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By MELINA CASILLAS

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Aquarius, your aloof nature may make you yearn for some alone time but as your birthday approaches don’t be afraid to go out and have fun.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Something smells fishy and it’s not just your zodiac sign, Pisces. Someone will probably take your selflessness for granted sometime this year, but don’t let it discourage you.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Your adventurous and energetic personality has already gotten you into some sticky situations. Try taking it easy, Aries. Remember, you still have the rest of 2016 ahead of you.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

As a persistent and determined person, Taurus, your New Year’s resolution hasn’t gone as planned. Maybe try again next year?

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Gemini, having two different sides gives you and those around you whiplash. Whether it be your more sociable side or your introverted side, try to find your dominant side this year and embrace it.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Getting to know you is hard to do, Cancer. Get in touch with your own emotions and try opening up more. You’ll make an unlikely life-long friend.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

As a strong Leo, you know what you like and what you don’t like. Get out of your comfort zone and try something new.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You like to describe yourself as an “organized mess,” Virgo. This has caused some commotion for you in the past. Sit yourself down and get organized. It’ll make this year easier.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Partnership is important to you, Libra, but a watched pot never boils. Don’t go looking for love this year, just have fun and let it come to you.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

As a decisive, intuitive person, Scorpio, make sure to always go with your gut feeling. It won’t let you down, unless that’s the direction you want to go.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Your free-spirit nature doesn’t have you tied down to a resolution this year, Sagittarius, but having goals is always good. Try to set a goal for the year, even if it’s to drink more water.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

As someone who likes to take the lead in things, Capricorn, it is sometimes difficult for you to stop and listen to others. Make sure you are hearing what others say. It may lead to some great ideas or collaborations.

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Fall 2015 Issue 8 Horoscope

Fall 2015 Issue 8 Horoscope

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by MICKEY LAMB

 

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Your pace may be a bit more than the world is ready for, Aries. Have you thought about giving the mountain a slow climb? It may allow you time to reflect on your purpose, as well as save you in aspirin costs.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus, everybody loves a generous host. As you stampede through this season with your holiday herd, provide liberal luxury unto your loved ones. You may find your confidantes better company than your wealth.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

If something doesn’t look right upon first glance, Gemini, get a second set of eyes on the target. Your gifted gaze and Sagittarius’ skilled shot make for one accomplished association.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Cancer, your mood has as many shifts and turns as the moon that guides it. Consistency isn’t just a legend on your road map, it’s the roadmap to your legend. Moving latterly as you walk the shores would be a crabwise decision.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Make an attempt to not let your pride cloud your judgment, Leo. Many will seek your council, so don’t be afraid to tell someone you don’t have the answers. Giving poor advice is worse than giving no advice at all.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept.22)

Virgo, you could gain from allowing your passion to take you when and where it will. Keeping your wits about you has always kept you safe but holding back on your emotions will hold you back as well.  Live a little, give in.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Well-balanced decisions lead to a well balanced lifestyle, Libra.  Avoid decisions that will weigh on your conscience. Tipping the scales in either direction could prove disastrous, calibrate appropriately.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov.21)

It’s your turn to feel the sting, Scorpio. All who’ve gotten close enough to you have fallen victim to your poisonous intentions.  Asserting your dominance may not be in your best interest for once.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec.21)

You’ve remained sharp as an arrow and still manage to maintain your free spirit.  Your partner may wish to tighten the reigns on your relationship. Show them why so many fall under Jupiter’s orbit. Break their will as they wish to break yours.

Capricorn (Dec.22-Jan. 19)

Your ambition to rule over others will be your undoing. Not until you learn to allow others to live as they wish will you ever find yourself at their court. Leave judgment upon the fates and find yourself butting heads less often.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb.18)

Why do you fear taking charge, Aquarius? You watch as the world around you crumbles, yet you sit idly by. Only you can unite all under one banner. You have been called upon for your unorthodox measures.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Pisces, your creativity has been wasting away as of late. With all of your foresight you only forecast visions of doom.  Use that creativity and passion for love to illustrate a beautiful future for you and those around you, and marvel in your premonitions.

