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Horoscope

Horoscope

By ASHLEY MUÑOZ

Aries (March 21-April 19)

The stars are done giving you advice, Aries, mainly because they’ve been dead for hundreds of years.

 Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Hey Taurus, it’s never too late to get into streetwear. Don’t listen to what your family and friends say, spending $600 on sneakers is nothing. This is what you do when you want to be the best. You were born to be a hype beast.

 Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Gemini, you must delete your Twitter account. It’s getting you into a lot of trouble. No one cares about your opinions and no one cares if you’re funny, unless you’re Chrissy Teigen.

 Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Stop looking up your dreams on dream interpreter websites, Cancer. They aren’t supposed to make any sense. Just like “Donnie Darko.”

 Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

People laugh at you, Leo, because your favorite book is “Catcher in the Rye” and your favorite movie is “Joe Dirt.” Just because you have a mullet doesn’t mean you’re allowed to openly talk about how great you think “Joe Dirt” is.

 Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

The stars will only be in your favor, Virgo, if you stop being selfish and give me $20. You can find me in the West Campus cafeteria. First floor, Santa Catalina building. See you soon.

 Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Libra, you need to stop getting drunk on weekdays. You can’t steal the Declaration of Independence. You can only borrow it.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Stop calling your ex, Scorpio. This isn’t a Drake song.

 Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Hey Sagittarius, here’s some advice. Stop ruining people’s lives. Everyone will surely appreciate it.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You’re not going to pass your classes if you sleep in, Capricorn. Do you want to stay here forever? I didn’t think so. Get it together, asshole.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You’ve been feeling stressed, Aquarius. It’s time for you to unwind, drink wine and cry while binge-watching “Naked and Afraid.”

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You feel like no one understands you and I get it, but stop Googling your astrological compatibility with Joe Biden. He’s married.

Horoscope

Horoscope

By DAKOTA FINCHER

 Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Don’t be shy. Strut your stuff and leave everyone else dead in the water. Use the fish in your sign to help with this. Did you know Rhianna is a fellow Pisces?

 Aries (March 21-April 19)

Life is all about making memories, so do something outright crazy. It’s college for a reason, right? Make it your goal to have a wild story to one day tell your kids or, if you’re more of an animal person, your cats. I don’t judge.

 Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You and I both know you need to go shopping. Go ahead, I support you. It’s OK. Don’t stress about the bills. They can wait, trust me. Don’t think about it too much.

 Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Don’t get yourself into anything you can’t talk your smooth self out of over Spring Break. Just keep the good times coming.

 Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Make wise choices over Spring Break. Y’all are not together for a reason, remember that. Who needs this more? You or me?

 Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

So what if they left you on read? Go out and make ‘em blow up your phone, but don’t respond. Petty, I like that.

 Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Listen, let go of whatever is holding you back. Some serious “you” time is overdue. I’m talking about some TLC, face masks. Better yet, listen to “I’m out, by Ciara.” Even better, put up a Instagram post in something new. Whatever makes you happy.

 Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Three words to describe your Spring Break: Young. Wild. Free. Just don’t take it too far. Your liver and life will thank you later.

 Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov.21)

Is it beer before liquor or liquor before beer? Find out for us.

 Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec.21)

Something spontaneous sounds fun. Go backpacking or read a new book. The possibilities are endless. The world is your oyster.

 Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan.19)

As hard as it sounds, don’t plan this one. Go with the flow and let the current take you. When you’re too busy planning, you could miss out.

 Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Remember that one night, yeah, the one there’s no speaking of? Avoid. Fireball. It’s OK … me too.

HOROSCOPE

HOROSCOPE

By DANIELLA CAMPUZANO

Aquarius (Jan. 20- Feb. 18)

Focus on yourself this year. Do the best you can with what’s expected of you. This is a good time to do some research and explore more education. Of course, you may need to take risk but it’ll be worth it.

Pisces (Feb. 19- March 20)

Your sense of humor will make your honey fall more in love with you every day. Be honest with each other, and smile.

