Taurus (April 20-May 20)

There are many reasons to believe there is a better tomorrow. Fight for the things and the ones you love, but don’t be a hater. Show some love. If you can’t be happy, let others be happy.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Take care of what you have and those who really care for you. I hate to admit it, but you’re still amazing. Don’t walk in the sun if you don’t have sunscreen.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Learn from others’ experiences. Don’t eat too much hot sauce if you can’t handle it. A bottle of water could help. Some of the mild salsa varieties are really good, too.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Look for the truth, even if you have to read lots of books. Your friend does not always have the right answer. It is always better to have the answer in your hands, rather than worrying about it.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept.22)

Enjoy a good, cold watermelon. It’s an amazing way to handle the hot weather, and is filled with good nutients. Share the treat with someone who needs a friend.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

No one is going to wait until you feel like waking up at noon. If you know that you have things to do, wake up earlier.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Take advantage of doors that open for you. You’ll never know when great opportunities knock if you have the radio on high volume.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

One day you’re going to miss what you had and never took care of. It is never too late to do the right thing. Make the change today for a better tomorrow. I know you can do it.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Believe in what you can do. Don’t put yourself down or hide your feelings. You have big things to give. The world is your oyster, but only if you have the courage to step up and claim it.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Put your feet on the ground and look to the front. Make your own decisions and don’t let anyone choose for you. The game is about to start. You must make changes to protect yourself from losing.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Never let someone hurt you twice. Allowing second chances lets people know that you will forgive and not forget. It’s important to take care of yourself. By doing that, you’ll be the best ‘you’ possible.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Things don’t get lost if they have no value. If you miss people, let them know. When you have true love, you can hear the heartbeat from miles away. Powerful feelings never disappear.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
I apologize for betting you about eating the fake grass in your Easter basket, Taurus. I didn’t think you’d actually do it. On the bright side, I got a funny Facebook status out of it.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Ease up on the cologne, Gemini. Your smell alone is about as strong as the odor in an enclosed basement at a frat party. These tears you see? Not tears of joy.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Congrats on becoming my summer intern, Cancer. One thing to remember – my dry cleaning isn’t just going to pick itself up. Welcome aboard, and easy on the starch.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
I’ve got to be honest, Leo — you bore me to tears. I guess the upside is that you can’t literally bore someone to death. No murder convictions in your future.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept.22)
I just don’t think she’s that into you, Virgo. I was kind of tipped off when she poured red wine all over her favorite white dress just to have an excuse to go home. But I’m pretty sure she’ll be out later, if you want to keep striking out with her.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You and I make a great team, Libra. With me to doing all the thinking and you to carrying the luggage, I really think we could go places

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You know those toy chimps that incessantly bang on their cymbals, Scorpio? That’s how I think of you. I mean that as a compliment. Those things always bring a smile to my face.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
So you’re going up the river for five to seven, huh, Sagittarius? Well, look at the bright side – you’ll come out of prison ripped and not too many people will dare mess with you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Capricorn, now that you’ve blathered on about your crackpot political views for the last 30 minutes, I was wondering if you could possibly go straight to hell?

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You say, “Sometimes I feel like you just don’t care that much.” Aquarius, it’s not that I don’t totally care about your concerns. It’s that I don’t care at all.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Sorry I told everyone about that dream you had about the woman you’ve got a first date with on Saturday, Pisces. The good news is that now she knows how you truly feel.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
I want to wish you and your family the very best that this life has to offer, Aries. Know that I’d do anything to help you, now and forever. Don’t ever forget — you make the world shine.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
No matter how bad your day is going, someone will always bring a smile to your face.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Every day is an opportunity. Don’t think twice; take it. Try new things and be open to adventures! Take the risk. There is nothing you can lose except your money.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Explaining a “had to be there” moment is like explaining why you have to take a shower every morning. Be who ever you want but remember that being original is what truly matters.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Don’t let anything get in your way; your dreams can come true. There is always sunshine after a dark day.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Sooner or later you’ll find out that you waste too much time believing in advertising. Don’t you know that it’s all about controlling what you really want?