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Horoscope November 12-25

Horoscope November 12-25

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by MICKEY RAY LAMB

Aries (March 21- April 19) 

If you were thrifty last week, you should have no problem treating a loved one to a night out. If you gave into temptation, don’t sweat it. The chance will present itself later in the week, after you get your finances in order.

Taurus (April 20- May 20) 

You’ve set the bar pretty high when it comes to lush living. Your expensive taste may have you feeling the burn in your pocket book. Listening to your friends for ideas on how to pass the time may prove to be rewarding, and cheaper.

Gemini (May 21- June 21) 

With last week’s self-doubt behind you, don’t be afraid to throw your weight around this week. If there’s anything you have been holding back from those closest to you, now is the time to let them have it. Your happiness comes first.

Cancer (June 22- July 22) 

Last week’s full moon either gave you the wisdom you needed to solve all your problems, or find new ones altogether. Don’t stress focusing on the tangible, for that never was your domain. Grasp for those often overlooked, unattainable goals, plural.  Why settle for achieving the impossible when you can perfect it?

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22) 

Releasing the reins during last week’s full moon gave you just the break you needed to recharge your spirit. Utilize this energy by actively leading your peers by promoting a sense of unity as a whole.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

Your knack for assessing situations may be muddled this week as you help a friend or loved one.  Don’t forget to take a moment for yourself to find your ground. A brief interlude from the fast pace of the week may be just what your mind needs to keep your wits.

Libra (Sept. 23- Oct. 22) 

You don’t have to be an expert at anything to be an expert in general.  Take these next few weeks to showcase your wisdom and talents. Don’t be a spectator watching a laborer build a wall. Be the mortar.

Scorpio (Oct. 23- Nov. 22)

It’s about high time you made your presence felt. Assert yourself, aggress yourself, don’t let up until everybody within earshot of a supernova knows who you are and what you are capable of at half speed. When no one’s looking crank that biatch up to ramming speed. Don’t confuse creeping in the shadows with being dark and mysterious.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23- Dec. 21) 

You may find your aim slipping these next few weeks. Keep yourself sharp by staying busy physically and mentally. Read a book, learn a skill. Hell, read a book about learning a skill.

Capricorn (Dec. 22- Jan. 19) 

Instead of nagging your peers with ways they can improve their life try to find a constructive way to give feedback. Who wants to take advice from somebody with a cruel tongue? It’s not so much what you say but how you say it. Try to use a little finesse.

Aquarius (Jan. 20- Feb. 18) 

You may be having second thoughts concerning a financial matter or a major decision. This is just you overthinking things. Simplify matters and you’ll find the answers that you seek.

Pisces (Feb. 19- March 20) 

You can’t go through life waiting for the day somebody gets drunk enough to like you for who you think they want you to be. Try being yourself, throw a few opinions out there and you just might find yourself with a ride home before last call, breakfast included, but only if you’re good.

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by S.J. BARAJAS

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Halloween’s here and you’re the type of person that waits to the last minute for a costume. Nothing that cardboard and duct tape can’t fix!

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

When it comes to costumes you should venture away from the conventional and go with the quirky. Buy a Netflix shirt and grab an ice chest you’ll be ready for a night of Netflix ‘n’ Chill.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

You may be feeling frisky and have a sexy costume picked out Gemini. Remember that just because you can do it, doesn’t mean you should. Maybe put away the sexy potato outfit.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

So you think your Game of Thrones costume is pretty snazzy, going to go find a Khalessi of your own I presume. Well you know nothing Jon Snow.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Leo, I would be lion if I said that I would spend Halloween night with you. You’re the type to steal all the good candy I’ll be watching you like a hawk dressed as an Avenger.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

This is it Virgo, the perfect chance to show everyone how awesome your months of planning for this most auspicious night! Too bad Halloween is just one night.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

The devil is in the details your Lucifer costume is demonically delicious. Pray that your soul doesn’t pay the price for such blasphemy!

