All Entries in the "Horoscope" Category

Horoscope

By APRIL GEORGE

aztecpress@pima.edu

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Get some rest over the summer. Being tired is no fun, especially when you’ve got a few months to catch some sun and hang out with your friends. Make sure to get enough sleep and drink plenty of water.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Do yourself a favor and take a fun class next semester. Make sure it’s something that won’t require extensive thinking or work. You want to unwind in this class, not stress out more. Try meditation.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
You and I have one thing in common this summer. We’re going to be spending time alternating between trying to get (or keep) a job and spending time with significant others. Make sure to make some time for yourself, too, or you’ll go postal.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Home stretch! Make sure you’re not hitting the end-of-semester slump. Be diligent on your studies and pass your exams. Make sure all your papers are in too. You want good grades. Remember, you’re one semester closer to graduating!

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept.22)
Try to take a vacation, if you can. Getting away from it all will do you some good. If you can’t travel, at least try for a friend’s pool with some virgin mojitos. You can at least pretend you’re on a beach in Tahiti that way.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Divide your time evenly. You don’t need to worry about your studies over the summer, so go outside and catch up with your friends and family instead. Make sure you wear plenty of sunscreen though…

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Ready for the epic, no-holds-barred grand finale? Are you really? Here it comes…Thank you for being such a good sport this year and taking all my abuse. I hold Scorpio near and dear to my heart, so I only did it all because I love you guys. Have a great summer.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Make sure to get some sun this summer. If you’re like me, your year of unleashing your inner geek has left you pale. It’s not that pale is unattractive, just that summer is a time for new beginnings. Wear plenty of sunscreen and tan up.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Don’t spend all summer holed up playing video games. Make sure you get some human interaction somewhere. You have three months, after all.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Do some volunteering over the summer. You’ll give back to the community and have a blast. I recommend an animal shelter or a soup kitchen.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Use the summer to catch up on that reading list of yours. There are some good books out there and you’re just dying to sink your teeth into them. May I recommend “A Game of Thrones” by George R.R. Martin? I’m in the process of reading it myself, and it’s pretty good.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Do me a favor. Please try to work on your anger management this summer. I know that you have a temper reminiscent of your fiery nature, but try to curb it somewhat. Hang out with a water sign like Pisces or Cancer for a while.

Horoscope

By APRIL GEORGE

aztecpress@pima.edu

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
OK, so I’m a really bad example of this, but don’t procrastinate. It’s not a good idea, because you’ll end up like me and be awake at 2 a.m. finishing your homework.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
You’re at the same point as Taurus up there. Put the games aside and focus more on your classes. Finals are coming up soon and you need to study.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Don’t forget to study for your math final. You need to pass this semester and you haven’t been doing your best this time around.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You’re starting to count down the days until the semester ends, aren’t you? You may want to stop. You’ve got some time left, you know.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept.22)
Stop putting off that book you’ve been wanting to read. You’ve got some time to kill, and I know you’re dying to get started. Just don’t give away the ending.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Spend less time online. Look, I love “Titan Quest” as much as the next person, but real people exist and you need to start spending time with them.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Is it weird, me not ragging on you most of the semester? Yeah, it was for me too. I’m not doing it this issue, mostly because I’ve wasted most of my space, but look out for the grand finale in the last issue.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
My fellow centaurs… um, that’s literally as far as I got before my ADOS kicked in. Wait, you don’t know what ADOS is? It means Attention Deficit-Ooh Shiny! I get easily distracted by shiny stuff and flashing lights. Sorry about that…

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Don’t let little things bother you. I know it’s hard, but give it a try. You’ll feel a lot less stressed out if you let the little stuff go.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
I’m starting to fall asleep on you, but I’m trying to come up with a good one. Let me think… um… try to get in contact with an old friend. It will feel awesome to reconnect!

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Try horseback riding. It’s quite a bit of fun, and can be very exhilarating. But then again, it can be expensive, so maybe that won’t work after all. Sorry.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

I’ve pretty much given up on being awake right now. It’s almost 2:30 a.m. and I’ve been awake since 9. So I’m going to leave you with this: don’t be like me and stay up late playing video games. Lethargy sucks.

Horoscope

By APRIL GEORGE

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Go forward with confidence and good things will come your way. Yes, I totally stole that from a fortune cookie. I haven’t exactly had time to think this time around, OK?