Aries (March 21- April 19)

You might want to try something new today. A new adventure will come your way very soon. Be patient, and try not to push yourself too much.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

I can see you’re spicing things up. With everything going on today, you’ll be lucky. Trust me, I promise. Do something fun and creative.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Here you go redecorating again, Gemini. If you aren’t redecorating, you are refurnishing or just cleaning. Put everything down, and go buy yourself a heart-shaped pizza.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You may have a lot of errands to run today, which means you will come into contact with some very unusual people. Take some chocolates. You’ll need them.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

As a result of everything happening in your life, stop making plans and just go with the flow. Don’t think about it too much. Remember, you only live once. 

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You will be full of energy, so get into in touch with an old friend and arrange a coffee date. You may enjoy it so much that you’ll make it a weekly event.

Libra (Sept. 23. -Oct. 22)

Memories are going through your mind today. This is good–you’re releasing old obstacles. By the end of the day … Wait, what memories again?

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Try to avoid temptations and arguments today. Problems will be resolved soon. Today is a great day to get some coffee and enjoy alone time.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

This month will be very overwhelming for you. Don’t let anything get in your way. Obstacles will come and go. Do what you please and feel free to leave early if you’re not thrilled.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Take an exotic trip with a group of friends. A little adventure could do you some good. Go to a music festival or even a rave, and let loose. Don’t think about anything, just do it.

HOROSCOPE

HOROSCOPE

By ERIK MEDINA

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Don’t be basic! If you’re single, do things you’re not used to, have fun. In a relationship? Spice things up! Try sushi with your partner.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

Didn’t get a New Year’s kiss? Don’t get too excited, you probably won’t get a Valentine’s Day kiss either. Sorry.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

We’ve all had desperate times. Can’t get rid of a clinger from Tinder? Remember, when in doubt, “New number, who dis?”

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Don’t focus too much on your romantic relationship, but more on your friendships. Your friends have been there through your ups and downs. Appreciate it.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Fries before guys. Sisters before misters. Mates before dates. Pals over gals.

Cancer (June 21- July 22)

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to watch “Fifty Shades Darker” alone. Just in case, though, bring a friend or take the book. Say it’s for book club.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

You might not have found the “one” yet but that’s OK. Don’t rush into things. Would you rather pick up 10 pennies from the ground or one dime?

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

Relationships are overrated, so stick to pets. We know you’ve closed the door to force your pets to spend time with you. Don’t worry, you’re not alone.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Feeling blindsided on what to do for Valentine’s Day? Have you ever heard of Pinterest?

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

When planning a romantic evening, it’s the thought that counts. However, making ramen, pouring it into a bowl and serving it to your date does not qualify as a fancy meal.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)

Being single isn’t as bad as it’s put out to be. That’s why there’s Netflix. Binge watch a series and eat food. That will mend your lonely heart.

 Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)

Date someone outside of your circle. Be aware, however, that artists aren’t always the best choice. If you break up, they make something out of the experience. Your pain is their path to becoming famous and rich.

HOROSCOPE

HOROSCOPE

Editor’s note: Each quote is from social critic Christopher Hitchens. Dec. 15 marks the fifth anniversary of his death.

By S. PAUL BRYAN

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21

“Alcohol makes other people less tedious, and food less bland, and can help provide what the Greeks called entheos, or the slight buzz of inspiration when reading or writing.”

Well, you can’t argue with that.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)

“Take the risk of thinking for yourself, much more happiness, truth, beauty, and wisdom will come to you that way.”

No one is the boss of you but you, Capricorn. Take the bull by the horns. Call your own shots.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

“How ya doin’?” I always think, What kind of a question is that?, and I always reply, “A bit early to tell.”

Ain’t that the damn truth!

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

“Beware what you wish for, unless you have the grace to hope that your luck can be shared.”

Wisdom. Take it. Use it.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

“There is nothing more; but I want nothing more.”

Aries, if you will simply accept that there really, truly is nothing else you’ll find that you make the most of all you have now.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

“I became a journalist partly so that I wouldn’t ever have to rely on the press for my information.”

Don’t believe everything you read, Taurus.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

“There can be no progress without head-on confrontation.”

Progress and force dead-weight knuckle-draggers to progress with you.

Cancer (June 21- July 22)

“You have to choose your future regrets.”

Choose wisely, Cancer, choose wisely.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

“Exceptional claims demand exceptional evidence.”

Leo, don’t buy all the BS that folks try to sell you. Call them on it, demand the facts.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

“Cheap booze is a false economy.”

