All Entries in the "Arts/Entertainment" Category

Best Bets

LIVE MUSIC

April 17:

St. Vincent with tUnE-yArDs at Rialto Theatre, 311 E. Congress St. Doors open 7 p.m., show starts at 8 p.m. $19 in advance/$22 day of show, all ages. Details: rialtotheatre.com

OK, kids. Grab your v-necks and cut-off shorts and make your way to the Rialto Theatre on Tuesday, April 17, for St. Vincent with tUnE-yArDs.

If you spend half as much time as I do paddling through the latest indie “hits” on YouTube, you’ve probably come across these acts.

Annie Erin Clark is an American singer-songwriter who previously played with the Polyphonic Spree and Sufjan Stevens before kickstarting St. Vincent.

Honestly, Clark has a beautiful voice but nothing far from what you hear from Beach House’s Victoria Legrand or even the indie-chic collective Warpaint.

Don’t get it twisted – the music is still a refreshingly pop-infused, dance party, hell of a time.

Opening for Clark is the only interesting thing to come out of New England lately – the tUnE-yArDs.

Prepare for live drum track loops and an eloquent blend of guitar, xylophone and upbeat vocals.

Annie Erin Clark of St. Vincent

ALBUM
Mars Volta – “Noctourniquet”
Released: March 27

Mars Volta recently announced its return to Indio, Calif., only to grace Coachella’s stage as their previous act, “At The Drive-In.” Volta has dropped its sixth studio album, “Noctourniquet,” since deeming ATDI a musical difference amongst members.

Omar Rodriguez-Lopez (guitar, production) and Cedric Bixler-Zavala (vocals, lyrics) are for the most part, the creative force behind the sound. Most would label Volta as simply progressive, psychedelic or experimental rock.

“Noctourniquet” is an experiment of the experiment, if that makes any sense. For as long as I have been a fan, Mars Volta has stitched together 12-minute acid-based montages, usually riddled half the time with incomprehensible instrumentals.

This album is far from the usual fast-paced, youthfully weird stuff.

If you’re a newbie looking for copycats of “De-loused in the Comatorium” or “Bedlam in Goliath,” stay far from “Noctourniquet.” It’s a much more evolved, toned-down sound. That is, compared to when Thomas Pridgen was drumming.

Overall, I believe it to be an average album – not worth spending $15 on. Wait for someone to sell it back at ZIA, or burn mine.

-Compiled By Kyle R. Wasson

BOOKS IN THE THEATER
Over the years, plenty of storybooks have inspired cinematic works. Some great, some cheesy, some that are worth going back and reading (or rereading) the book before catching it in the theater. So get your library cards ready and check out these titles!

The Lorax:
(Out: now)
This childhood classic written by Dr. Seuss illustrated the effects of deforestation in a colorful and kid-friendly way, 41 years ago. Readers got to watch the struggle between the mustachioed, earth-conscious Lorax and the faceless, money-driven Once-ler. As the Lorax tries to convince the Once-ler to stop tearing down truffula trees to sell his thneeds (a fluffy tree by-product of Seuss’ imagination), the air gets smoggy, water gets polluted and nature overall suffers. Now the story’s back and on the big screen and hopefully it’s not as depressing as the last sentence made it sound.

The Hunger Games:
(Out: now)
“The Hunger Games,” written by Suzanne Collins, is about a post-apocalyptic world that holds annual fights-to-the-death between children and young adults from neighboring districts. Twenty-four 12-18-year olds enter a forest where they use their wits and whatever supplies they can find to survive the three-day battle that ensues. Suspenseful, compelling and visually pleasing, the film is worth checking out.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter:
(Out: June 22)
If the title isn’t enough to draw you in, I’m not sure what will get your attention. Originally written by Seth Grahame-Smith, the story chronicles the life of an early Abraham Lincoln. Prior to his presidency, Lincoln was kicking undead ass and taking names more than a century before Buffy came into the picture. At the very least, the storyline has novelty value and puts an original spin on the uninspired vampire genre that we’ve seen so much of lately.

-Compiled by Miki Jennings

TOP 10: Upcoming concerts

BY ROBERTO AVENDAÑO

My friends living outside the United States always tell me I’m lucky to live in Tucson because all the good artists come to town… or near town.

This Top 10 list is about upcoming shows. They’re mainly in Phoenix because most big artists go to the big venues, which is sad.

