bandanna.

I’m also CERTAINLY not the roommate who destroyed a laptop with a hammer for 20 minutes in an effort to destroy the private information on it…without damaging the hard drive at all.

No, I’m simply the slack-jawed gamer, listening to weird rap remixes I’ve found on various corners of the Internet and avoiding leaving the room on Cleaning Sundays. Nothing wrong with that, as far as I can see.

And no, I have no idea what those awkward noises are either, though I’ve got five bucks saying someone decided to hide a small dog in the walls. It wouldn’t be the first time one of us had randomly carried a canine into the house.

CRACKING WISE: False bachelorettes and free drinks

By David Mendez

Here’s a sentence I never once considered before last weekend: I’m starting to wish I looked good in a skirt.

Before you ask, no, I don’t have a fetish for angora sweaters like Ed Wood, I don’t plan on performing a one-man comedy show in heels like Eddie Izzard and I don’t plan on becoming head of the FBI like J. Edgar Hoover.

(Tangent: It may be coincidence, but it’s almost eerie when you realize that, off the top of my head, I rattled off the names of three famous transvestites whose names begin with “Ed.” Someone should look into this more.)

No, this bit of “wishful” thinking came about, as you might expect, during a night of drinking with friends.

I was out celebrating a friend’s birthday, attempting to make small talk with a bunch of people I had never met before and likely would never run into again, when my friend told a story about how a supposedly gay man had come up to her, saying that her dress was “fabulous.” He then bought her and her friend drinks.

(“Supposedly” would be the key word here, by the way. It’s kind of hard for a woman to consider a man to be gay when he’s constantly feeling her up while dancing).

Not long after that, we ran into some more people the birthday girl knew — this time, a bachelorette party. Kinda.

Apparently, these young women were actually celebrating a birthday for the “bride-to-be” by going out to bars, pretending to be part of her wedding party.

“We just thought this would be the best way to get free drinks,” one celebrant wearing a penis-hat told me.

In all honesty, it’s not really a shocker that women are able to get drinks so easily. After all, they tend to have a few things that men want more desperately than air. Even hinting that those things could be obtainable will drive most guys just short of killing their best friends.

Perhaps this is just a way of getting back at the male establishment for the years upon years of degradation. After all, women holding the same jobs as male counterparts still make less money, and have that little burden of the glass ceiling to deal with.

But this isn’t about gender politics. This is about equality. This is about free drinks!

And dammit, if I have to wear a dress to get a free whiskey sour, you best believe that I’ll trade my self-esteem and leg hair for not having to pay $7 for a well drink.

Issue 6 Horoscope

By Taylor Bock

Aries (March 21-April 19)
All will be well, Aries. Never lose sight of your hopes and follow your dreams. (Everyone else needs to be really nice to Aries, because the horoscope for Aries actually really sucks this week.) Yeah, you’ll be just fine, Aries.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Don’t just see with your eyes, Taurus. Use your senses to get an idea of what’s going on around you. If your senses are really good, like you can dodge punches and find stuff by scent, you should go out and fight crime.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Take a step back, Gemini. Assess the current situation. You’re late to class, but a buddy just brought a super-large pizza for everyone to share. What should you do? Why, it’s obvious. Classes will always be around, but that pizza won’t.

Cancer (June 22- July 22)
Do you notice really snobbish or spoiled people lately, Cancer? Do they just tick you off to no end? Well that’s a good line of thinking to go down. Go knock some sense into some preppy, rich hipster.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)
Take it slow, Leo. There’s no reason to rush anything. Take everything at a relaxed and easy pace. Unless a truck is about to hit you. Then you should speed the hell out of the way.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)
Is it getting a bit hard to think things through, Virgo? Maybe your heart just nabbed the controls away from your brain. Do what it tells you to do for a few days and see what happens. Don’t listen to your liver, though. Livers are jerks.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
It’s good to be spontaneous, Libra. But you do have to be careful. There are some places where it isn’t good to just barrel in party-style. Like a funeral, for example. Don’t go up and start puppeteering with the corpse.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You got the hots for anyone, Scorpio? Use caution if you’re seeking a mate. He or she may seem good at the time, but it’s incredibly easy for ‘love at first sight’ to become ‘this just ain’t right.’

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)
You have a good heart, Sagittarius. Just try not to lose control and wind up doing something you’ll regret. Like double-dating with Scorpio and his/her date. I’m telling you now, it won’t end well.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)
You mad, Capricorn? Don’t be. It’s easy to fly off the handle at any little thing, but keep a cap on your emotions. If you don’t, you may end up punching a hole in your parent’s kitchen wall because the trash can fell over.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Have you been ignoring your relatives, Aquarius? Give your parents a call and tell them that you love them. If you have no family, go home and tell your pet that you love it. If you don’t have a pet, then you sound lonely. Go buy a hamster.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)
Use your fears and desires to motivate you, Pisces. Sometimes, you just have to let your emotions go in order to achieve your goal. But try not to use anger as motivation or you’ll end up like Capricorn.

Cracking Wise: An American in London

By David Mendez

So I had a bit of a problem a few months back: I had no idea what I was going to do for Spring Break this year.

My usual plan in years past was to go back to Phoenix, lay around at my parents’ house, eat their food and play video games until they “politely” nudge me out the front door. But for once, I decided to actually go out and have a more genuine college Spring Break experience, like real students do.

The thing is, I have no idea what real students do for Spring Break.

I mean, MTV tells me that most students head to Rocky Point, or Lake Havasu, though apparently any place with the potential combination of sunshine, public nudity and copious amounts of alcohol will work.