Think on it, Virgo. Drink on it. Then wake up and think on it again.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

“Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that’s where it should stay.”

That’s right Libra. You may have a story to tell but that doesn’t mean the rest of us want to read about it.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

“There either is a god or there is not; there is a ‘design’ or not.”

Come on Scorpio, drop that baggage. Use some common sense and allow yourself to continue along evolution’s path for you.

Horoscope: Nov. 23- Dec. 7

Horoscope: Nov. 23- Dec. 7

By S. PAUL BRYAN

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)

“Open up your eyes for me people, the prophecies are true and the beast is real.” ―Jonathan Anthony Burkett

The beast is real. RUUUNNNN!!!!

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)

“It’s the end of the world every day, for someone.” ―Margaret Atwood

…and that someone just might be you, Capricorn. Or maybe not. But maybe so.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

“It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine. —R.E.M.

Good for you, Aquarius. Have fun, go wild and start on that bucket list now. Enjoy it while you can.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

“And I saw another angel ascending from the east, having the seal of the living God: and he cried with a loud voice to the four angels, to whom it was given to hurt the earth and the sea, saying, Hurt not the earth, neither the sea, nor the trees, till we have sealed the servants of our God in their foreheads.” —Revelations 7:2-3

Yeah, it’s at that level, Pisces.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

“My zombie apocalypse plan is simple but effective; I fully intend to die in the very first wave.” —Graham Parke

Not a bad idea, not a bad idea at all.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

“Don’t wake me for the end of the world unless it has very good special effects.” —Roger Zelazny

Oh, don’t worry. You’ll be “woke,” my friend.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

“What about your apocalypse then? Well, the universe is a leaf on a time-tree, and come autumn it’s going to shrivel and fall off into hell.” —China Mieville

Nothing I can do about it, Gemini. Nothing you can do about it. Accept your fate.

Cancer (June 21- July 22)

“We see the storm clouds gathering and events taking place that herald the second coming of Jesus Christ.” ―Billy Graham

Once Jesus comes the second time, it’s definitely over. (Somehow the guy that can cure the blind and turn water into wine never has a third round in him.)

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

“What were they thinking? It’s an alien apocalypse! Quick, grab the beer!” ―Rick Yancey

Leo, it’s time to tie one on. You’ll most definitely want to be drunk before the aliens get you.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

“The sun will expand and engulf our orbit as the charred ember that was once Earth vaporizes. Have a nice day.” ―Neil deGrasse Tyson

At least Neil makes it seem quick, although it does sound a bit like religious teachings of hell. Have a nice day, hahahahaha.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

“The atomic bomb was created with the destruction of men in mind” ―Bangambiki Habyarimana

And the USA just voted Donald Trump for president. Good luck with that.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

“No one is going to survive without throwing up like 5,000 times” —Paul Bryan II

I’m not sure if this guarantees the end of the world but if Paul Bryan II says so, than it is so.

Horoscope: Nov. 10-23

Horoscope: Nov. 10-23

By DAVID PUJOL

 Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Friendship is important, Scorpio, but please stop being psychotic. Instead of worrying about your friends, listen to them and be thankful for the changing of the autumn leaves.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)

Your looks are the least of your worries, Sagittarius. Instead of worrying about your sense of style, be thankful for that one time you were the line leader in second grade.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)

Capricorn, the world is a dangerous place and always will be. Instead of worrying about your safety 24/7, be thankful for the fact that you are breathing and still alive.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Aquarius, instead of worrying about what other people think of your hair, clothes or beliefs, just be thankful for that time you called your pet by its name and it actually came to you.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

Pisces, you worry too much about those you love. They will be OK. Instead of worrying, be thankful for that one time your parents let you play hooky when it snowed.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You need to take some “you” time, Aries. Take a class, do some yoga or find some other form of self-care. Relax and love yourself. Be thankful for people who get their desired results on a pregnancy test.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You may be very unsure of what you want in your love life or school or career, Taurus, but it’s OK. You’ll figure it out. Instead of being concerned with that, be thankful for that one perfect song to which you know all the lyrics.

 Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Life may be confusing and your future may just seem like a daydream, Gemini, but you are going places. Be thankful for the setting sun creating a masterpiece of a sunset in our Arizona sky.