Well, at least it’s only a two-hour-drive to see that show you have been excited for. Here’s the list:

1. Van Halen, July 16 – US Airways Center, Phoenix.
After the few gigs played around 2007, Van Halen is back on tour with its legendary first vocalist David Lee Roth. The band introduced its new album, “A Different Kind of Truth,” this year and has received good feedback from both critics and fans. A must-see for Van Halen fans.

2. Roger Waters, May 15 – US Airways Center, Phoenix.
The ex-Pink Floyd genius [or some descriptive word] comes to Phoenix with his tour The Wall Live, which started in 2010. Most of the times in this tour, Waters performs Pink Floyd’s classic album “The Wall” in its entirety. After being in South America, the artist returns to the United States to provide shows all over the States for a second leg.

3. Noel Gallagher, April 18 – Orpheum Theater, Phoenix.
The vocalist/guitarist of Oasis is coming to Arizona to delight his fans with hits like “Little by Little” and “Wonder Wall.” Certainly a no-miss for Oasis and rock fans anywhere in Arizona.

4. Eddie Vedder, April 13 – Comerica Teathre, Phoenix.
Pearl Jam’s singer will also play music in this unbelievable chain of concerts that will be hosted mainly in Phoenix.

5. Iron Maiden, Aug. 6 – Ashley Furniture Homestore Pavilion, Phoenix.
Here’s one for the metal heads, England’s one and only Iron Maiden. It seems that band members never run out of fuel, having tours almost every year without losing any bits of excellence and perfection in their performance.

6. Neil Diamond, Aug. 29 – US Airways Center, Phoenix.
There are artists that who are close to find themselves in a farewell tour. I had the privilege to see Sir Paul McCartney live, and I imagine the regret I would have had if I didn’t go. For artists as big as Sir Paul or Neil Diamond, there is no excuse to miss if they’re close. Who knows if it’s your last chance?

7. The Tour: Kiss and Mötley Crüe, Aug. 10 – Ashley Furniture Homestore Pavilion, Phoenix.
It doesn’t matter if you are fan of only one… they will be playing together! Kiss and Mötley Crüe will deliver that dose of heavy rock your veins need, and all the pyros you can get for a new year’s show… believe me.

8. Bon Iver, April 23 – Tucson Arena, Tucson.
Finally someone is playing in good ole’ Tucson. Bon Iver will remind us that our city is still on the map by playing at the Tucson Arena. If you are a big fan of Iver, lucky you… you saved two hours worth of gas.

9. Smokey Robinson, May 27 – Talking Stick Resort, Scottsdale.
All the soul of Smokey Robinson, just north of Phoenix. Be sure not to miss him. I have a friend who went to one of his shows and told me he was outstanding live. He knows what he’s saying.

10. Madonna, Oct. 16 – US Airways Center, Phoenix.
The queen of pop will be playing to promote her brand-new-album “MDNA.” After an eye-delightful-show at this year’s Super Bowl Halftime Show, expect to see more of that huge preparation and quality but near your town.

Find ticket prices, times and other information at ticketmaster.com.

FOODIE FINDS – ’Smart Choices’ offers lower-calorie options

By MIKI JENNINGS

Many consumers may not be aware, but fast food places and other restaurants frequently offer meals with more than 700 calories. Doesn’t sound like a lot? The recommended daily intake of calories is about 2,000 for women and 2,500 for men. That means a 700-calorie meal is right around a third of what you’re supposed to eat in a day.
Burgers such as the Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese at McDonald’s or the Baconator at Wendy’s weigh in at 740 and 830 calories, respectively. Add fries (or even a salad!) and a drink, and you’re looking at approximately 1,300 calories.

That might not be a huge deal if you have fast food one time and eat light for the rest of the day, but not everyone takes that route. Some people go to fast food restaurants multiple times a day.

On top of that, restaurant employees are trained to upsell (“Would you like large fries for 35 cents more?”), increasing your spending as well as caloric intake. In February, the Healthy Pima organization launched its “Smart Choices for Healthy Dining” program to encourage healthier eating practices at local restaurants.

Local eateries can participate in the program by meeting certain criteria that restrict high-calorie, fat and sodium counts, making it easier to get reasonably portioned food onto people’s plates.

Many Tucson restaurants participate in the Smart Choices program, including Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tea, El Charro Café, Café a la C’Art, Downtown Kitchen + Cocktails, Frankie’s South Philly Cheesesteaks and Hoagies, Rocco’s Little Chicago Pizzeria and Sparkroot. For more information, visit healthypima.org.