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Just dress as Dwayne Johnson from the Scorpion King or just a rock, either way you’re covered.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

While people are dressing as sexy witches you’ll be putting your invisibility cloak on and brandishing your poorly drawn lightning scar. Your costume is not very Accio!

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

There’s a good chance that you’ve come up with an extremely specific costume that no one is going to get. Have fun explaining who you are all night especially to all the sexy potatoes.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

How many times are you going to use the same generic pirate costume? Nobody likes Jack Sparrow anymore and the fact that you bought it at party city makes us all sad.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

I would recommend a reverse mermaid costume. Human part on the bottom and fishy part up top, you’ll be the sexiest costume at all the parties.

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Horoscope Oct. 15-28

Horoscope Oct. 15-28

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by AUDRIE FORD

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Coconut water is the drink you need to keep your spirits high. You’re humorous and passionate. It makes people love being around you, but don’t forget to use your creative abilities for yourself too.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Get a glass of green tea to help relax after all the listening you’ve done this week. Everyone knows that you’re the shoulder to lean on Taurus.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Chai tea is great iced or hot, mirroring your fluctuating moods. A classic drink, which will help soothe you after time spent adapting to new situations. Remember, your charisma is infectious.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

You’re loyal and love tradition, this week is a perfect opportunity for you to find a new beginning. Try watermelon lemonade the next time you feel like you need alone time.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

Leo’s are leaders, but don’t be too bossy.  Frustration with others signals that it’s time for a break. Treat yourself to a mango milk tea when your generosity is draining you.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Virgos are curious and always ready for adventure. Try something exciting these upcoming weeks and don’t stress. A Shirley Temple is the break you need

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Rebalance yourself with an Arnold Palmer and strive to keep realistic goals.  Come out of your shell and talk to someone new once you’ve revived your spirits.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Don’t be afraid to open up this week. Be sure to grab a friend and try out your own syrup mixtures in an Italian soda.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Deep thinking can give you a headache if you don’t take a break and enjoy yourself. Iron rich mixed green juice will focus your energy so that you don’t lose sight of deadlines.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Capricorns take time to listen to others, but sometimes forget to take care of themselves. Try a raspberry spritzer, listen to your favorite song and finish an important task.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

While looking for a new way to tackle the situations, reconnect with your inner philosopher with an oolong tea. Don’t relax too much though, or those deadlines might creep up on you.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Don’t be too cautious, and never be afraid to ask for the things you want. Never forget that you’re victorious in your own way. Celebrate things with a pineapple cooler so that the change of seasons doesn’t bring you down.

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By ALYSSA RAMER

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Aries, you will probably get really angry sometime this month, and ask too many questions. But, you are smart, and and want to learn new things.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Tauruses are creative but stubborn and bull-headed. You like to show affection in weird ways, like torturing the cat.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

Gemini you are forgetful, and occasionally disorganized. You will probably think your keys are in your bag as you close the door and lock yourself out of the house. You may run out of gas at the end of your street. Who knows?

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Cancers are hardworking people. You like technical things and math. You are passionate, and may be too loud in settings, like court.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

Leo, you are silly but can be a hard worker. It takes a long time to motivate you.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Virgos will be critical at times, but can be very loving. You will bicker with others often.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Libra, you will probably be stubborn and hard to influence but you cause others to do crazy things like ride roller coasters when they are afraid of heights.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

You aren’t comfortable telling other people stuff. You usually won’t say anything and let people assume things, like you’re single when you actually have a girlfriend. Dick move.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Sagittarius you are a good friend but don’t communicate everything. You could be clearer, like telling us you found another ride home before you just leave, ok Evan.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

You are a fun person to talk to, despite people making fun of your quirks. The cliché of 15 cats applies to you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)

You are a hard worker, and are very positive. You can be a little ditzy at times, but so are Gemini on occasion so it’s ok.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

You are readily upset and prone to joke around in the office while others keep working.