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Hmm, to be mean or not to be mean? I’m not sure. On the one hand, I really, really want to pick on you. On the other, I’m tired of my dad yelling at me over it. Go make a new friend.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
So, if we’re finally done with the twin thing, I need something new to torment you with. Let me think… how about that class you’ve secretly been ditching? How’s that going, by the way?

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
I’m tired and these are really last minute, so forgive me if they suck. On that note, you’re going to need to be looking over your shoulder this week. I’ve spotted a rogue raccoon and they’re nasty little buggers.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You need to get in touch with your inner weirdo. I would recommend starting by listening to some Meat Loaf (yes, he is a person). Watch his videos for added weirdness.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept.22)

You’re stressed out beyond belief. It’s not good for you. I recommend chamomile or green tea. They’re incredibly relaxing. I’ve been drinking quite a bit of them myself this week.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Take a risk. Maybe color your hair something funky, like blue. At the very least, add a weirdly colored clip. Something awesome and fresh, you know?

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Take some time on weekends to relax. Curl up with a good book, take a bubble bath, have a glass of wine (or the non-alcoholic equivalent — no underage drinking here!) and just veg. Hmm… that actually sounds amazing. I may try it too.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Get in touch with your inner geek. Wear funky clothes, carry around some dice, read “Harry Potter” or something like that. Just go nuts!

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Have some fun once in a while. You’re too uptight. Life is short, and doesn’t always have to be so serious.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

I’m quickly losing steam here, but let me throw something your way. Indulge yourself. Enjoy something slathered in sugar and butter. Let out your inner baker. Trust me, it’s fun.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Last, but not least, my buddy the fish. Have faith in your dreams and they will come true. Also, people suck sometimes but just ignore them. They don’t know anything. Only you can control your destiny… OK, this is getting too much like a fortune cookie again. I give up.

Horoscope

By APRIL GEORGE

aztecpress@pima.edu

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Have some fun over Spring Break. If you can’t afford to go out of town, make your own vacation! A friend’s house works just as well, and if you’re old enough to drink, go for it! (I’m not promoting underage drinking here, sorry!)

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Do some public karaoke. I just did some over the weekend and it was quite exhilarating. It’s definitely a good way to get over that fear of public speaking you have.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You can’t always rely on me to decide your luck. Go make your own. Oh, and relax over Spring Break. It’s your time to unwind. I won’t be working, why should you? Unless you have a job, of course. On second thought, I’ll be working on finding one of those.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Your family didn’t like seeing you? Hmm. Go back to the twin. They told me they missed you while you were gone.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Have a non-alcoholic drink on me. You’re doing really great this semester. But I won’t buy you booze because I have no way of knowing if you’re actually old enough. Sorry, but the same rule I used with Pisces applies.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Try something creative while you’re on Spring Break. You can borrow my muse. I’m sick and tired of him. No, really. He gives me nothing but grief.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept.22)

You, however, should focus less on partying and creativity and more on school. You need to get your act together if you want to pass your trigonometry test. Use your Spring Break wisely, but don’t get overworked.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Don’t be so shy. You need to come out of your shell more often. People really like you, but you don’t ever give them a chance to say so. What are you afraid of?

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

OK, OK, I’ll be nice to you. For now. Take yourself to a spa or something and treat yourself. You deserve it. Oh, and help me make fun of the new Billy Mays. He’s a tool.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You need to help Scorpio with making fun of new Billy Mays. While you’re at it, look up “So What” by Pink. You’ll laugh.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Every issue you look to me for advice. Why do you put up with my abuse? You’re better than that, you know. Over Spring Break, try something new. I recommend getting off Facebook and actually seeing your friends.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Last but not least, do something besides study. You’re going to pass your midterm, so relax over Spring Break. Go spend some time with your family, or at least your friends.

Horoscope

By APRIL GEORGE

aztecpress@pima.edu

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Have some fun over Spring Break. If you can’t afford to go out of town, make your own vacation! A friend’s house works just as well, and if you’re old enough to drink, go for it! (I’m not promoting underage drinking here, sorry!)