Photo by Miki Jennings

Horoscope

By CELESTE ORENDAIN

Aries (March 21-April 19)
No matter how bad your day is going, someone will always bring a smile to your face.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Every day is an opportunity. Don’t think twice; take it. Try new things and be open to adventures! Take the risk. There is nothing you can lose except your money.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Explaining a “had to be there” moment is like explaining why you have to take a shower every morning. Be who ever you want but remember that being original is what truly matters.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Don’t let anything get in your way; your dreams can come true. There is always sunshine after a dark day.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Sooner or later you’ll find out that you waste too much time believing in advertising. Don’t you know that it’s all about controlling what you really want?

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)
Even best friends have disagreements. You can act like stuff doesn’t faze you or that you don’t care, but in the end, you’ll find a cure to your pain.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
If you never try, you’ll never know what you can do. Keep jumping — you never know when it might be your lucky day. Maybe you’ll get the better apple from the tree.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Fight for what you want, because big things happen after war. Wipe your tears and show your commercial smile. Don’t believe everything your friends say; they might be wrong. You are the only one who has the power to control your emotions.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Special moments can end in a night. You know what you want, but you just have to wait for the right moment. Remember to think before talking.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Don’t waste your time making excuses. Life is not a game — try to understand that everybody is different and we all view things from a different perspective.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Be close to friends who know how to read; it might help increase your knowledge. And who knows, you could find your study partner.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)
Expect the unexpected from love; you could have a surprise. It could be good or bad — you decide.

‘Vagina Monologues’ returning to PCC

By MIKI JENNINGS

Eve Ensler’s play, “The Vagina Monologues,” will return to Pima Community College’s West Campus for the second year in a row. The performance will be Thursday, March 29, at 7 p.m. in the Center for the Arts Proscenium Theater.

Cynthia Ramirez, student government treasurer, organized the show along with Student Life intern Edith Granillo and Gabe Aaragon, a member of the Gay Straight Alliance.

Ramirez said the topic can be difficult to discuss. “A lot of people are not comfortable talking to other people about vaginas.” Students and advisers participating in the production don’t seem too uncomfortable.

The group has grown slightly this year, with three more participants. The play and its corresponding V-Day event work to fight violence against women and raise money for the cause. It also helps make the word “vagina” easier to say and the topic easier to approach.

“A lot of people forget that it’s a part of you,” Ramirez said.

The play covers controversial subjects, freely discussing sex, menstruation, rape and self-awareness.

“We are doing it for a good cause,” said Evelyn Fuller-McBride, student government fundraising chair.

“I don’t see why people would oppose it.”

Fuller-McBride discovered the play this year and is excited to be part of the production. Her job includes serving as the play’s club coordinator, organizing club tables that will sell items at the event.

Admission is free, though donations will be accepted. All donations will go to a charity that supports women. The PCC clubs selling items will also donate 50 percent of their proceeds to the charity.

For more information, call the West Campus student government office at 206-6762.

FOODIE FINDS: Genetically modified organisms

By MIKI JENNINGS

Genetically modified food remains a major topic of discussion in the United States.

Supporters claim that genetically altered foods are safe. They also say the process of genetically altering DNA structures leads to improved taste and quality, increased growth speed and better resistance to weather and disease.

Opponents argue that genetically modifying organisms is potentially unsafe due to limited testing of possible long-term effects. Genetically modified food can also potentially expose people to new allergens and toxins.

Food purists and organic enthusiasts rally against corporations like Monsanto that back the practice, and circulate online petitions.

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has yet to require labeling of genetically modified organisms, leading websites such as justlabelit.org to help consumers know what foods have GMOs.

Want to avoid them? Buy local, organic produce, meat and eggs (think farmers’ markets and the Food Conspiracy Co-Op on Fourth Avenue) and check for non-GMO labels.

Numerous foods contain GMOs

Common products that may contain genetically modified organisms:

• Corn and soybeans
• Yoplait yogurt
• Enfamil baby formula
• Bananas
• Lean Cuisine
• ConAgra products (Chef Boyardee, Peter Pan peanut butter)
• Bisquick
• Boca Burgers
• Cocoa beans
• Crisco
• Oreos and Teddy Grahams

Sources: globalhealingcenter.com and truefoodnow.org

Miki Jennings, Aztec Press

BEST BETS Growlers perform March 30

LIVE MUSIC

March 30:

The Growlers with TRMRS and Golden Boots at Plush, 340 E. Sixth St. Doors open at 9 p.m. $8 at door. 21+. Details: plushtucson.com.