 Cancer (June 21- July 22)

Cancer, you may be sad but that isn’t a new feeling. You are stronger than you know. Smile, laugh, create and be thankful for that someone who can make you laugh when things get tough.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

The semester might be kicking your ass, Leo, but you can do this. Your GPA won’t matter in 30 years, so try not to give it more than 30 minutes of worry now. Instead, be thankful for the feeling you get when you’ve accomplished a lot.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

Virgo, success will happen. Just give it time. Instead of worrying about when you’ll make it, be thankful for the fact that modern medicine has cured so many awful diseases.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Now is not the time for an identity crisis or a full mental breakdown, Libra. Pull it together instead of worrying about your self-image. Be thankful for the answer pages in the back of some textbooks.

Horoscopes

Horoscopes

By DAVID PUJOL

 

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

I’d like to say thank you, Virgo. It might not be said as often as it should be but know we’re thankful for you! Don’t get discouraged if you aren’t praised for your kindness. If life gets too hard, become an artist.

 

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

It may seem as if no one is concerned with your feelings or opinions, Libra, but that is not the case. You are so helpful, and your voice matters even when no one asks. If it gets too hard, become a talk show host.

 

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Times may be hard, Scorpio, but it’s the beginning of a new school year so stay strong. I won’t pry but I hope you’re OK. People care for you. If you disagree, you can become a stripper.

 

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)

It may seem as if there’s a lot of negativity present in the coming weeks. Just know, Sagittarius, that you need to be positive. If you disagree, become an accountant.

 

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)

It can be very hard work, Capricorn, but you need to put in the effort. Don’t give up. If it gets too difficult, become a tattoo artist.

 

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You love it, Aquarius, when someone acknowledges what is actually going on. Ignorance isn’t bliss and you should take pride in your voice. If you disagree, become a presidential candidate.

 

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

I know how horrible it feels when no one wants to listen to you. But Pisces, just tell us what is going on with you. If it gets too hard, become a struggling writer.

 

Aries (March 21-April 19)

It seems obvious that you want appreciation, Aries. Just know you are an awesome human being. If life gets too hard, become a firefighter.

 

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

It’s OK to step outside of your comfort zone, Taurus. You may feel exposed but you are brave for doing so. We care and you’ll have our support. If you disagree, become a chef.

 

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You are always changing, Gemini. It’s only human nature to do so, but others may see you as two-faced or artificial. Please don’t listen to them. If you disagree, become a model.

 

Cancer (June 21- July 22)

You’re very insecure, Cancer, and may need reassurance that you are valued. It’s awful to feel unappreciated but just wait: Your loved ones will let you know they love you. If life gets too hard, become a teacher.

 

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

You are very charming, Leo, and often get away with things that would trip up most other people. However, you should reconsider some of your actions. If life gets too hard, become an actor.

 

Horoscopes

Horoscopes

By S. PAUL BRYAN

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

“Why do all balls look like they’re 150 years old?” -Whitney Cummings

Think of the information you’ve absorbed this year. Try to figure out why we, as humans, haven’t found the answer to Ms. Cummings question. It’s a brain teaser. Happy birthday.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

“College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic.” -Natasha Leggero

It’s true, Gemini. Alcoholism is an issue that you are working your way into, not away from. With your all-night drinking and “a little hair of the dog,” things aren’t looking good. Get help.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

“I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.” -George Carlin

Cancer, just don’t die this month and I think everything will be OK … at least for this month.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

“I don’t set out to offend or shock, but I also don’t do anything to avoid it.” -Sarah Silverman

You’ve done it again, Leo. You’ve pissed everyone off and didn’t even mean to. They’re upset, but what are you supposed to do? Tip toe around all of these sensitive people? Nope.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

“I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying till I get it right.” -Richard Pryor

Keep at it, Virgo. Things will work out eventually. Don’t forget the witness and make sure to get those signatures in ink on the pre-nup.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

“Just because you are blind and unable to see my beauty doesn’t mean it does not exist.” -Margaret Cho

Do your thing, Libra. This is your month to shine. Get out there and be as beautiful as you want to be because you are just that, beautiful.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

“I’m Dave Chappelle and I’m a chronic masturbator.” -Dave Chappelle

Hey, Scorpio. Guess what you and Mr. Chappelle have in common. Yep. Do yourself, and those around you, a favor. Get a partner!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