Aries (March 21-April 19)Do some public karaoke. I just did some over the weekend and it was quite exhilarating. It’s definitely a good way to get over that fear of public speaking you have.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You can’t always rely on me to decide your luck. Go make your own. Oh, and relax over Spring Break. It’s your time to unwind. I won’t be working, why should you? Unless you have a job, of course. On second thought, I’ll be working on finding one of those.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Your family didn’t like seeing you? Hmm. Go back to the twin. They told me they missed you while you were gone.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Have a non-alcoholic drink on me. You’re doing really great this semester. But I won’t buy you booze because I have no way of knowing if you’re actually old enough. Sorry, but the same rule I used with Pisces applies.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Try something creative while you’re on Spring Break. You can borrow my muse. I’m sick and tired of him. No, really. He gives me nothing but grief.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept.22)
You, however, should focus less on partying and creativity and more on school. You need to get your act together if you want to pass your trigonometry test. Use your Spring Break wisely, but don’t get overworked.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Don’t be so shy. You need to come out of your shell more often. People really like you, but you don’t ever give them a chance to say so. What are you afraid of?
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
OK, OK, I’ll be nice to you. For now. Take yourself to a spa or something and treat yourself. You deserve it. Oh, and help me make fun of the new Billy Mays. He’s a tool.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You need to help Scorpio with making fun of new Billy Mays. While you’re at it, look up “So What” by Pink. You’ll laugh.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Every issue you look to me for advice. Why do you put up with my abuse? You’re better than that, you know. Over Spring Break, try something new. I recommend getting off Facebook and actually seeing your friends.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Last but not least, do something besides study. You’re going to pass your midterm, so relax over Spring Break. Go spend some time with your family, or at least your friends.

Horoscope

By APRIL GEORGE

aztecpress@pima.edu

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Don’t look so down, Pisces. Sure, your life seems horrible, but at least you didn’t have to sit through Lady Antebellum sweeping the Grammys again. Wait, you did? Sorry about that, then. Your life is going nowhere but up.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

I’ve been too nice to you. It’s time to change that, but I’m in too good a mood to bother. So, go watch “Fiddler on the Roof” or something. I have a copy you can borrow.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
OK, I’ll be nice to you. My dad chewed me up for the last round, so have a giant cookie on me. And get ready for next issue, because the nice stops here.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Somehow, I have to wonder if all this time I’m advising you to spend with the twin is not affecting the rest of your life. Maybe you two should take a break and spend some time with your actual family. It’s just a thought.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Hmm, where do I go from here? I’ve done the stalker thing to death and, really, the Fates are being amazing to you. I almost have to wonder what you’ve done to earn their favor. You should totally let me in on your secret sometime.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Have some ice cream and celebrate. You’ve survived this far in the semester. That’s about all I’ve got for you. I seem to be reserving the snark for Scorpio again.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept.22)
Again? Don’t you get tired of never actually being told anything? Fine. Let’s see what I’ve got. How about this? You’re going to have to dodge a stampeding elephant this time around. Does that work for you?
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
I’ve got nothing for you either. Sorry, the short skirt Rihanna’s wearing on the Grammys distracts me. Check back next issue. I’ll trot something out for you then, I promise.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You, however, are once again on the receiving end of the snark parade. I hope you still have that umbrella, because the Fates are about to send a huge raincloud your way. Sorry about that, but I don’t control the Fates. I just work for them.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Do you hate some of the music that’s popular today as much as I do? Let’s do something about it. Let your creative light shine bright and give some of those so-called musicians a run for their money. Just promise me that when you win that Grammy, you’ll thank me for motivating you.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You might want to find a new band to listen to. That one you’re always going on about is actually not that great, believe me. I’ve listened to them. Try Voltaire. You might like him.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Here’s the deal. You convince Capricorns to listen to something besides their current band of choice, and I’ll convince the Fates to give you good luck the rest of the semester. You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.

Horoscope

By APRIL GEORGE

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You really need to spend more time on your studies. Midterms will be here faster than you know. If you aren’t ready, you’ll be in serious trouble.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Don’t look so down. I’m not going to rip on you this week. To be honest, I’m jealous. You have a lucky streak a mile wide.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Hey, did you ever figure out how to deal with those teachers you hate? No? OK, take a deep breath, count to 10 and just plan on ignoring them for the rest of the semester. It’ll work out.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Guess what? I just finished demolishing the pedestal. This week, be on alert for a feral rabbit. I’m actually not kidding on this one. You need to watch out for that beast.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

You and the twin need some serious face time. You’re creeping people out by finishing each other’s thoughts. Why don’t you take each other to a movie? I recommend “Black Swan.”

