All Entries in the "Humor" Category

Horoscope

By April George

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept.22)

Let’s be reasonable, Virgo. Sure, a pet monkey sounds like a good idea now, but when he flings poo at your significant other? Well, then all you’ll have left is the monkey. Except he’ll run away with the circus, so you won’t even have him.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

I feel a certain responsibility to be nice to you, Libra. That said, be careful who you insult this week. Sure, it’ll feel good now, but your pride isn’t worth the 300-pound wrestler pile-driving you into oblivion.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You have a stunning personality, Scorpio. Keep telling yourself that when you get caught in the pouring rain with no umbrella. Ah, who am I kidding? Just get soaked and wallow in the misery of being you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

If you can’t laugh at yourself, Sagittarius, then you’ve obviously never super-glued your fingers into the Spock formation. Trust me on this one, guys. I’m one of you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Broaden your horizons, Capricorn. Sure, sitting in your mom’s basement watching “Star Trek” and eating cheese puffs is fun now, but all it’s going to lead to is heartache. And potentially a quadruple-bypass.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Aquarius, remember to feed that cat you adopted last week. Otherwise, it will come back as a zombie, and then you’ll just feel bad as Mr. Kitty eats your eyes out.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You know you’re named for a fish, right Pisces? So don’t take it personally if someone comments on that strange odor around you. I’d lay off the trout dinners, though. Those are your cousins, after all.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

No matter what, Aries, remember this: Sunglasses are sexy. If you wear them all the time, you look mysterious. I’d suggest taking them off in dark hallways, though. That black eye from running into the door is not quite as sexy.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Remember one thing for me, Taurus: Hair of the dog. Sooner or later we all dance with the devil. Believe me, this week you’re going to be doing a lot of that when the 18-wheeler shows up out of nowhere.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Don’t be ridiculous, Gemini. Those cuties don’t actually like you for your personality. Better hold onto those looks, because that’s all they see in you.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Lighten up, Cancer. Remember, you catch more flies with honey… but if catching flies is your thing, I’d suggest professional help.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You’re named for the majestic lion, Leo. That doesn’t make you one. Actually, you remind me more of a majestic llama. They should change the name of the sign, in fact…hmm. I’ll get back to you on that.

CRACKING WISE: Surviving reality TV

  By David Mendez

If you’ve been watching much TV lately, surely you’ve noticed the trend: Survival shows are big. Ridiculously big.

Look at the shows that air on Discovery Channel: “Dual Survival,” “Worst Case Scenario,” “Man vs. Wild” and (coming soon!) “Beyond Survival.” All of them star large, burly men who could kill me in an instant if they learned I was disparaging them, so I’ll refrain from doing so.

Other popular shows explore how humans react when society breaks down, like “The Colony,” “Survivor” and, of course, “Jersey Shore.” (There is no way you can look me in the eye and say “Jersey Shore” doesn’t represent our society’s failure. When a girl with a failed beehive hairdo who looks like an overcooked turkey becomes a cultural icon, something has gone wrong in our world.)

And damn it, I’m addicted to these shows.

I can’t lie, Pima. I often think about ditching this life of mine and striking out on my own in the desert to live off the land before one day returning to civilization as a grizzled, nature-hardened Eastwood-esque man’s man.

But then I realize that I’m out of shape, practically blind and liable to have my bones picked clean by the only man-eating jackrabbit in the state within a week.

It doesn’t help that I’m too broke to afford basic supplies, too lazy to get decent survival training and couldn’t tell the difference between poison oak and poison ivy if you gave me two guesses.

So I watch these shows, filling my head with impossible-to-replicate survival techniques “Pssh. Can’t be that hard to whittle a canoe with a machete.” I remain confident that I’ll be humanity’s savior when things come crashing down, quietly ignoring the fact that I can’t install a simple doorknob.

Then I watch a show like “Man, Woman, Wild,” which follows a former Special Forces vet (of course) and his British newscaster wife as they’re dropped into some remote area. That’s when I realize I am, without a doubt, screwed.