“I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people … that’s why I don’t like any of them.” -Roseanne Barr

People. Who needs them? Not you. Stick to yourself over the coming weeks and enjoy your solitude. Go ahead, have some “me” time.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering, and it’s all over much too soon.” -Woody Allen

Think about it, Capricorn. Life’s a ____ and then you die. So, instead of letting life be a ____ to you, make life your ____. You’ll find it much more enjoyable that way.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

“Normal is just a cycle on the washing machine.” -Whoopi Goldberg

That’s right Aquarius, let your freak flag fly! Have fun, go wild and be yourself. Your life is set up for you to be however you want to be.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

“Life is a four-letter word.” -Lenny Bruce

Sorry Pisces, this isn’t your month. Prepare yourself for the bad side of that bipolar conundrum we all call LIFE.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

“Everything’s amazing right now, and nobody’s happy.” -Louis C.K.

Aries, take a look around you and appreciate what the astrological gods have given you. Stop and smell the roses. Life is good.

Horoscopes

Horoscopes

By AUDRIE FORD

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’re patient with those around you, but can be greedy. Remember the azalea during these upcoming weeks. The flower stands for a timeless message, “Take care of yourself for me.”

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Imagine a peaceful cattail blowing in the wind by a stream whenever you start to fall off balance. This plant symbolizes peace and hope for prosperity.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
You are loving, but cautious. It can be difficult for you to let go of things. A pink carnation indicates remembrance, fascination and divine love.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Though Leos are brave and faithful, they may be a bit bossy. Think of the pale peach rose, and dwell on its message of modesty and humility.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You are reliable, but can be a bit shy in front of others. As strange as it may seem, tuck a garlic flower into your breast pocket. Borrow some courage from this unusual plant.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Libras are idealistic peacemakers who can sometimes get their heads stuck in the clouds. The gladiolus, or sword lily, will remind you to stick to your principles while maintaining sincerity.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Your powerful personality and go-to drive could translate into stubbornness. Consider coreopsis blooms and their message of cheerfulness when you feel like it must be your way or the highway.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Your incredible optimism is a desirable trait, but don’t let it turn into irresponsible outbursts around friends. The cattleya orchid symbolizes mature charm.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Though practicality is a good trait, it can turn you into a pessimist. Think of the yellow rose when life starts to get you down. Let its message of friendship and joy lift your spirits.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Your honesty makes you interesting company, but you may find it difficult to connect. The iris, which stands for a loving message of meaningful friendship, will remind you to keep in touch with loved ones.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Your imagination can become your escape from reality. White heather symbolizes protection and the idea that wishes will come true. Remeber this when your selflessness puts you at risk of being hurt by others.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Hotheaded and adventurous, you are a red or pink hyacinth flower. This flower symbolizes playfulness, and reminds you to not overwork yourself as the semester winds down.

HOROSCOPES

HOROSCOPES

By MICHEAL ROMERO

Aries (March 21-April 19)

“Did you see that ruca? She looks just like Salinas!” Bust out the “Washer Machine” and all of your dad’s Selena albums.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

“What’d you say about my mama? You feel sorry for who?” Add King Kendrick’s new album to your playlist and get caught up in delinquent-type activities. You’re a rebel.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

“Are y’all throwing a party? There’s rumors … in the Twittersphere.” Throw a party and bump “Gas Pedal” by Sage the Gemini all night. It’s still a banger.

Cancer (June 21- July 22)

“But you ain’t got no legs Lt. Dan!” Go for a run. Wear a reflective vest so you don’t get run over. Play “Free Bird” and begin your run at the end of the song where it gets all fast.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

“A king’s time as ruler rises and falls like the sun.” Take charge of a situation and show everyone who is boss. Listen to “Circle of Life” and eat an antelope … or maybe just a cantaloupe.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

“Allow nothing to be in your life that you cannot walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you spot the heat around the corner.” Time for Spring cleaning. Purge the excess in your life with songs by DJ Shadow as the soundtrack.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

“The Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all, ‘What about the strain on our resources?’” Make sure you’re registered to vote and bump “We’re Not Gonna Take It” by Twisted Sister in the process.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