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

The Fates will be kind to you this week. You haven’t pissed them off, I suppose. Keep up the good work. Oh, and stop telling everyone else what to do. It’s annoying.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Don’t forget to call your parents soon. I know they’re annoying as heck, but they actually love you, OK? Give them the benefit of a nice phone call. They did raise you, after all.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept.22)

Are you actually still reading these after last issue? Dang. OK, then. Um… watch a Shirley Temple marathon. No reason, really, other than I think you’ll enjoy it.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You are a wonderful person, and people are starting to notice. Keep it up, and you may just find yourself more popular than ever.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Thanks for the burrito last week. As my thanks, I’ve convinced the Fates to give you some decent luck this week. Just do everything you’re already doing.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

So, did the groundhog see his shadow? You don’t know? Hmm, OK. In that case, keep the winter clothes out. It may get cold again soon.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Your brilliance and charm make you a wonderful person to be around. However, watch what you say to Aries this week. They’re in a bad mood and might actually hit you.

Horoscope: Jan. 27-Feb. 9

By APRIL GEORGE
aztecpress@pima.edu

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Did you really spend all winter eating cheese puffs and stalking Facebook? Really? Be glad classes have started. You can make up for it with all the walking you have to do on campus.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Didn’t get that job, Pisces? Well, lighten up, because it’s not all bad. You could be a 200-year-old vampire with an emotional complex… wait, that’s the plot to “Interview with the Vampire.” My bad.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Aries, Aries, Aries. The proverbial stubborn one. Don’t let your ego ruin your life. Trust me. People are not impressed by the “me-me-me” attitude you’ve had going recently. Stop it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Believe it or not, Taurus, the stars aren’t throwing a darn thing at you this week. Watch out next time, though. I’m going to knock you off the pedestal and smash that thing to bits.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Now that you’ve found your twin, Gemini, be sure to use your new-found powers for good. Don’t, for instance, use your twin to break a date with that weirdo from math class. That’s not fair to the twin.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Did you practice your stalker smile over the holiday, Cancer? You did? Good. Now go find some unwitting moron who will welcome your worthy adoration. I mean… don’t do that. In fact, disregard all of this advice. And have fun.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

What will I do with you, Leo? You have such a habit of putting your foot in your mouth. Just make sure you don’t say the wrong thing in class this week, or you’ll have bigger issues than who you’re taking to see “The Green Hornet.”

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept.22)

Virgo, you’re a lovely person. However, don’t put too much faith in what I say about you. Everyone knows these horoscopes aren’t real. They’re made up by a crazy person with too much time on her hands and a talent for inappropriately misdirected sarcasm.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Watch your step this week, Libra. Instead of giving in to the urge to kick some butt when the much bigger football player insults you, simply take a deep breath and call him a snowman. Enjoy your time in traction.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

I wouldn’t bother listening to my advice either, Scorpio. Really, I’m just bored, and insulting you seemed fun. Oh, do me a favor? Run to Taco Bell and get me a burrito. Hold the onions and red sauce. Thanks!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

I know you’ll understand what I mean, Sagittarius, when I say this time of year bites. Don’t worry, though. Spring is around the corner… unless that groundhog sees his shadow. In that case, join me in wallowing in the freakish misery of a longer winter. Or is it the other way around? I don’t remember.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Capricorn, I’ve decided I don’t like you this semester. You will be my verbal punching bag. You’ve been warned. No, I’m kidding. I just can’t think of anything to put for you. Try again next time. I’m sure I’ll have something.

Horoscope

By ANA RAMIREZ

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)

Being lethargic and bored with life isn’t fun, Sagittarius. The next few weeks should be different. You’ll meet new, even strange, people at random.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)

You are on fire this week. Some may even say you’re looking a tad bit suave. Keep up the good work, you sexy thing… it may only last a week.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

The semester’s almost over, Aquarius. Do something spontaneous. Take that short road trip you’ve always dreamed about.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

You’ve been dreaming a lot lately about airplanes or trying to escape a torturous death, Pisces. Ever think your dreams might be hinting at something?