The first episode I saw had them in the highlands of Mexico, fighting dehydration by eating cacti and drinking their own pee.

She balked, of course, as would most civilians.

Eventually, she suffered heat stroke and the show was forced to call in an emergency crew to make sure she didn’t, y’know, die. Though that doubtless would’ve created compelling television.

My point is that society appears headed for an eventual breakdown but no one seems willing to stave it off. They prefer instead to shout about their discomfort (illegal aliens, mosques, Brett Favre) or plug their noses and accept disgusting solutions that may keep them alive until the next episode (immigration reform, religious tolerance, a “three retirements and you’re out” rule).

These shows provide us with a sense, however delusional, that we just might be able to survive in awfully harsh conditions. And, if we trust the people next to us, no matter how much we disagree with their methods, we’ve got a better shot.

In the meantime, I’m going to hang around and see what they blow up next on “Mythbusters.”

Cracking Wise: Roommates Are Weird

By David Mendez

The thing about becoming roommates with people you’ve known for a long time is finding out really just how weird you each are.

I mean, it’s easy to think that your friends are normal when you only have to see them once a week – if that.

It’s when you have to see them every time you step through your front door, staring slack-jawed at the TV playing X-Box, listening to God-knows-what music they’ve dragged from the depths of iTunes and awkwardly turning up your music to muffle the sounds coming through the walls (“Isn’t he alone in there?”) that you realize “you know, I might actually be the most socially acceptable person in this house.”

It’s not like I’m the one fascinated with throwing fruit (both ripe and rotten) off of the balcony, onto the waiting street below, and refusing to clean it up afterwards. After all, “nature will take care of it.”

(Fun reflex test, by the way: Dodging watermelons hurled at you in the dark of the night as you’re getting home. The fun doubles when you chase down your roommate in an attempt to make him resemble the mess that’s now all over the sidewalk.)

Nor am I the one who was discovered cleaning the house in a headband, knee-high socks, Daisy Dukes and nothing else. Keep in mind, I live with guys. Guys who, apparently, are all too willing to make their own cutoffs when they see that someone else has done it.

Now, I’m not going to say that I’m a beautiful looking man, or that my roommates are the kind of hideous that you typically only find living under bridges in German fairy tales.

But no grown man looks good in cutoffs. I don’t care who you are, you will look manlier in pink tights that you will in cutoffs, aviator sunglasses and a red bandanna.

I’m also CERTAINLY not the roommate who destroyed a laptop with a hammer for 20 minutes in an effort to destroy the private information on it…without damaging the hard drive at all.

No, I’m simply the slack-jawed gamer, listening to weird rap remixes I’ve found on various corners of the Internet and avoiding leaving the room on Cleaning Sundays. Nothing wrong with that, as far as I can see.

And no, I have no idea what those awkward noises are either, though I’ve got five bucks saying someone decided to hide a small dog in the walls. It wouldn’t be the first time one of us had randomly carried a canine into the house.

CRACKING WISE: False bachelorettes and free drinks

By David Mendez

Here’s a sentence I never once considered before last weekend: I’m starting to wish I looked good in a skirt.

Before you ask, no, I don’t have a fetish for angora sweaters like Ed Wood, I don’t plan on performing a one-man comedy show in heels like Eddie Izzard and I don’t plan on becoming head of the FBI like J. Edgar Hoover.

(Tangent: It may be coincidence, but it’s almost eerie when you realize that, off the top of my head, I rattled off the names of three famous transvestites whose names begin with “Ed.” Someone should look into this more.)

No, this bit of “wishful” thinking came about, as you might expect, during a night of drinking with friends.

I was out celebrating a friend’s birthday, attempting to make small talk with a bunch of people I had never met before and likely would never run into again, when my friend told a story about how a supposedly gay man had come up to her, saying that her dress was “fabulous.” He then bought her and her friend drinks.

(“Supposedly” would be the key word here, by the way. It’s kind of hard for a woman to consider a man to be gay when he’s constantly feeling her up while dancing).

Not long after that, we ran into some more people the birthday girl knew — this time, a bachelorette party. Kinda.