The Growlers are a gnarly surf-rock collective that formed in 2006 in Long Beach, Calif. To classify them simply as ‘60s rock or psychedelic is blasphemy.

Front man Brooks Nielsen adds a darker, deeper, western twang to his lyrics, while the band weaves a steady flow of percussion with dreamy guitar riffs and effects to boot.

Combine the easygoing atmosphere Plush provides with the mind-numbing sound and upbeat, grainy performance andyou’ll have a night worth the $8.

Joining the Growlers are TRMRSvfrom Costa Mesa, Calif., plus Golden Boots. If you arrive at 5:30 for happy hour, Kaia Chesney will be giving a free performance.

If you want to give The Growlers a listen before the show, visit YouTube and check out “Wandering Eyes” or “Acid Rain,” or any of their music. It’s all refreshingly different and weird.

The Growlers will perform at Plush on March 30. (c) The Growlers

March 30:

Polyphonic Spree at Rialto Theatre, 311 E. Congress St. Doors open at 7 p.m., $19 in advance/$22 day of show. 21+. Details: rialtotheatre.com.

If I’m forced to choose between The Growlers and Polyphonic Spree on March 30, so are you.

Since it’s not possible to be in two places at once, here’s my pitch for Polyphonic Spree. Take “Glee,” a splash of LSD, a pinch of Arcade Fire and shake it all up — the acid-infused choir hybrid you’re left with is the Spree.

The group is composed of more than 20 members with instruments including cello, violin, flute, trumpet, organ and piccolo.

Lead singer Tim DeLaughter’s original choir rock project, Tripping Daisy, fell apart due to the unfortunate overdose of good friend and guitarist Wes Berggren. Soon after, Delaughter created Polyphonic Spree in memory of Berggren as a way to move forward.

That’s just what the group’s message is: positivity. Whether it be their upbeat interpretation of Nirvana’s classic “Lithium” or any joyous ballad from the TV show “Scrubs,” Polyphonic Spree is loads of dance-y, harmless fun. Experiment with care, kids.

Compiled by Kyle Wasson

SELF IMPROVEMENT

For many students, Spring Break is typically filled with indulgent dining and lots of time in bed watching Netflix. The most productive thing I did was go to the Festival of Books and find a few new things to read, again, whilst in bed.

Here’s a list of places to best counteract those cases of the lazies that hit many of us this time of year.

Tucson Yoga

150 S. Fourth Ave.

The prices are great for a college student: $6 single class, $50 for 10 classes or $45 for a month-long membership.

Tucson Yoga offers a mix of classes for various experience levels — gentle and beginner classes for newbies and vinyasa for the more advanced. For a more relaxing feel, try the meditative yoga classes offered on Sundays.

Bring your own yoga mat if you have one. First-time visitors can borrow a mat for free but subsequent visits require a $1 rental fee.

For classes and times, visit tucsonyoga.com or call 988-1832.

Farmers’ Markets

A week off from school can encourage a lot of bad food habits like excess pizza and potato chips, and too few veggies.

What better way to flush all the fatty food and processed sugar out of your body than to replace it with fresh, healthy alternatives? Farmers’ markets have been popping up all around Tucson, offering homegrown produce, whole grains, gluten-free baked goods and other local foods.

A nice, central market is the one at Maynard’s on Saturdays, where you can pick up a newspaper and a coffee along with breakfast. The vendors are always friendly and eager to tell potential customers about their products.

For more information and locations, visit farmersmarkettucson.com.

Tucson Community Acupuncture

2900 E. Broadway Blvd., Suite 170

Sometimes Spring Break isn’t enough to let your worries go. There are still stresses at home and work, and some students still face midterms.

For those without needle phobias, I recommend trying an acupuncture treatment.

It’s calming and the needles are nearly painless  — one tiny poke and then the pain is gone. Acupuncture can help treat a variety of ailments, including arthritis, anxiety, sinusitis, insomnia and stomach problems.

Tucson Community Acupuncture offers sliding scale fees and periodic specials. During March, return patients who bring a first-timer can receive two treatments for the price of one.

For more information, visit tucsoncommunityacupuncture.org or call 881-1887.

-Compiled by Miki Jennings

APRIL FOOLS’ DAY Classic hoaxes stand test of time

Ah, April Fools’, that time of hoaxes and hokum.