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By DAVID PUJOL

Aries (March 21-April 19)

This month is time for you to be patient.  Waters are calm, and you need to allow yourself some time to relax and let things be.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus, you should be careful about how you spend your money this month. You should also be aware to not stray away the path you are meant to be on, and listen to your inner voice.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

You might not feel in control of your own life. Take a deep breath, and take back the wheel. You may not know how to accomplish what you think up, but give it time and you’ll make it happen.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

You are a loving individual with a smile that can light up a room. So try not to be so shy, and allow yourself to open up to new opportunities, experiences and people.

Leo (July 23- August 22)

Allow yourself to find your direction and you’ll find more joyous moments in your personal and professional life. Take some alone time to allow yourself to figure out what you want.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

Remember to maintain a social life and to find some time to relax and be open to new opportunities. Now is not the time to be a recluse.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Remember what you are here for and why you are doing what you are doing. Don’t allow yourself to stray from the path you have set for yourself because important news is awaiting you in the near future.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Don’t isolate yourself or feel down.  You are brilliant and charming. Make connections with new people, and use that charm of yours to obtain a personal goal you wish to achieve this month.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec.21)

Remember you are responsible for your own life and your own choices. You hold your destiny in your own hands and control your own success.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

First impressions aren’t everything, Capricorn, so take some time before you write off new people. You must seek new opportunities, meet new people and seize the wonderful moments that are presented to you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Don’t be ashamed of your uniqueness and what makes you who you are. I know you have a lot going on personally, so don’t give up yet

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Don’t take everything to heart this week, and don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it. You are loved by many, and your loved ones will help you if you ask for it. Keep calm because you are capable and you will do just fine.

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By VALERIE TURCIOS

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

It’s your time to shine Virgo, but it doesn’t feel that way. Even though you have had negative energy in the past, open up your heart and get out there! Now is the time to listen to the guidance of those around you. Allow them to mend that broken heart. With your new positive energy people will be drawn to you, and bring major opportunities your way.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Do your own thing! Stop letting others tell you what to do. Unless it’s your mother, don’t be rude. Feed the soul by finding what you’re passionate about, and fight for it. Start connecting with different people, especially those that will help you be a better you. Libra, allow yourself to be strong and believe that you can achieve whatever you set your mind to.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Feeling disappointed in yourself lately? As hectic as life can be you always manage to stay productive. Connecting with new people is sure to open new doors for you. Reach inside and bring back that confidence that has been missing from your life. Always push yourself and reach for the stars! As little as you may think you are Scorpio, remember how mighty a sting can be.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Things are going pretty well for you Sagittarius. You have a busy life and you stay active. Just don’t forget to relax and let loose. Stop working so much! While you indulge in some much needed R&R and you daydream about being Beyonce you should also explore your spiritual side. What drives you? There may be new opportunities on the horizon.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Capricorn, you may be enjoying all that structure in your life at the moment, but don’t be afraid to change direction. It may be hard, but take a chance and explore other opportunities. Get in touch with your true feelings, so you can get out of that comfort zone. It’s probably a good idea to leave others outside of your plans. They will just get in your way. Schedule some alone time to clear your thoughts and form a new path that can lead to incredible things.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Feeling excited Aquarius? You are a joy to be around and people are taking notice. Use this energy to your advantage and put yourself out there. That contact list has been looking a little dull. Find someone who shares your same interests or ideas and build something together. If you have a great idea, act on it! You never know where it might take you.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Has your hectic schedule been too much to handle? Take a deep breath Pisces, because you can do it! You have been working hard lately and showing your true potential, but all work and no play is not what you signed up for. Get social! Build new relationships and go out and have some fun. You’ve earned it.

Aries (March 21- April 19)

I bet you really feel in your element this month. Now is the time to find what you love, light a match and set fire to your ideas in a good way. Don’t be afraid to take a risk and stop thinking about all the things that could go wrong. Look at it as a fresh start. Let go of everything holding you back. Use those horns Aries, and power through!