Apparently, these young women were actually celebrating a birthday for the “bride-to-be” by going out to bars, pretending to be part of her wedding party.

“We just thought this would be the best way to get free drinks,” one celebrant wearing a penis-hat told me.

In all honesty, it’s not really a shocker that women are able to get drinks so easily. After all, they tend to have a few things that men want more desperately than air. Even hinting that those things could be obtainable will drive most guys just short of killing their best friends.

Perhaps this is just a way of getting back at the male establishment for the years upon years of degradation. After all, women holding the same jobs as male counterparts still make less money, and have that little burden of the glass ceiling to deal with.

But this isn’t about gender politics. This is about equality. This is about free drinks!

And dammit, if I have to wear a dress to get a free whiskey sour, you best believe that I’ll trade my self-esteem and leg hair for not having to pay $7 for a well drink.

Issue 6 Horoscope

By Taylor Bock

Aries (March 21-April 19)
All will be well, Aries. Never lose sight of your hopes and follow your dreams. (Everyone else needs to be really nice to Aries, because the horoscope for Aries actually really sucks this week.) Yeah, you’ll be just fine, Aries.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Don’t just see with your eyes, Taurus. Use your senses to get an idea of what’s going on around you. If your senses are really good, like you can dodge punches and find stuff by scent, you should go out and fight crime.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Take a step back, Gemini. Assess the current situation. You’re late to class, but a buddy just brought a super-large pizza for everyone to share. What should you do? Why, it’s obvious. Classes will always be around, but that pizza won’t.

Cancer (June 22- July 22)
Do you notice really snobbish or spoiled people lately, Cancer? Do they just tick you off to no end? Well that’s a good line of thinking to go down. Go knock some sense into some preppy, rich hipster.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)
Take it slow, Leo. There’s no reason to rush anything. Take everything at a relaxed and easy pace. Unless a truck is about to hit you. Then you should speed the hell out of the way.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)
Is it getting a bit hard to think things through, Virgo? Maybe your heart just nabbed the controls away from your brain. Do what it tells you to do for a few days and see what happens. Don’t listen to your liver, though. Livers are jerks.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
It’s good to be spontaneous, Libra. But you do have to be careful. There are some places where it isn’t good to just barrel in party-style. Like a funeral, for example. Don’t go up and start puppeteering with the corpse.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You got the hots for anyone, Scorpio? Use caution if you’re seeking a mate. He or she may seem good at the time, but it’s incredibly easy for ‘love at first sight’ to become ‘this just ain’t right.’

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)
You have a good heart, Sagittarius. Just try not to lose control and wind up doing something you’ll regret. Like double-dating with Scorpio and his/her date. I’m telling you now, it won’t end well.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)
You mad, Capricorn? Don’t be. It’s easy to fly off the handle at any little thing, but keep a cap on your emotions. If you don’t, you may end up punching a hole in your parent’s kitchen wall because the trash can fell over.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Have you been ignoring your relatives, Aquarius? Give your parents a call and tell them that you love them. If you have no family, go home and tell your pet that you love it. If you don’t have a pet, then you sound lonely. Go buy a hamster.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)
Use your fears and desires to motivate you, Pisces. Sometimes, you just have to let your emotions go in order to achieve your goal. But try not to use anger as motivation or you’ll end up like Capricorn.

Cracking Wise: An American in London

By David Mendez

So I had a bit of a problem a few months back: I had no idea what I was going to do for Spring Break this year.

My usual plan in years past was to go back to Phoenix, lay around at my parents’ house, eat their food and play video games until they “politely” nudge me out the front door. But for once, I decided to actually go out and have a more genuine college Spring Break experience, like real students do.

The thing is, I have no idea what real students do for Spring Break.

I mean, MTV tells me that most students head to Rocky Point, or Lake Havasu, though apparently any place with the potential combination of sunshine, public nudity and copious amounts of alcohol will work.

Online Extra: Downtown Campus to go men-only

By David Mendez

Next year, the Pima Community College Downtown Campus is set to become a boys’ club.