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Today you embarrassed yourself by getting caught singing at the top of your lungs to a “Little Mermaid” soundtrack. It’s OK, the embarrassment will heal. At least you’re original.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

So the cat’s out of the bag but your significant other wasn’t as angry as you feared. Did it ever occur to you that maybe your sweetie is also cheating on you? Just asking.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Disaster after disaster! When will the madness end, you ask? Don’t fret, Gemini. By the end of the week, you’ll find some serenity.

Cancer (June 22- July 22)

Procrastinating seems good at first. In the end you’re only screwing yourself. Just think of all the fun you could be having.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

This may be the one week you want to play the lottery, Leo. You’re feeling lucky and you should. You’re surrounded by luck. I bet you could even find a four-leaf clover if you tried.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

Be very careful this week if you want to stick around for 2011. Look both ways before crossing the street and chew your food slowly.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

How about taking the bee out of your bonnet, Libra? Lighten up. Next week will look a little better if you do. Otherwise it will be just as gloomy as now.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Found out some bad news this week, did ya? Well, Scorpio, take one step at a time. Don’t jump into that shotgun wedding your parents are insisting on. Other options will reveal themselves.

Horoscopes

By APRIL GEORGE

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

The world doesn’t understand you, Sagittarius. You have so much to offer, but people think you’re weird. Let them. Normality is boring. Eventually, people will realize that your obsession with steampunk is not completely insane.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Take up a hobby, Capricorn. Learn to knit, or maybe take an art class. It’s the only way to relieve the creative spirit that wants out.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Take a fun class next semester, Aquarius. You need the stress relief. All your other classes are going to be a nightmare.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Come out of the clouds, Pisces. Start living a real life, because that imaginary one won’t help you win any prizes. And those cuties you have your eye on? You don’t impress them when you keep your nose in a book all the time.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Aries, you’ve done a good job of not messing up this semester. That luck is about to end. Watch out when you try to deep fry the turkey on Thanksgiving.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

I have to be nice to you, Taurus. My dad is one of you and he’s tired of me ripping on Taurus. So, um… keep doing what you’re doing, and you’ll have good luck. Or something like that. I’m not a fortune cookie.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Have you found that proverbial twin yet, Gemini? You should get on that. Life’s a lot more fun when you have someone to help you prank your uncle during family get-togethers.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Enough with the creepy smiles, Cancer. You’re weirding me out. Go study for your final or something. You don’t need my advice. You do everything just fine on your own.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

OK, OK. I’m done with the idea of changing the sign, Leo. You’re a majestic lion and I have to accept that. So get out there and keep on being a lion! Just don’t eat antelopes. That would be off-putting.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept.22)

Your turn, Virgo. Don’t put your hand in the blender, and stay well away from the bread slicers. I sense that Thanksgiving will be a very dangerous time for you. Maybe you should stay in bed.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Did you avoid those sharp objects last week? Good. The Fates will be kind again. Mainly because I can’t think of anything mean to write here.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Good luck and happiness are coming your way, Scorpio. No, not because you won the lottery. Because I am finally, finally being nice to you!

Horoscope

By Ana Ramirez

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Have you looked in the mirror lately? Don’t be afraid. It really is you — you just let yourself go for a bit. You need to jump back on that pogo sick and get back out there.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)

Feeling a little blue and lonely? Don’t. In the next few days you will meet that special someone. Yes, the kind you can bring home to meet the family.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)

Haven’t you heard the saying about not counting your chickens before they hatch? I bet you’re regretting those decisions you made last week.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

It’s time to stop being selfish. Instead of getting your nails done and hanging out at the mall all day, do something nice for your community. Volunteer somewhere.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

This week will be a bad one, let me tell you. First you might lock yourself out of the car, then you may lose some money. Try not to walk under any ladders.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Stop being a creeper. Instead of going to the local CD store every week to pretend that you’re browsing, just talk to that adorable worker behind the counter.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Remember that person you “loved” in Junior High? Get over it! It’s creepy enough that you found your old flame on Facebook, but now you’re trying to reminisce about old notes and special moments. Get a life.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

If you didn’t have any friends before you moved, what makes you think you’d have any now? It’s not the town, it’s those drunken, obscene, untrue phone calls about your mother dying.