“Thunder always comes after lightning, ka-chow!” Go fast and go hard. You’re invincible. Listen to “Kickstart My Heart” by Motley Crue in the car really loud.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)

“Mohammed is the most commonly used name on Earth, read a F-ing book for once!” Get a good read in during your spare time. Listen to jazz without vocals, like some Stan Getz tracks.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)

“I’ve never had one before … What a room to yourself? A bed.” You’re tired and need to sleep. Play ocean sounds or ambient Brian Eno music while you nap and reflect on all that you have.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

“So you’re a killer? Let me see your war face!” Go aggressive with your workout and yell really loud at the gym as you finish sets. Play the Full Metal Jacket soundtrack like you’re training for Vietnam.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

“You’re a wizard, Harry.” There’s magic in the air, so be magical. Play “Rude” by MAGIC! because that song is still sweet.

HOROSCOPE

HOROSCOPE

By DAVID PUJOL

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Your imagination is incredibly vibrant, Pisces. You will need to make a choice soon. You have big dreams so don’t set them aside.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You’ve sent away your inner child, Aries. Remember to dance and sing. Because you are so set on everyone only seeing you at your best, you’ve lost the part of you that doesn’t care.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You have a good eye for seeing true beauty, Taurus. If you really love a flower, don’t pick it no matter how beautiful it is. Find the beauty within yourself so you can see it in everyone else.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Your mind is full of so much noise, Gemini. Sometimes the noise is demented, the little bastard in your head who says your art isn’t beautiful. I’m going to tell you a secret: it’s wrong.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

You enjoy photographs because they’re reminders mostly of the good times. They tell you that even if it’s just for one second, everything can be perfect. You are being tested this month, Cancer, and you’ll do just fine.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

The passion within you is incredibly strong, Leo. It’s time to award some of that passion to someone who’s been after your heart for quite a while, but only if you deem him or her worthy. Don’t give away parts of yourself for someone else’s happiness.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You’re very analytical, Virgo, and find comfort in things that make sense to you. That is why you need to step out and believe in something you cannot see.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You use style and aesthetics to distract from your flaws, Libra. Yes, we know you have flaws. Be strong and allow yourself to show the world that you even find your flaws to be beautiful.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You need to move on, Scorpio. Forgive and forget. Allow yourself and the other party to heal. You’re bright and lovely, so don’t dwell on the dark and scary times.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You’re an optimist at heart, Sagittarius. Your luminosity is wonderful, so please share it with those who may be going through some dark times.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You’re filled with determination, Capricorn. People might not see your willful nature, and that is their loss. You have much to offer, and you will persevere.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You’re so serious and set on the goals you want to accomplish this year, Aquarius. Someone in your life needs a little insight, so kindly offer up some of your substantial knowledge.

Horoscope

By JASON WEIR

Pisces

(Feb. 19-March 20)

It’s a leap year, so take a leap of faith. Try something out of your comfort zone. Don’t be afraid to feel like a fish out of water.

Aries

(March 21-April 19)

Stop ramming your head against the wall as an effort in futility. Take advantage of the extra day to center your chi.

Taurus

(April 20-May 20)

You need to stop trying to be the tough one. Your anger leaves you seeing red. Let someone bully you today.

Gemini

(May 21-June 21)

You are spending too much energy and time in an effort to mirror others. You need more than a day to find your individuality.

Cancer

(June 22-July 22)

Every four years the moon shines on you, child. It has given you a longer year so you have an extra day to be crabby.

Leo

(July 23-Aug. 22)

Give yourself a rest because you have an extra day to spend lion around. Let your roar be heard the rest of the year.

Virgo

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You are stuck in a rut. This is the time to try new things. Make today a day for a maiden voyage.

Libra

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Homeostasis is not just science for you; it is your lifestyle. You always strive for balance. Today, tip the scales in your favor.

Scorpio

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

The world dislikes you and that encourages your temptation to sting. Use your extra day to refocus your attack.

Sagittarius

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You are only as good as your aim. Quit horsing around and use the extra day of practice to help you hit your bull’s-eye.

Capricorn

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Your ruling nature makes you baa-d-ass, however, once every four years, be good for a day.

Aquarius

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

This leap year is your chance to find your true self. You have to leave the dry river and find your water.