According to a classified memo from the PCC Downtown administrative office, plans have been set in motion to establish an all-male campus starting next spring.

First signs of the transition are scheduled to appear within the next few days.

The change in admissions policy for Downtown Campus appears to be in reaction to figures published earlier this year regarding the slipping enrollment rate among males at PCC, particularly for Hispanic men.

The memo obtained by Aztec Press staffers is light on detail, mostly providing an outline for the transition. Still, there were a few specific ideas mentioned, outlined below:

Beginning in Summer 2010, bathrooms will be redesigned and expanded. Women’s restrooms shall be renovated to include urinals, and new signs will be purchased for the doors.

Men’s restrooms shall be left mostly untouched, although a suggestion in the memo mentioned the possibility, pending budget restrictions, of installing televisions along the walls and TVs over the urinals like the ESPN Zone or Buffalo Wild Wings. The sets will be tuned to ESPN.

The central dining area is also designated for renovation. The memo suggests completely redecorating, preferring “something like a steakhouse, or a fine cigar shop,” with faux wood paneling and flat-screen televisions with satellite TV.

The cafe itself appears to be headed for redesign with a “sports-bar” feel, possibly going so far as to serve alcohol.

In the margins, “Buffalo Wild Wings?” appears to be written in pencil, suggesting that the school is interested in at least following the Buffalo Wild Wings model, if not attempting to bring in a franchise outright.

The report notes that Downtown Campus was selected because PCC’s construction and automotive programs are offered there.

Notes in the margins support the idea, reading “girls shouldn’t be holden [sic] tools anyway. They’ll hurt themselves.”

To date, the Aztec Press has been unable to obtain explicit confirmation on the memo or the ideas outlined within.

Check back on AztecPressOnline.com for more details in coming weeks.

Online Extra: Pima basketball teams sweep UA basketball teams

By James Kelley
Photo by Daniel Gaona

The Pima Community College basketball teams capped their landmark season on March 31, as the Aztecs extended the University of Arizona basketball teams’ misery.

The Pima men’s team beat the UA men and the PCC women beat the Arizona ladies in a charity game held to benefit victims of the Arizona state budget cuts. A $10 donation can be made by texting the word “ARIZONA” to 90999.

The doubleheader, even though the games started at 3 p.m. and 5 p.m. to accommodate the UA’s “experienced” fans, set a state record for a attendance for a charity game with 1,533.

The Aztec men built an early lead and cruised to a 98-87 win over the Wildcats. The loss is especially disappointing for the UA as they pushed for the game after not getting invited to the Not Invited Tournament or NIT.

“Hey, it could be worse, we could have lost to Jacksonville, at home, as a No. 1 seed,” said UA men’s head coach Sean Miller, referencing Arizona State’s embarrassing NIT loss. “I mean seriously, who even knew they had a team or a University?”

Aztec sophomore forward Travares Peterson scored a game-high 23 points, while Pima sophomore guards Warren Baker and Jeremy Harden scored 20 and 19 points, respectively.

“It’s a great win for Pima and it showed Tucson basketball didn’t go anywhere this year,” Peterson said.

Wildcat freshman forward Derrick Williams scored 20 to go with 12 rebounds, but was only 4-16 from the free throw stripe. Senior guard Nic Wise scored 17 points and dished 11 assists.

Arizona pulled to within six points with 5:34 to go, but then UA junior forward Jamelle Horne mistakenly dunked on the wrong basket, the Pacific-10 referees erroneously gave Pima the ball and then Miller received a technical foul. That series of plays ended the game quicker than the Kansas City Royals are out of contention.

Horne was not made available for comment after the game, instead the UA sent out freshman walk on Max Wiepking.

“Horney has the worst luck,” Wiepking said. “First he had that foul last year against UAB, repeated it at USC, then he picked Kansas to go all the way and now this.”

The women’s game lacked excitement as Pima cruised to a 56-41 win, even without injured star sophomore Abyee Maracigan. In fact, the Aztecs played much of the game with only four players to make the game more even.