I wanted to do a properly false April Fools’ article, involving either cryptids fighting aliens or a surreal fake John Hodgman interview.

Unfortunately, editors nixed those plans because they feared readers wouldn’t recognize blatant fictions. I’m still rather bitter about that.

But, enough of my griping. Here are brief profiles of three famous hoaxes, mostly monstrous in nature because that is my area of expertise. Enjoy.

Jackalope

This antlered bunny draws from the same pool of myths as Paul Bunyan, and is a fixture of truck-stop taxidermy.
It was fabled in cowboy days to be able to throw its voice to fool pursuers, and its milk was rumored to be a profound aphrodisiac.

The best way to catch it, or so the legends said, was to leave out a bottle of whiskey to get it blind-stinking drunk so it would slow down.

Jackalopes have a European cousin known as a Wolpertinger, which has wings, fangs and a weakness for breasts.
But did you know that jackalopes may have been inspired by rabbits with an actual disease, the Shope papilloma virus? It causes fleshy, horn-like tumors to sprout on the heads of the afflicted.

See? Sometimes truth is more viscerally horrifying than fiction!

To learn more about jackalopes, visit museumofhoaxes.com/tall-tales/jackalope.html.

Cardiff Giant

The Cardiff Giant was created in 1869 by an atheist named George Hull, after he argued with a Methodist minister about how literally to interpret a Bible passage that says giants once walked the earth.

Hull and a partner carved a 10-foot figure from gypsum. They used various acids and chemicals to create the impression of weathered skin, and poked holes with a needle to simulate pores.

After they buried the statue in Cardiff, N.Y., Hull’s cousin “found” it. Hull then exhibited the giant at 50 cents a peek.

Eventually, a businessman named David Hannum bought the statue, and put the Cardiff Giant on display in Syracuse. It attracted so much attention that P.T. Barnum himself offered to buy it.

When Hannum refused, Barnum covertly had a copy made. Barnum started exhibiting it as the “real” Cardiff Giant, calling Hannum’s a fake.

This is where the phrase “There’s a sucker born every minute” originated, though technically Hannum was the one who said it about those going to see Barnum’s giant.

For further details about the Cardiff Giant, visit museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/archive/permalink/the_cardiff_giant.

Great Moon Hoax

This infamous August 1835 hoax published in the New York Sun detailed the existence of life on the moon.

Richard Locke wrote a series of six articles, mainly to make money from pamphlet sales.

Among “findings” listed: man-bats called vespertilio-homo, moon bison, tail-less man-beavers, spherical bouncing objects and a temple made from gold and sapphires.

The articles came on the heels of lunar speculation by real scientists, including one who famously suggested there were 4.2 billion beings living on the moon.

Ironically, Edgar Allen Poe wrote a parody intended as a hoax just two months earlier. “The Unparalleled Adventure of One Hans Pfaall” is now recognized as one of the first science fiction stories, but at the time it was upstaged by the Great Moon Hoax.

Poe also created a Great Balloon Hoax in 1844, which was published in the Sun.

For more details, type in a search for “great moon hoax” at museumofhoaxes.com.

(c) Google Images

Briefs

Bernal Gallery to display student artwork

Pima Community College’s Louis Carlos Bernal Gallery will present the artwork of PCC students in the Annual Juried Student Art Exhibition.

The free exhibition will run April 2-May 4 at the gallery, located in the West Campus Center for the Arts.

The gallery will also host an awards ceremony and reception to honor the exhibition’s most outstanding artists. The reception will be held Wednesday, April 11, from noon-3 p.m., with the awards ceremony at 1 p.m. the same day.

Jurors for this year’s exhibition are University of Arizona art professor Ellen McMahon, Etherton Gallery director Hannah Glasston and Ben Johnson, director and curator of Tohono Chul Park Gallery.

The exhibition is considered an important event for emerging artists in southern Arizona. It gives students from all Pima campuses the opportunity to present their work in a professional venue that will be viewed by the public.

Gallery hours are Mondays and Wednesdays from 10:30 a.m.-5 p.m. and Fridays from 10 a.m.-3 p.m.

For more information, contact the gallery at 206-6942, visit pima.edu/cfa or email centerforthearts@pima.edu.

Faculty recital to feature piano combos

The Pima Community College music department will present a faculty piano recital titled “Mano a Mano” on Sunday, March 25, at 3 p.m.

The performance will be held in the Center for the Arts Recital Hall at West Campus.