Horoscope

Horoscope

By S. PAUL BRYAN

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.” – Joan Rivers

Aquarius, you’re not what they’d call a looker. Hit the gym or make a cosmetic surgery appointment. Either way, love is not in your forecast.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

“Love is a promise delivered already broken.”

– Steve Martin

You will never live up to the standards of your partner, and your partner will never reach your unrealistic ideal. You lie too often in your honeymoon stage. I implore you to simply give up.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” – Rodney Dangerfield

You’re going to ruin your life and someone else’s. Reflect upon the ramifications of halting the progression of another human being’s life.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

“A kiss may ruin a human life.” – Oscar Wilde

Before you go throwing your lips all over whomever will let you, think of the life you might be ruining. The life may be your own.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

“I used to love her, but I had to kill her.”

– Axl Rose

O.J. Simpson loved somebody. Kurt Cobain was in Love, too. Robert Blake and Sid Vicious were madly in love. Gemini, this Valentine’s Day you should stay out of love … and out of prison.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

“Must be another one she loves”

– Mac DeMarco

Cancer, are you sitting down? Your loved one is cheating on you. Hell, your little angel has been cheating throughout your relationship. Sure, you could find someone else, but the stars are in line with Jupiter, so this will only happen again.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

“My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.”

– Garry Shandling

Leo, your new nickname is The Iron Curtain. I’d tell you to open up, but the stars won’t have it. You’re a danger to all hearts. Do us a favor on Feb. 14: stay home and watch Netflix.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

“You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain’t no happiness nowhere.”

– Chris Rock

Sorry, Virgo. You’re screwed, no, not in a good way. The alignment of Saturn’s moons won’t allow any passion for you. You’re destined for romantic dissatisfaction, indefinitely.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

“You can never be wise and be in love at the same time.” – Bob Dylan

Do you desire wisdom or love? Both the setting of Venus and Mr. Dylan say you can’t have both. Make a choice: smart or stupid. Your call.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

“Got my mojo working, but it just won’t work on you” – Muddy Waters

You’re a cool cat. Unfortunately, the one you want doesn’t want you. The stars tell me your plight has to do with Uranus. You’re going to be a sad and lonely little kitten this Valentine’s Day.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx

Who knows (other than me, of course) whether you’ll experience love. The planets are definite, however, that no one loves you now. You have zero chance of getting any late-night romance.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

“Sex without love is as hollow and ridiculous as love without sex.” – Hunter S. Thompson

Capricorn, you’re not satisfying anyone with your current actions. Stop giving it up to everyone who strolls by. The stars will eventually align in your favor.

Horoscope

By MELINA CASILLAS

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Aquarius, your aloof nature may make you yearn for some alone time but as your birthday approaches don’t be afraid to go out and have fun.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Something smells fishy and it’s not just your zodiac sign, Pisces. Someone will probably take your selflessness for granted sometime this year, but don’t let it discourage you.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Your adventurous and energetic personality has already gotten you into some sticky situations. Try taking it easy, Aries. Remember, you still have the rest of 2016 ahead of you.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

As a persistent and determined person, Taurus, your New Year’s resolution hasn’t gone as planned. Maybe try again next year?

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Gemini, having two different sides gives you and those around you whiplash. Whether it be your more sociable side or your introverted side, try to find your dominant side this year and embrace it.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Getting to know you is hard to do, Cancer. Get in touch with your own emotions and try opening up more. You’ll make an unlikely life-long friend.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

As a strong Leo, you know what you like and what you don’t like. Get out of your comfort zone and try something new.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You like to describe yourself as an “organized mess,” Virgo. This has caused some commotion for you in the past. Sit yourself down and get organized. It’ll make this year easier.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Partnership is important to you, Libra, but a watched pot never boils. Don’t go looking for love this year, just have fun and let it come to you.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

As a decisive, intuitive person, Scorpio, make sure to always go with your gut feeling. It won’t let you down, unless that’s the direction you want to go.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Your free-spirit nature doesn’t have you tied down to a resolution this year, Sagittarius, but having goals is always good. Try to set a goal for the year, even if it’s to drink more water.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

As someone who likes to take the lead in things, Capricorn, it is sometimes difficult for you to stop and listen to others. Make sure you are hearing what others say. It may lead to some great ideas or collaborations.