PCC sophomore center Tia Morrison had a game-high 31 points and 19 rebounds. Pima sophomore and freshman guards Nene Villalobos and Patricia Ramos scored 12 points each.

“It was a good win for us,” Morrison said. “It was awesome to be out there with the girls one last time before the home crowd and you always want to win, whether it is South Central Arizona or Arizona Arizona.”

UA freshman guard Davellyn Whyte led the Wildcats in scoring with 23 points and UA junior forward Ify Ibekwe added 20.

“It was a great win for Pima, it shows we are the Real Deal,” said Pima women’s head coach Todd Holthaus. “The girls went out there and gave it their all and we came out on top.”

Online Extra: Rapper Jay-Z set to host concert in Pima gym

By Daniel Gaona
Photo by Matthew Henry

Last April, Jay-Z performed in Tucson at the Arizona Stadium. Almost exactly a year later, he is returning to Southern Arizona.

“I saw the life out there last year and I just had to come back,” Shawn Corey Carter said in a phone interview with the Aztec Press. “Once I see a fan base like that, I know I have to go back.”

This time, he will host his concert at the Aztec Gymnasium on the Pima Community College West Campus.

The Brooklyn-born star will make his Tucson return on April 31 at 7:30 p.m. Due to the size of the building, tickets are expected to go quickly.

PCC officials said the facility is limited to about 1,000 people, which will be strictly enforced because of fire codes.

Carter said he is looking forward to the more intimate set-up.

“I like performing in the smaller venues because it gives me a chance to get to know the crowd,” the rapper said. “It is amazing performing at places like Madison Square Garden in front of thousands of diehard fans but it is also great to mix things up a little.”

Jay-Z’s most recent release was Blueprint 3 in September 2009. It was the No. 1 album in its first two weeks after being released.

But Jay said those won’t be the only tracks he puts on for Pima fans.

“I want to go from beginning to end,” he said. “Nothing gets left behind. But of course I can’t play every song I’ve ever made.”

He also said it is likely he would bring some special guests on stage with him.

“Don’t be surprised if I’m not the only rapper up there during the concert,” he added.

Some comments hinted that he expects Young Jeezy and Kanye West to appear with him and possibly even female artists Rihanna and Alicia Keys. He also joked there will be no “T-Paining” referring to his song “Death of Auto-Tune.”

Ticket prices have not yet been set or released. The date for tickets to go on sale is still undetermined as well.

Pima’s concert director, Joe Kerr, said “a lot” of tickets will be given out in contests.

“This is the first time an event like this will be held here and we want to make everything of it,” Kerr said. “If people want tickets, then they better get in line.”

More updates will be posted on AztecPressOnline.com as they become available.

Online Extra: Study shows breasts have biological purpose

By Steve Choice

It turns out that men may need the birds and the bees explained to them with a little more clarity.

The results of a major study released last week have confirmed a long-held suspicion in the field of reproductive health.

The majority of American males have little or no idea that women’s breasts serve a biological function.

The Florida study was conducted at the University of Miami, Howard H. McCollum School of Health Sciences, and involved more than 1,000 subjects. National telephone interviews supplemented the data gathered live, adding another 1,500 men to the pool of respondents.

The results were striking, and just slightly depressing.

A full 63 percent of participants queried reported they did not believe women’s breasts served any function besides an aesthetic one.

Another 21 percent characterized themselves in the study as “kind of aware,” meaning they had an incompletely formed notion of the part breasts play in the feeding of newborns.

The primary biological purpose for women’s mammary glands is to produce milk for infants, and to provide babies a point of access for their source of sustenance in the early months of life.

“What this research tells me is that males in this country are in dire need of better education in the areas of biology and sexual reproduction,” said Geoffrey Manning, professor emeritus at the University of Miami School of Medicine, who spearheaded the project.

“It also lends more insight into why I was so much better than my peers in my school days,” the dignified-looking academic added. “No wonder they laugh at us in Europe.”

The medical team carrying out the study partnered with a group of sociologists, whose main role was to interpret the data.