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus, you are looking toward a positive change. In order for that to occur, you have to surround yourself with positive people. Be careful with your words, for those who are silently out to get you. They can interfere with your plans for change. Although, surely you will not let your opinion go unnoticed. You know what you want and won’t stop until you get it.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

As we all know Gemini, there is always change in your life. It’s time for a new beginning and time to show your worth. Never settle! You’re talented, charming and very intelligent. Share your wisdom with those around you. They are sure to love what you’re dishing out. Communication is what you do best, but remember not to overdo it. We wouldn’t want our little chatty Cathy to lose sight of what is really important.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Cancer, you have lots of fire in you. At the start of a new semester that’s a good thing. You want to learn as much as you can and explore your options. Maybe sign up for a new course? Just be careful and try not to spread yourself too thin. Always remember to speak your truth while treating your peers with respect.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You have big dreams Leo. What’s stopping you from achieving those dreams? If you’re feeling inspired, take charge of your life and expand it. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Talk to your peers, for they may give you good ideas. The universe is working hard, sending you many signals. It’s your choice to read them. Climbing the ladder to success is not an easy task. It will take lots of courage.

 

 

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HOROSCOPE

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By ALEX FRUECHTENICHT

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Much like your sign, you are grabbing life by the horns, and all this forward thinking and productivity is going to start paying off. Happy birthday, as well!

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Good on you, Gemini. Your selfless deeds have not gone unnoticed by the stars and will be kept in mind the next time you need a little help yourself. And that is unfortunately going to be soon.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

The summer is coming and you need to lather on that sunscreen and get going on those plans. Your target is a productive summer. Now, fire!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Leo, bro, has anybody told you lately that you’re awesome? No? Well, take it from me, the almighty cosmos, you are awesome. Keep it up!

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

If you’re standing, take a seat, pour yourself some tea and take a nice deep breath for yourself. Going 100 mph with your hair on fire isn’t what you need right now.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Did you know that you’re coming up to a major change in your life? Well, grab your backpack and strap up. I promise that you’re gonna like this one.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

There’s nothing wrong with treating yourself every once in awhile, Scorpio. Go out and grab yourself something nice. Maybe expensive too! You deserve it.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Keeping your eyes on your friends and family is very commendable, and they will not forget that you have their back when it matters.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Grab some takeout, get comfy and throw on a movie. Just sit back and enjoy your day of you.You’ve really earned it.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Having the time of your life, eh? Well, keep in mind that all play and no work makes Jack a dumb boy. Don’t be like Jack, study for a little bit this summer.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Just because everyone else is in a bad funk doesn’t mean you should stoop down into the depths. Keep yourself up with your fellow man. Fight hard and stay positive!

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Grab your keys, some friends and a few days off of work so you can go out and take a very much-needed vacation. I hear the beach is beautiful in the summer.

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By TANISHA KNUTZEN

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

When the candlelit cake arrives, Taurus, take a second to think about the awesome year that just passed. Make sure to blow your candles out for an even better year to come.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

You’re the perfect person to show others how to keep smiling and enjoying life, Gemini. Keep up the good work, the world needs people like you around.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

I hope you’re ready to smell like, look like and feel like summer, Cancer, because that sweet relief of summer time is fast approaching.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Oh Leo, you’re so carefree in your daydreams. No matter how much everyone tells you to return to reality, stay dreaming. Reality will be there when you get back.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Virgo, wake up every morning with the same determination as Beyonce and I promise your day will be no less than exceptional.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Libra, you’re so cool and hip. They probably should name a Starbucks refresher after you.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Stop questioning yourself so much, Scorpio. I promise you’re as cool as an Otter Pop on a hot summer day. There’s no doubt that everyone loves you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

I’m sending positive vibes your way, Sagittarius. I know you’ve been stressed about school and life but take a second to appreciate the good thoughts surrounding you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Take time to do the things that make your soul come alive, Capricorn, because you truly deserve to burst alive with excitement.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

There’s a dancing machine inside of you that’s just begging to be released, Aquarius. I think it’s time you succumb to the movements.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

On the count of three, Pisces, I want you to stop everything you’re doing, pick up your keys, get in your car, turn the radio up to max and drive without an end in sight. Ready, set… three.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You should spend some alone time, Aries. Take yourself out to brunch and catch a mid-afternoon flick at the local theater. Enjoy a day celebrating you.