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)
Even best friends have disagreements. You can act like stuff doesn’t faze you or that you don’t care, but in the end, you’ll find a cure to your pain.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
If you never try, you’ll never know what you can do. Keep jumping — you never know when it might be your lucky day. Maybe you’ll get the better apple from the tree.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Fight for what you want, because big things happen after war. Wipe your tears and show your commercial smile. Don’t believe everything your friends say; they might be wrong. You are the only one who has the power to control your emotions.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Special moments can end in a night. You know what you want, but you just have to wait for the right moment. Remember to think before talking.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Don’t waste your time making excuses. Life is not a game — try to understand that everybody is different and we all view things from a different perspective.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Be close to friends who know how to read; it might help increase your knowledge. And who knows, you could find your study partner.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)
Expect the unexpected from love; you could have a surprise. It could be good or bad — you decide.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Rick Santorum’s name turned to mud after he made homophobic comments in the past. Be careful what you say, both online and in real life, because sometimes words are forever.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
“Dungeons and Dragons” plans to make a fifth edition, hoping to improve by going back to the basics. If you ever find a change of yours is not working out, improve things by going back to basics, too.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Never start reading TVTropes. It always ends with you wondering how in the hell you got to the page on Birdemic and then realizing in horror that you haven’t done any studying in the last five hours.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
If you are losing touch with the people who care about you most, take another look at where your life is going. Even if the Democratic Party can’t learn this advice, you probably should.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
If you start to consider public nudity a reasonable option, then you’ve had too much to drink. This goes doubly so if you involve fireworks in said nudity.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept.22)
The dark lord Zal-Cheroth is coming April 20 to devour your entrails and herald the return of the Old Gods, who will plunge the sun into 10,000 years of darkness as they consume the souls of mankind. My suggestion would be to run.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Don’t believe everything you read.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
There are three places you shouldn’t ever pry in your friends’ lives: their love lives, their family lives and their porn stash. Keeping this in mind will save you infinite amounts of awkwardness and grief.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Many people say this is the year of the Mayan Apocalypse. Be sure to live every day like it is your last before Quetzalcoatl drowns the Earth in solar fire.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
I had to give up after editors stomped my idea for an experimental Lovecraftian horoscope with a hob-nailed boot, but don’t give up on your dreams when everyone else tries to crush them.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
When you’ve got your head in the clouds, make sure to keep an umbrella with you.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You see how inane and trite that last piece of advice was? Never say anything like that to anybody in a bad spot in their life. Nine times out of 10, it only makes things worse.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Sorry Pisces, you’re getting the brunt of my frustration right now. I won’t even disguise the bad news. You’ll have to dodge a speeding truck next Thursday. Good luck with that.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Aries, you need to spend less time on the Internet. Barring that, avoid feeding the trolls. They’ve started showing up in my corner of the ‘net and I will hunt down whoever has been encouraging them.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
My dad says I have to be nice to you this week, Taurus. Besides, I’m burned out from dealing with fandom fallout, so I just don’t have the energy to think of something mean. Deal with it, OK?

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Have some chocolate and a banana, Gemini. My sources tell me you have low potassium. They also tell me this is a crummy horoscope. My bad.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
My mother says I have to be nice to you, too, Cancer. Not sure when I was ever not nice, but whatever. I foresee an ice cream truck breaking down in front of your house this week, so there’s that.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
There might be dragons in your future, Leo. I can’t say much beyond that, though, because I’m really not sure. The Fates seem to be mad at me, so they’re only giving me the bare minimum here.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept.22)

Did the feng shui help last week, Virgo? Wait, it did? I may have to take my own advice, then. My head’s been all out of whack lately … oh, sorry. This isn’t about me. Adopt a monkey. They’re hilarious.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Now that you’ve finally beaten “Skyrim” you can move on to new challenges, Libra. I’ve seen you do some pretty impressive roof-jumping and skulking about lately. Now, I repeat, back away from “Assassin’s Creed.” Come on, don’t you have any outdoor activities?

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
So I just found out that my favorite actor is one of you, Scorpio. You now have a free pass from me. I seriously cannot bring myself to be mean to you. Hey, you hear the one about Katy Perry? No? Me either. I’m just bored.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
I’m distracted by my TV, Sagittarius, so I’ll admit I didn’t actually think about what to say to you. Except, avoid acid. It seems like one heck of a bad drug. Fake acid trips are OK, though. For that, just watch Tim Burton.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

My advice to you is to make sure you get those grades back up. Oh, who am I kidding? Like I’m one to talk here!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You had a birthday recently, Aquarius. Well, happy birthday. My present to you is that, like Scorpio up there, you’re getting a free pass on my snark. You can thank Bridget Regan for that.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Have you actually managed to keep your New Year’s resolution, Aquarius? I’m impressed. I gave up about an hour into Jan. 1. You should keep up the good work, though.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Stop obsessing so much, Pisces. You’ll get the grades you want with a little work, but you absolutely need to stop worrying so much about it.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You know what you need, Aries? Sassy gay friends. Now, they don’t actually have to be gay, they just have to act like the stereotypical sassy gay friends. And you can’t have mine. I’m not sharing her.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