“In one sense, this does come as somewhat of a surprise,” said Maritza Sanchez, head of Miami’s sociology department.

“I have always known that men were basically transfixed by breasts, but I didn’t realize the severity or breadth of the problem,” the native of Barranquilla, Colombia, added.

“It’s like these guys have been walking around in some blissful breast-induced fog all of their lives, refusing to try and learn the basics about women. We’re still trying to fully understand what these results are telling us.”

Sanchez, herself a very shapely woman, has been combating male ignorance all her life.

“Oh, yes,” she sighed. “I thought it would be different when I came to this country during my university days. But men are the same everywhere.”

Sanchez said she learned that sad truth while dating American men.

“I could talk all night long about my academic achievements or my views on life,” she said. “But then I saw their eyes glaze over. It’s like there’s just one word in their minds.”

Manning hopes the groundbreaking study will be the first step in bringing men to a better understanding of the female secondary sexual characteristic.

“I’d like to see breasts demystified for the average male,” Manning said. “And I just pray to God that my daughters never marry any of these people.”

Online Extra: Vice presidential candidate to be reality TV star

By Debbie Hadley

Sarah Palin is close to finalizing a deal to be paid $1 million an episode for a new reality miniseries to be aired by Discovery Communications, sources say.

The show will focus on the former vice presidential candidate taking viewers on a scenic tour of Alaskan trout streams and showing bear traps that she personally set up in multiple forested locations.

The aim is for the show to be a contender against Discovery’s like-minded miniseries, “Life” and “Planet Earth.”

Palin is reportedly also willing to give viewers a look into her home life.

Cameras will follow her around her hometown, Wasilla, while she readjusts her Bumpit and makes speeches in front of staged Tea Party members with penned notes on the palm of her hand.

It’s unknown how the show will be received by the general media, but when Vice President Joe Biden got wind of the news, he was overheard saying, “Big f-ing deal.”

Online Extra: Man-Ram: ‘I wanted to be a girl!’

By Eric Townsend

LOS ANGELES- Baseball star Manny Ramirez revealed today that he wants a sex change.

The multi-million dollar hitting machine sat out for more than 50 games last year due to his suspension after failing Major League Baseball’s strict drug testing.

The 12-time All-Star was caught taking a women’s fertility drug that was prescribed to him by his personal physician.

Original reports had insisted that Ramirez was coming off his last steroid cycle, and was using the drugs to essentially cover up his enhanced testosterone levels.

Ramirez has persistently claimed that the reports are false.

“I was never taking steroids,” Ramirez said. “That’s why I was confused I was being suspended from the league.”

Ramirez, nicknamed “Man-Ram,” met with his personal physician in 2008.

“Manny came to me with a sense of urgency” the physician said. “He genuinely expressed his growing disinterest in baseball, and urged me to make him a woman. I warned him about the severity of a gender-altering operation, and I insisted there was a much safer alternative.”

After months of speculation, Ramirez finally revealed the truth.

“I was afraid to let everyone know at first, I didn’t know how people would react,” Ramirez said. “I knowingly took those drugs, because I wanted to be a girl!”

As Ramirez’s contract with the Dodgers is set to expire after this season, it is likely the future hall of famer and possible first female major leaguer will not re-sign in an attempt to pursue his current aspirations.

Issue 5 horoscopes

By Taylor Bock

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’re a romantic through and through, Taurus. Your love is so deep that you’re guaranteed happiness. Oh wait, that’s from last year. Your current horoscope says you’re a loser and you’ll die alone.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Pay attention to your elders, Gemini. It pays to listen to what they have to say. That way you get a chance to be in their will and get all their stuff when they die. Don’t be afraid to help along that last part.