Featured performers will be faculty members Eileen Perry Schwartz, June Chow-Tyne, Raymond Ryder, Alexander Tentser and Kassandra Weleck.

The concert will feature the musicians performing solos, as well as pieces with four hands at one piano, four hands at two pianos and eight hands at two pianos.

Schwartz has been chair of the piano department at PCC since 1980. She has performed as a soloist with the Tucson Pops, among other orchestras.

Chow-Tyne has performed extensively in Asia and North America as a soloist and chamber music player. She serves as an adjunct piano faculty member at Pima.

Ryder is an adjunct faculty member who is active in the National Teachers Association and American Guild of Organists. He also has a private teaching studio in Tucson.

Tentser studied piano at Gnessin Music College in Moscow, and serves as an adjunct piano faculty and director of the PCC Orchestra.

Weleck has performed as a soloist and chamber musician at music festivals and master classes across North America and Europe. She is an adjunct piano faculty member at Pima.

Program pieces include works by composers Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Franz Schubert, Sergei Rachmaninoff and Alberto Ginastera.

Tickets cost $6, with discounts available. For additional information, contact the box office at 206-6986, visit pima.edu/cfa or email centerforthearts@pima.edu.

-Compiled by Steve Choice

TOP 10: Study tips

By CELESTE ORENDAIN

Here are 10 tips that can help you improve your study habits.

1. Use group study
As some of our instructors say, two brains think better than one. If you study with a group, someone might have answers to your questions.

2. Make note cards
Make note cards and study them during breaks or whenever else you have time.

3. Highlight
If you highlight important content with different colors, it will be easier to find what you’re looking for later.

4. Write sticky notes
Write reminders on sticky notes and post them in places where you always look, such as on your laptop, by your cell phone or even near your shoes.

5. Reread
Reading the same material more than once helps you memorize it better.

6. Rewrite
Rewriting the same thing over and over helps you to remember it.

7. Review
Look back over your class notes in the morning, when your mind is fresh. That works better than waiting until late at night, when you’re tired.

8. Drink coffee
Believe it or not, caffeine helps. Drinking a cup of coffee while reviewing for a test is an excellent option for helping you remember information.

9. Talk
Talking with friends or family about your next exam helps ingrain information in your brain.

10. Find quiet places
Look for quiet places to study. Interruptions such as music, people and traffic keep you from absorbing information.

Horoscope

By THOMAS F. JOHNSON

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Rick Santorum’s name turned to mud after he made homophobic comments in the past. Be careful what you say, both online and in real life, because sometimes words are forever.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
“Dungeons and Dragons” plans to make a fifth edition, hoping to improve by going back to the basics. If you ever find a change of yours is not working out, improve things by going back to basics, too.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Never start reading TVTropes. It always ends with you wondering how in the hell you got to the page on Birdemic and then realizing in horror that you haven’t done any studying in the last five hours.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
If you are losing touch with the people who care about you most, take another look at where your life is going. Even if the Democratic Party can’t learn this advice, you probably should.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
If you start to consider public nudity a reasonable option, then you’ve had too much to drink. This goes doubly so if you involve fireworks in said nudity.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept.22)
The dark lord Zal-Cheroth is coming April 20 to devour your entrails and herald the return of the Old Gods, who will plunge the sun into 10,000 years of darkness as they consume the souls of mankind. My suggestion would be to run.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Don’t believe everything you read.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
There are three places you shouldn’t ever pry in your friends’ lives: their love lives, their family lives and their porn stash. Keeping this in mind will save you infinite amounts of awkwardness and grief.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Many people say this is the year of the Mayan Apocalypse. Be sure to live every day like it is your last before Quetzalcoatl drowns the Earth in solar fire.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
I had to give up after editors stomped my idea for an experimental Lovecraftian horoscope with a hob-nailed boot, but don’t give up on your dreams when everyone else tries to crush them.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
When you’ve got your head in the clouds, make sure to keep an umbrella with you.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You see how inane and trite that last piece of advice was? Never say anything like that to anybody in a bad spot in their life. Nine times out of 10, it only makes things worse.

The Movie Snob: ’21 Jump Street’

By ERIC KLUMP

“21 Jump Street” helped to established Fox as a powerhouse network in 1987.

A young Johnny Depp headed the cast and its episodes dealt with real issues in teenage lives. A remake of the show is now showing at your local cinema, and is definitely worth watching.

In terms of a remake of the old hit, how does the film stack up? Terribly, but this is a good thing. Instead of trying to copy the old show, this movie is the best buddy-cop comedy in years.