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By ALFRED DICOCHEA III

Aries (March 21-April 19) Happy birthday to some of you. Hope it was a good one. For the rest of you, just bide your time. It is coming up pretty soon. It’s kind of on the calendar to prove it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) Ever notice that you’re named after a car? I had a Taurus. It was very reliable, but pretty expensive to own. Unfortunately, it quit on me. I hope you’re not like that. You seem pretty cool.

Gemini (May 21-June 20) Let’s be workout buddies, and work off all the Spring Break fun. I heard your energy really showed over the break. Don’t worry, I won’t tell what happened, but you’re crazy.

Cancer (June 21- July 22) I saw your post on Craigslist. babysitting for only $20 a session. I know you need to make money, but that’s cheap. Anyway, I’m going out Saturday so it would be awesome if you can watch my dogs.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22) Thank you so much for the bacon. It was kind of weird that you kept saying you make the “best bacon ever.” Sounds a little over-confident for someone who bought it pre-cooked.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22) You must stop phoning my parents. They appreciate it, but they don’t need someone calling daily to ask if they need help cleaning the house.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Good job on the show last night. You made everything look amazing, but it might have been a bit too fancy. Let’s be honest, I’ve never seen people drink tea and play chess on their break from classes.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) I understand you’re mad that I didn’t go to your party. But you didn’t need to tag my car and egg my house, since I was at all your other parties this week.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21) Always being a designated driver and letting people crash at your house is really cool of you. Don’t think the whole drawing on faces thing was necessary, but thanks anyway. It was kind of funny.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19) Man, can you party. I think you downed a drum of the good stuff, and you kept going and going. You have props from me, but we might need to slow down the soda drinking a bit.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) It’s kind of funny how your name has aqua in it, seeing as you spend so much time at the beach and pool. We all thought you were going to turn into a dolphin.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20) I’m sorry your Spring Break wasn’t the best. It’s never fun staying in during a vacation, but at least maybe you can leave your house once in a while next year.

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By MICKEY RAY LAMB

 

Aries (March 21-April 19)

The battle is yours. This month we all feast in your glory, oh Aries. Perhaps you could benefit from sharing a toast with somebody deserving. Throwing destructive Scorpio some scraps under the table could gain you a loyal pawn to fit to your designs and spare you the lowly task of wiping their guts from your grieves after squishing them like the bug they are, dare they cross you.

 

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus, though you believe now is the time to make your move you must look at the board in its entirety. Striking prematurely will only expose your mouth-watering flanks. Look into your enemies eyes and allow them the first mistake, then let loose the herd. Only then shall their shinies be yours.

 

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Where knowledge is power for all, misinformation is king and crowned only by you, Gemini. As the fools scurry about preparing for conflict, should you too make haste in fanning the flames of distrust? Going to bed with all sides until the dust settles is not only the key to your survival, it’s also the only way to enjoy yourself in this tavern of life. Every man dreams of twins, and you shall give them all what they want and deserve, both of your faces and a knife in their back.

 

Cancer (June 22-July22)

Cancer, intuition tells you that the love you seek cannot exist until this madness subsides. However, your answer to this equation will never be heard until you learn to show your work, slow down and stop with the madness that is your own. Casting your talents aside to rant of evil at all hours is raising questions on your sanity, keeping everyone up at night and putting a juicy target on your back.

 

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

How quick your friends are to change flags when another buys their drinks, Leo. In toppling arrogant Ares two can play that game. Spend coin on Cancer’s laments and you will learn that true leadership lies in consoling your fellows. If you manage to quell your pride the gracious moonchild will gift you in prophecy, and the key to hanging your crown on your head, and a set of horns above the mantle.

 

Virgo (Aug.23-Sept.22)

Virgo, your many virtues going to waste you are more a tragedy than even your brilliance will allow you to comprehend. Believing the free steins you been receiving all night are paid for by kindness, your noble spirit is only trumped by your disgust in Gemini’s ethics. Failing to see where your value really lays; unless you too hike up the skirt, grab the goatskin and start whispering in ears you will find yourself with your back on the dirty hardwood, staring into the hungry eyes of a dominant fire sign and no one to hear your muffled sobs for help.