The future is looking bright for you, Taurus, as long as you avoid the wild boar the Fates are throwing at you on Tuesday. If you don’t manage to avoid it, I can’t really give you any advice.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Make plans to go see a new movie, Gemini. I’d try “The Woman in Black.” You’ve been craving a good thriller lately, and “Cabin in the Woods” doesn’t come out until April.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Hmmm … you, Cancer, need to find something good to do for the community. You’ve been feeling restless lately, and giving back will feel really good.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Buy some Girl Scout cookies, Leo. Indulge yourself. Because frankly, you are way too tightly wound. Oh, and, um, refrain from planning any weddings in the near future. Trust me.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept.22)

Try some feng shui, Virgo. In your home, your bedroom … heck, even in your car. Just rearrange something to balance out your own conflicting thoughts and feelings.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You’ve been getting adventurous, Libra. Fighting dragons, rescuing damsels, undertaking quests on which the fate of entire kingdoms hang. Now do me a favor, and back slowly away from Skyrim. Go get some sun.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Guess what, Scorpio? I’ve decided not to pick on you. For now. Treat yourself to a piece of cake and keep looking over your shoulder for me to drop that bomb.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Dust off that old typewriter and write some poetry, Sagittarius. The typewriter will both keep you from the Internet distractions and give you an old-timey feeling while you work.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

I keep getting distracted by “Buffy,” Capricorn. It’s the wedding episode, which I’ve never seen all the way through. But here, have a horoscope: Tell your significant other you love him/her. Life is short and you never know what could happen.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You haven’t picked up a single book since last semester ended, have you, Aquarius? Tsk tsk. You can make up for it by finding something new to read. I’ve been reading the complete works of Emily Dickinson, but whatever works for you.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You need some new tastes in music, Pisces. I feel like we’ve had this conversation, but there you have it. I find The Pretty Reckless to be fairly intriguing, but you may want something more highbrow. In that case, give Lana Del Ray a listen.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Did you make the mistake of scheduling an early class, Aries? Me too. It’ll be good for both of us, though. We need to learn to go to sleep at reasonable times. And hey, it means you’ll get decent quality horoscopes from me because I won’t write them at 3 a.m. Everyone wins!

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You need to unwind a bit, Taurus. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, or whatever that quote is. Spend time doing something you love. Paint a landscape, read that book you’ve been looking forward to… the possibilities are endless.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
You’ve had a semester off from me, Gemini, so here’s the main question: How’s that twin doing? Oh, you two stopped hanging out? That’s a shame. Ah well, it happens. Chalk it up to experience and move on.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Got anything fun planned for the semester, Cancer? You’re going to want it. You can’t always take difficult classes, or you’ll burn out from the stress. Take a dance class, or something fun like that.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Ah, my lions. Tell me, Leo, do you always pay your debts? Because if you do, you may be a Lannister. What do you mean you don’t know what I’m talking about? Sigh. Forgive me, I’ve spent my break with “Game of Thrones” fans. It’s rubbed off.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept.22)
What kind of classes are you taking this semester, Virgo? The Fates tell me you need to take it easy. You’ve got the rest of your life to worry about doing what you have to do. Right now, worry about what you want to do.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
At least you got to play Skyrim, Libra. I don’t own it yet, because I was told not to buy it. This is why I don’t usually listen to people. So how was it?

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
I haven’t yet decided if I’m going to pick on you. For now, I’ll leave you with the following advice: never let your mouth write a check your butt can’t cash.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Winter is here, and it’s horrifying. Do what I do, fellow Sagittarius, and stay indoors. Wrap in your Snuggie, curled up on the couch with hot chocolate and a good book. Yes, I own a Snuggie. At least it’s not a Forever Lazy.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Miss me, Capricorn? I’m sure you didn’t. But I missed you! I’ve had no one to pick on. Oh right, you want a horoscope. Erm… hit the ground running this semester and study hard? Does that work?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)

I know it seems like everything is falling apart, but it’s not. Just take a step back and re-evaluate the situation. Things will clear up. All of the frustration will be over soon.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)

Keep your eyes open and your ears tuned. Something significant is going on with someone close, and you may soon be needed. Be ready to offer help when asked.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You’ve been taking it easy, but you should be taking things much more seriously. Deadlines are creeping up fast, and you want to be ready for them. Get through your finals before you ease up.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

You’ve been really critical of others recently, and you need to tone it down some. Although you have good intentions, they may come off the wrong way. Nobody likes to be judged.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

People close to you are doing more harm than good right now. Talk to them and keep an open line of communication. Make sure they know how you feel.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Tell that new love interest that you’re interested! With the cold weather we’re facing, now is a good time to unleash your romantic side and cuddle up. Light a fire, or at least bring along a warm blanket.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Things may be getting frustrating with your friends right now, but don’t worry. Just chill. When the time comes for open communication, let it be heard.