It follows two former schoolmates-turned-partners on the police force, played by Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum. The two, undercover, are sent back to high school to bust a drug ring.

The film takes no prisoners with its humor, making fun of everything from high-speed action pursuits to changing ideals of “cool” to the movie itself, with a series of jokes about the fact that the movie is “another remake.”

Tatum plays officer Greg Jenko, a stereotypical dumb jock in high school, who is turned into a social outcast by the vastly different social landscape of modern high school.

Hill plays Morton Schmidt, who was a nerdy loner in high school but who quickly becomes one of his new school’s most popular students while on assignment.

Others include Rob Riggle, who steals the show as the coach Mr. Walters, and Ice Cube as the officer heading the Jump Street program.

Additionally, Johnny Depp makes a brief but memorable cameo that in and of itself is worth noting.

If you want an average comedy, go see something else. If you want to leave the theater wiping tears of laughter off your cheeks, go see “21 Jump Street.”

Grade: A

“21 Jump Street” opened in theaters March 16.

Trailer: http://youtu.be/oF0hzOP2agU

(c) Sony Pictures Digital Inc.

The Game Snob: Mass Effect 3

By ERIC KLUMP

As March 6 approached, many gamers wondered if Mass Effect 3 would be a fitting end to this series and if it could innovate and improve on an already near-perfect game.

The Mass Effect series is arguably the defining series of this console generation. It gave gamers a deep and enthralling story that, through player-made decisions, creates unique game experiences for every player.

Game play in the series has always been fluid. The game balances RPG elements with third-person action beautifully. The graphics have always shown what a game can do in this console generation, nearing photorealism.

With all of this to consider, how can Mass Effect live up to its predecessors? More, how can it improve on the previous two games?

I’m glad to say that this game doesn’t disappoint, meeting and exceeding high expectations. While playing the game, one doesn’t feel like they are playing something revolutionary or new. Mass Effect 3 is like a stone that’s been polished into a gem.

The story opens with a grounded Captain Shepard being brought back into service to save the galaxy. The series’ antagonists, the Reapers, have mounted a full-scale invasion of Earth.

Shepard has to combat the whole band of Reapers with a much weaker crew. He gathers teammates and old allies as the game progresses, with the larger goal of uniting races from around the galaxy, using his greatest weapon: his voice.

Between cutscenes, players explore, investigate and battle to save the universe from the Reapers and the human-first group Cerberus.

As always in the series, battles rely not only on your shooting and/or biotic abilities but how you direct your team. Both are fluid and easy to use but hard to master, making each fight a rewarding challenge for players.

New to the series is the addition of multiplayer mode, allowing players across the world to play co-op. The mode and its unlockable classes are fun but a slight letdown. It seems like an afterthought that should have been either developed more or left out altogether.

Overall, Mass Effect 3 is an amazing game no player should ignore this year. I recommend playing the whole series.

Score: A+

(c) Bioware

REVIEW: Rachael Yamagata, ‘Chesapeake’

By KYLE WASSON

When I first picked up “Chesapeake,” Rachael Yamagata’s third full-length release, my inhibitions were met with a sigh of refreshing promise. The first notes of her opening track “Even if I Don’t” show Yamagata’s focus throughout “Chesapeake’s” recording: simply make timeless, ambient, emotional music.

The Virginian piano rock-goddess first played with Bumpus, and has since eventually worked with artists ranging from Jason Mraz to Connor Oberst and Bright Eyes.

Yamagata teamed up with John Alagia, the long-time Dave Matthews Band producer, and packed up her belongings for an in-house recording.

By “in-house” I mean Yamagata moved to Alagia’s Chesapeake Bay retreat, instruments and all, and settled down to make the record.

Yamagata wanted complete freedom over the project, establishing her very own Frankenfish Record label. The two names ‘Chesapeake’ and ‘Frankenfish’ kept floating around, and after careful consideration and a little tequila, the names were picked as her label and first independent release.

Yamagata collected friends across the industry to contribute to “Chesapeake.” From laying down late night drum tracks to vocal recordings and even piano sessions in Alagia’s bedroom (it has the best acoustics), the recording process has become a labor of daily love for all involved. It shows through the tracks.

Occasional breathtaking string sections accompany some of the heartiest guitar riffs in mirroring the output of Yamagata’s vocals and outstanding piano. That’s the surprise of “Chesapeake”: you don’t know what you’re going to get from one track to the next.