 

Libra (Sept.23-Oct.22)

You have made all the right moves, you have secretly pulled the strings for those around you, and you have profited the most with minimal effort. So why is it, Libra that you feel that hole in you growing deeper as you raise your stein to toast those you care not for? Could that just be it? Have you compromised your true romantic heart for a better position in your peers’ eyes, only to find yourself dining amongst thieves? You take a drink but still cannot wash the bad taste from your mouth. It’s your move, but then again, hasn’t it always been? Better not lose your focus, lest you get trampled under hoof.

 

Scorpio (Oct.23-Nov.21)

Scorpio, you need no fool to announce you. You are where you are in life strictly by your own merit and that is just a fact everyone else is going have to learn, the hard way preferably. Where emotional Cancer squanders their foresight in lunacy, Pluto helps you adapt while Mars reaffirms your position. You are never caught off balance as you roll with the punches and take the fight to your foes and your allies should they forget their place beneath you.

 

Sagittarius (Nov.22-Dec.21)

With so many easy targets, Sagittarius you may want to apply your dead eye to more challenging game.   Though you are naturally pulled toward Libra your deep passion to be free may leave you not desiring to be tied down just yet. The need to frolic with a less experienced partner will set your sights preying on Virgo’s innocence. Though the mental struggle ensues from the greeting, eventually all lay beneath your charms. The drinks aren’t offering any sanctuary either. Bull’s eye, and you didn’t even break a sweat. You must leave something for the after party.

 

Capricorn (Dec.22 -Jan.19)

Capricorn, your self-obsession and constant lack of approval for the accomplishments of others have left you grazing in a field all your own. You believe this to be due to your superior work ethic and that is exactly what deceitful Gemini would have you believe. When you nurse others to strength you cannot help but remind them how lost they would be without you. You fail to see the milk has soured until you change this, you will continually expect a parade that will never come.

 

Aquarius (Jan. 20 -Feb.18)

Unaware that the future lies in that beautiful, rabid fire mind of yours, Aquarius, you’re an enigma even unto yourself. Your bottomless chalice in hand, you sit quietly paving the way for the less fortunate as they destroy themselves and each other with their selfish desires.

 

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

Pisces, although a raving lunatic may not be anybody’s slice of pie when searching for a mate, you can’t necessarily say you have been the most well behaved former lover yourself, can you? Use your combined gifts of premonition to stay one step ahead of the predatory ambitions of others and find what keeps the other happy. This scene was dead a long time ago, but of course you knew that didn’t you?

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By SHANA ROSE

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You’ve planned your Spring Break since last year’s shenanigans. That included saving up every dime and constantly checking Groupon deals. You are now ready to rage.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You’ve been avoiding your responsibilities with constant partying and compulsive spending. Ever heard of meditation or yoga?

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

We get it, you’re full of yourself, but we still love you. We’ll take your #OOTD picture for the Gram, and like it too.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

You’ve been cooped up in the house with video games, Facebook and Netflix. It’s time to break up with your buddies for Spring Break! Make some new friends, who are actual people.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

You’ve decided to spend your break at home, relaxing. No work, classes or homework? Sounds like a vacation to me.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You’re dealing with a drastic change in your life. It could be a breakup or getting fired, but you still need to look on the bright side, literally. It’s Spring Break, go get some sun.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Congrats on the new job, new car or any new responsibilities you’ve taken on. Virgo, this is the perfect time to bust out your victory dance moves.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Your scale needs some calibration. You’ve been doing overtime at the gym, but you can’t keep rewarding yourself with pizza right after each workout.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You’ve never thought of yourself as the “working” type. You don’t want none, unless they’ve got funds, hon. But the next person who tries to change that, your anaconda should reconsider.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You’re holding grudges and you need to let it go. Some people won’t like you and everything you stand for, and that’s OK. You’re all you need, “wolves don’t lose sleep over the opinion of sheep.”