Cancer (June 22- July 22)

You feel that you can take on the world, so go out there and do it. Right now is a great time to tackle another project or try something new. Register for that class you’ve been wanting to take.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

You’ve been stressed with all that’s on your plate, but don’t worry. Things will get better soon. Just keep pressing hard and you’ll get there. Classes will be done before you know it.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

You’ve been getting a lot of attention recently, and it has been very flattering. Don’t let it go to your head by getting complacent. Keep working hard and you will surely be rewarded.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Come on now, everyone else has finals and holiday problems, too. You don’t need to take out your frustrations on others. If people set you off, give them a second chance.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Your friends are playing a big part in your life right now, so embrace them. Make sure they are part of your holiday plans, and tell them how much they mean to you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)

Remember how Ice Cube was all hardcore? And now he’s in the next family comedy about black folks camping? You may think the two are incongruous but he has matured over time. What commitment will you make to mature over time?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)

It is easy to rest on your laurels once you’re done mainlining midterms. But honey, you’ve got to think about the future. Lay some groundwork for the short-term goals that lead to the long-term money shot.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Pulled in different directions? Unable to make a commitment? My astrological omens say things are weird for you right now. But that is OK. Pull a Hunter S. Thompson and roll with the madness.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

You need to be as plentitudinous as Picasso because this time of your life is going to be intense. Find the willpower, the discipline, the energy drink, or whatever you need to make “it” a reality.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Do you have friends with whom you share cutting edge things and then they post it on Facebook like they own it? Don’t let that stop you. Go and get it from the source with your fierce badass self!

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Having great taste should blanket over most things in life but sadly it does not. We make mistakes and will continue to do so. What’s important: surround yourself with people who have intelligent and healthy obsessions.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

You are dimly aware that your self-expression may be a little too heavy for others… but this could be all part of your wildly successful “Purple Rain” venture.

Cancer (June 22- July 22)

There’s going to be lots of change in your life: kind of horny and annoying like a teenage boy and kind of emotional and intense like your Mom going through menopause. Accept the changes because they’re going to happen anyway.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

You are cutting corners, running around, doing errands to get to all the good stuff that happens later. As a responsible hedonist, could you be the Henry Miller of the zodiac? All signs point to yes!

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

“The dude abides,” so chill and mellow out. If you are stressing about a certain situation, relax instead of reacting.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

All those dizzying updates of news and information make it difficult to stay focused. Don’t be afraid to turn off the phone and be old-fashioned for a few minutes.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

There is so much going on, it is difficult to keep track of your business. But you can’t just check out of life. Wake up and smell the creosote. Be here and be now.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
With this being your time, expect good things to be headed your way. However, don’t become too jaded with all your positive luck.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)
You will have some trouble on the friendship front. Make sure to have your guard up and trust your gut.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)
You might be feeling extra lonely due to personal circumstances, but have no fear. This feeling will soon pass.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You have been quite promiscuous lately. Make sure to act more refined this month, for some negative rumors are sure to be headed your way.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)
Forgetting about your problems will not make them go away. Make time for yourself to sort through all your issues and you will feel much better.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Love is in the air for you, Aries! You are radiating your infectious energy and attracting many suitors. This should be quite an enjoyable time for you.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
This is an imperative time, when you need to take control over your life and start reaching those goals. They are more attainable than you think.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
For once, try and let others in your life make the decisions. You tend to be very set in your ways. Be careful, for this could drastically affect the relationships in your life.

Cancer (June 22- July 22)
Some major life changes are headed your way. You need to break free from your everyday routine. Do not be afraid to take a leap of faith when it comes to your career.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)
You’ve been lagging in school lately, and the stress of it is beginning to mount. Keep in mind that it is never too late to regroup and prioritize.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)
You must listen to what others say more carefully in order to succeed in your day-to-day happenings. By doing so, people will appreciate your sudden knack for giving advice.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Usually you are very self-serving but it seems lately a new compassionate manner has come over you. People will soon recognize this and you will be rewarded for it.