The crew responsible for the production is a patched-together bunch from all over the indie world. Victor Indrizzo slipped away from his drumming duties for Sheryl Crow’s tour to lay drum tracks. Michael Chaves, guitarist with John Mayer’s band, slept on the couch and laid guitar down when needed.

Yamagata depended on Camera+ and the iPhone to deliver stellar album artwork, and it did. All funds and frequent flier miles were scraped together in the making of “Chesapeake.”

The devotion and patience it took to make this album is evident and Yamagata’s approach is glimmering in each track.

My favorites include “Dealbreaker,” a sultry, slowed-down ballad that compliments her voice wonderfully. She has a smoky, new-age, Janis swagger to her vocals, and I can’t get enough.

Give the album’s opener, “Even if I Don’t” a try. There is a huge shift from traditional mainstream to this track. Some make you want to dance and others make you want to find the bottom of a bottle.

Overall, I believed “Chesapeake” to be an enthralling album. However, I personally appreciate her earlier work. If you like more mainstream, gentle music, “Cheaspeake” is worth your while. At least check her out on YouTube. “Reason Why” was truly a song that tugged at my heartstrings.

GRADE: C+

Tucson celebrates Saint Patrick’s Day with festival, parade

By MEGGIE COSTELLO-KESSLER

Lá fhéile Phádraig shona duit!

For anyone who cannot read Gaelic, this translates into “happy Saint Patrick’s Day!”

St. Patrick is the patron saint of Ireland, born in England during the fifth century. At the age of 16, he was kidnapped by Irish raiders. He lived as a slave in Ireland for six years until he heard a voice in a dream telling him to leave, and proceeded to walk 200 miles to freedom.

Once he reached England, Patrick heard an angel in a dream instructing him to return to Ireland as a missionary. He studied in England for 15 years to be a priest and then returned to Ireland. He is credited with bringing Catholicism to Ireland.

St. Patrick died around 460 A.D. on March 17.

Tucson will celebrate its 25th annual St. Patrick’s Day Festival on March 17 in El Presidio Park Plaza, 160 W. Alameda St., starting at 10 a.m. Live Irish music, dancers and a game area for children will be available.

A one-hour parade will begin at 11 a.m. at Pennington Street and Stone Avenue. This year’s theme, “Honoring our Founders,” will celebrate the vision and dedication of those who founded the parade.

The Community Food Bank will accept donations at the festival in memory of the Irish potato famine, when 500,000 to 1 million Irish died of starvation or disease.

For further details, visit http://tucsonstpatricksday.com.

Many Tucson restaurants and bars will also celebrate festivities on March 17.

Pastiche, 3025 N. Campbell Ave., will turn the restaurant into Paddy’s Irish Pub. They will serve traditional Irish food, including potato dumplings and Guinness stout cake.

Green beer can be found at Barrio Brewing Company, 800 E. 16th St., and at Gentle Ben’s, 865 E. University Blvd.

Club Congress, 311 E. Congress St., will offer Guinness on tap and whiskey shots, and a live band will play at 8 p.m. A $5 cover is required.

O’Malley’s on Fourth, 247 N. Fourth Ave., will also be celebrating St. Patrick’s Day. They will have live bands playing all day, including both local and Irish bands. Breakfast will be served from 8 a.m. until noon and lunch will begin at 10 a.m. Starting at 4 p.m., a $5 cover will be required, with it increasing to $10 later in the evening. Green beer will be offered in Killian and Guinness, among other brands.

This St. Patrick’s Day, invite over a few leipreacháns (leprechauns), have some beor uaine (green beer) and dance a jig amidst the seamróg (shamrocks). Just be sure not to drive if you feel ar meisce (drunk).

And remember, on St. Patrick’s Day everyone is Irish!

For additional information, check out these websites:

http://tucsonstpatricksday.com

circleoffood.com/blog/2011/03/17/tucson-st-patricks-day-dining-and-whiskey-tasting/

examiner.com/getaways-in-tucson/tucson-celebrates-st-patrick-s-day-with-good-food-good-beer-and-good-music

eyewitnesstohistory.com/irishfamine.htm

history.com/topics/st-patricks-day

history.com/topics/who-was-saint-patrick

http://howtosay.org/en_ga/Leprechaun

http://irish-sayings.com/cats/seasonal/saintpatricksday/

http://tucsonstpatricksday.com/?p=6

http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100316120341AAMTrlw

facebook.com/pages/Pastiche-Modern-Eatery/57282977416