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Can you remember the last time you treated yourself? A shopping spree, cheat-day meals worthy of the gods or just time to yourself is all in your future.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Life is passing you by. Friends are earning their degrees and getting married. Before you know it, you’ll still be at your minimum wage job and going home to your 10 cats.

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By TANISHA KNUTZEN

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

This will be your best birthday ever, Pisces, and should bring you the best year yet. Embrace it.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Aries, you need a vacation. Get your fancy MacBook out and book a flight to anywhere. Just make sure wherever you’re going has yummy drinks and a sun that never quits shining.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

I get the sense, Taurus, that you’ve had a rough start to your year. So just in case somebody hasn’t already told you, you’re awesome. Whatever happens, keep that smile shining.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Gemini, you’re so well rounded. If you ever find yourself having a bad day, just be happy you’re not a square.

Cancer (June 21- July 22)

Cancer, if life throws anything your way, I have a feeling it will only be good things, like puppies in pajamas and gallons of ice cream. Odd combo, yes, but still fantastic.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

You’ve always been adventurous, what happened? Get out there, Leo. Let the mountains hear your roar, the road see your foot prints and the world feel your presence.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

You’ve been working so hard, Virgo. It’s time you put your feet up and put the weight of the world down. Go grab yourself an extra-large pizza and a pint of your favorite ice cream, then turn on some Netflix.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

I just looked into my crystal ball and it said good things are coming your way. Not just any kind of good thing, either. It will be something that combines these words: fantastic, glorious and perfect.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Don’t be so hard on yourself, Scorpio. If life was meant to be taken so seriously, there would be a final exam. That’s not the case, so learn to relax a bit more.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec.21)

Pay more attention to the little things in life, Sagittarius. You’re missing out on a whole lot of beauty. Life isn’t a race don’t rush so much.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan.19)

Oh Capricorn, it’s really OK if you don’t have everything in your life perfectly together and planned out. I guarantee nobody around you does either.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Get your cute butt outside, Aquarius, and enjoy the beautiful sunshine that’s always calling your name.

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By ALFRED DICOCHEA III

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Someone will be doing dinner for one on Valentine’s Day. Look on the bright side: It will be cheaper. You can still do the two-for-20 deal, it will just be a two-for-20 for one.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)
Look, the only chocolate you’ll be getting is the box you buy for yourself on the day after Valentine’s Day. That’s not a bad thing — 50 percent off candy will make you feel better.

Aries
(March 21-April 19)
You and your mom can go out on Feb. 14. It wouldn’t be the first time, I bet. You pretty much took her to prom as well, didn’t you?

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Just like the Dez Bryant controversy in Green Bay, you’re not a catch. And just like Cowboys fans, you’re probably crying about that.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
The gem in Gemini doesn’t refer to you. Gems are pretty to look at, and unfortunately you aren’t. You are more of rock, and pretty dull.

Cancer (June 21- July 22)
Seriously? Look at your zodiac sign name and use that for a way to describe your love life. That’s if you can read it. You’re one IQ point away from being considered a sheep.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)
You’ll definitely be more kitten than lion this Valentine’s Day. The only roar you’ll make is from behind your computer screen. I bet you still have MySpace. That’s  kind of sad, dude

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)
Roses are red, violets are blue, guess what, no one likes you. Well, maybe your mom but last time I mentioned you she changed subjects.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Check to see if Farmersonly.com has some discounts this week. That, or ask some Cancers out. They might be goofy enough to say yes. Another thing you might like is that Cancer is considered a sheep.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You’re a paper bag away from being passable. Look to see if your local supermarket can supply you one. That’s if they let you in. I would suggest you send a friend to get the bag, but we both know your friend count is zero.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
I find it funny that someone like you gets a date, even if is just a cutout of someone else. But then again, it is more action than your are getting.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You’re the only one in this bunchthat I would take out for Valentine’s Day. Just letting you know, that’s nothing to brag about. Have you seen what I said about the rest? P.S., you’re a solid four.

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