Cancer (June 22- July 22)
Things suck, Cancer. Not everything will go your way, and you can’t get too upset about it. Chances are, nothing will ever go your way. Get used to your new home: Mediocrity-ville.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)
You’re able to brighten anyone’s day, Leo. But considering I’m lacing everyone’s horoscopes with venom this issue, I have to insult you somehow. I know: your feet smell and you need a haircut.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)
You’ve got some interesting ideas, Virgo. It’s too bad they all suck. What? I’ll bet the creators of the Hindenburg would have liked to know the blimp would crash and burn.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Next time you start daydreaming, don’t come out of it, Libra. Just stay there. The longer you stay in la-la-land, the longer you can escape your depressing little blip of an existence.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Scorpio, go hang out with real people. No, not your raiding party in World of Warcraft. I mean actual living, breathing people. They’re human beings. People. Oh forget it, I give up.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)
I’m being really mean to everyone else, but you know what? You’re cool, Sagittarius. You’re going to have a lovely next few weeks, until the next paper comes out. Then I’ll rip you a new one so big you could park a semi-truck in it.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)
Be cautious, Capricorn. You never know who’s watching. Someone could be watching you right now. I could be watching you… Nah, I’m just messing with you. God, you’re gullible.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Don’t lose your temper, Aquarius. Nothing good ever happens when you succumb to rage. Although it is pretty damn funny to watch someone explode like that. Actually, you should go berserk. I’ll get some popcorn and take a seat.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)
Ooooh, you’re in trouble, Pisces. The authorities know what you did and they’re coming right now to take you away. You’ll share a cell with Aquarius and, believe me, he will not be a pleasant cellmate.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
If you’re curious, Aries, I’ve had a bad head cold and I’m cranky. That’s why I’m being so vicious toward the other signs. But I’m sparing you and Sagittarius. I decided that you’re both cool this week, for no particular reason.

Online Extra: The Word: “what was your most awkward moment?” East Campus

By Austin Driscoll

Click the “Full Screen” symbol for full screen view.
Click “720p” to view in HD.

Issue 4 Horoscope

By Taylor Bock

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Don’t dwell too much on the future, Taurus. Try to live your life in the here and now. Anxiety and stress shorten your lifespan. All the more reason not to think about it if you’re the really nervous type.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Keep your mouth shut, Gemini. That comment you made about the guy with the huge mole might come back to haunt you. If he confronts you, how can you take him seriously if you’re staring at the giant mole?

Cancer (June 22- July 22)
Make yourself look good, Cancer. No one wants to be friends with a big ugly smelly guy. Unless it’s another big ugly smelly guy. Then you can start a club called “The Big Ugly Smelly Guy Club.” I nominate you for president.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)
Don’t be taken in by Internet scams, Leo. I’ve won the Irish lottery seven times, gotten four urgent messages from the president of Africa and three e-mails from long-lost cousins who need money for their duck farm. Yes, that last one was real.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)
You’re just going to have to get up and do something, Virgo. Not all things come to those who wait. Some things come to those who rise up and kick ass.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You lack discipline, Libra. You need to be more strict, more on-time and more diligent. I’m going to show you how…eventually. Maybe tomorrow. Hey, can you get me a soda?

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Sorry, Scorpio. I know I told Virgo to get up and be awesome but you’ll have to sit around and wait. Maybe you and Libra can hang out for the day. And Libra, I’m still waiting for my soda.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)
You aren’t as weak as you look, Sagittarius. Somewhere inside is a fierce and able warrior ready to tackle great challenges. Your first challenge: tell Libra to get here with that soda. Seriously, he’s taking forever.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)
I have nothing to tell you, Capricorn. Just relax and stay cool. As for YOU, Libra, I’m really tired of waiting for my soda. If you aren’t going to bring it to me, don’t bother coming back.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Stop worrying, Aquarius. Everything is going to be fine. Oh and I’m sorry Libra, I shouldn’t have been so harsh. I don’t really need that soda. I’m sorry I got mad. Hugs?

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)
Take it slow today, Pisces. No need to rush anywhere. Lay back and relax. But before you do, would you mind getting me a soda? I mean, things are cool with Libra now, but I’m still thirsty.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
OK Aries, you’re my last hope. I really want that soda, but Libra and Pisces won’t get me one. I’m counting on you, man. What? What do you mean “no?” Fine, screw all you guys. I’ll get up and get it myself. Sheesh.