Cancer (June 22- July 22)

You know it’s time to stop eating at McDonald’s when you know the menu better than the employees. Try Subway this week.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

Try some yoga or mediation this week. When you’re threatening to throw pennies at waitresses, you know you have issues to deal with. Re-channel that energy elsewhere.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

Think your mate’s going to leave you in the next couple of days or even minutes? You’re extremely right. You’re stressing everyone out, not just yourself. One word of advice: Relax!

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Last week you really messed up and were quite upset about it. It’s OK, though. You will mend. Just learn from your mistakes and life will continue.

Horoscope

By Ana Ramirez

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Libra, this is your month to shine. Start thinking as Outkast would put it, “ain’t nobody dope as me, I’m dressed so fresh, so clean.” Get your hair cut and freshen up. You’ll soon be busy sipping margaritas of success.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

When you hear the name Machiavelli, do you think it refers to Tupac Shakur’s CD, “Makaveli?” Think instead about “The Prince,” and the man who first said “the end justifies the means.” It’s time to take your education more seriously.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)

Your ferris wheel of life seems stuck. Get off and find another ride.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)

Mother knows best? Think again. It’s time for the hatchling to leave the coop. That’s right, move out of Mommy and Daddy’s house and start your own life. Spread your wings a bit.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

All is well in the life of Aquarius. You work hard and are succeeding. Take a picnic.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

If you’re like Andre Nickatina and catch yourself saying “I’m a Pisces but I rather be a killa whale,” go rediscover what Pisces are all about. Unworldly, compassionate, imaginative, idealistic.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Enough with ripping out pictures from magazines and watching romantic comedies. Stop dreaming of the day you will become one of those characters. Start your own story.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Your heart might be broken this week but next week you’ll be glad it’s over. Just think, no more drunken arguments. I bet you wish you never got those initials tattooed.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Try not to worry too much about the mistakes you’ve made. Learn from them and try not to repeat. Just remember: some mistakes never go away.

Cancer (June 22- July 22)

You’ve been going on walks to ponder life and events. Yesterday you thought you saw a sign that things are looking up. Maybe the thing that made the day a little brighter was always there and you weren’t looking hard enough. Learn to appreciate the small things in life.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

Unlike Cancer, you’re looking way too hard and making things too complicated. Calm down. You’ll find what you want. Take a deep breath and stop caring so much.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

There is such a thing as being too nice. Don’t let others take advantage of you. You’ll get fed up and become a bitter person.

Horoscope

By April George

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Go see a movie this weekend, Libra. Ask that cutie from your literature class to join you. You’ll be glad you did!

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

I was pretty harsh with you last time around, Scorpio. But let’s face it. No one wants to be you. You’ll wind up all alone with your face in the gutter this week. I suggest staying in bed.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Hey, Sagittarius? You know, you’re the weirdest of the signs. It will be especially apparent this week. Embrace it, or it’ll just get worse. Love yourself in all your crazy glory. Others will follow eventually…

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Try out for a play, Capricorn. Your dramatic nature will thank you for it, and people will stop laughing behind your back when you talk about “Dungeons and Dragons.” Ah, what do I know? I’ll see you when we play next week!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Look out behind you, Aquarius. That little white lie you told yesterday will come back to bite you. Better prepare your cover story.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Don’t you hate it when your horoscope sucks? Well, Pisces, get used to disappointment because you’re going to encounter a lot of it this week.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Hey, Aries. Try something new this week. Instead of your usual music choices, go online and listen to the exact opposite. You might just find something fresh to enjoy.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Tread carefully for me, Taurus. You’re not out of the swamp yet, and I think I see an alligator behind you…nah, I’m just messing. Go read a book or something. You play too many video games.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Gemini, you are definitely the prize of the signs this week. I’d study a bit more, though. That midterm isn’t going to pass itself, and it’s definitely not the easiest test you’ve ever taken.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Smile for me, Cancer. A little bigger… that’s it! Now, when anybody sees you, they’ll remember you as “that weirdo with the creepy stalker smile.” Trust me, though. That’s a good thing. No one will mess with you!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

So, we’ve officially decided, Leo. You need to be more assertive. Quit letting people walk all over you… unless you like being covered in footprints. In which case, carry on.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept.22)

Branch out a bit more, Virgo. Instead of making fun of the group playing “Dungeons and Dragons,” ask if you can join in! Of course, I can guarantee you’ll be made the healer, so prepare to die. A lot. Healers are squishy, after all. Fits you perfectly.