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Horoscope

Horoscope

BY BETO HOYOS

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You’re in need of some spiritual and celestial healing. Don’t let the pressures of society mask the real person. When your being is tired, exercise your soul.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
The best things that can happen to you will happen if you lower your expectations. Sometimes you just need to be realistic. Still, you’re an awesome person.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Don’t let the expectations you’ve set for yourself fall and crumple like the leaves in autumn. Just chill out and take a breather now and then. Besides, cooler weather should help with your hot headedness.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
It’s important for you to play your position and know your role. If you have teams, then represent your team, but if you happen to be a free agent, represent yourself. No shame in that.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You can’t search the depths of others without first searching the depths of yourself. Look up to the stars for guidance. It’s difficult to open the door to the future without the proper cosmic key.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
College life is kind of like a cross-country meet. Everybody runs the same course, everyone goes through similar obstacles and similar pain, but we’re all running to a finish line. Some just finish faster than others.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Find the whimsical nature that was once synonymous with you, but don’t go all Willy Wonka on us. Simply try to find enjoyment in everyday situations. Don’t be so grumpy all the time!

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
If you don’t believe in yourself, nobody else ever will. Be the hero you want others to see you as. It’s not science fiction, it’s science faction.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. It leads to nothing but wetness and ruined clothes. Dreams on the other hand, those you should chase. Always remember: Don’t follow your dreams, chase them!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You’re the captain of your own voyage. Your faith will return just as surely as the sun will rise. It seems like a long shot, I know, but it’ll work out.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
If you feel that nobody in the world understands you, then maybe it’s time to change your world. We can’t change our world unless we change ourselves.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
A wise man once said that everything happens for a reason. Take solace in these words. As the seasons transition into sweater weather, be a warm heart for those lost in the cold.

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Horoscope: Find a new hobby, Gemini.

Horoscope: Find a new hobby, Gemini.

By JAMIE MAESE

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You’ll be very indecisive these next few weeks, Libra. You should probably stop stressing about your Halloween costume or what party you will attend.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

This next month will bring you plenty of wealth, Scorpio. That’s because the only thing you will be spending your money on is Halloween candy.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You may have been feeling sad lately, Sagittarius, but cheer up. Your birthday and Christmas are so close together that you may get double the gifts if you are lucky. Or it could be completely opposite and that would suck.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

I can tell you will be feeling loving these next few weeks. That’s great. Maybe you should be like that more often, Capricorn.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Don’t work yourself up about love or finding someone, Aquarius. They will come to you. If they don’t, make yourself feel better by eating Halloween candy.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You have a hard time trusting people, Pisces. You should let your guard down. Maybe then you will have some friends for once.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Stop complaining about everything you dislike. Quite frankly, Aries, no one you are venting to cares. They’re just nodding their head to act like they do.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Learn how to manage your money, Taurus. Stop spending every paycheck at a restaurant. Yes, places that have value menus are considered restaurants too.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Find a new hobby, Gemini. The one you have now makes you so boring. Let me tell you, no one likes a boring person.

Cancer (June 21- July 22)

Start focusing more on your school work and less on yourself, Cancer. You would be surprised what you could learn if you thought about someone other than yourself for once.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Stop being so uptight, Leo. Learn to loosen up. You might actually have fun for once instead of always following the rules.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Don’t be so down, Virgo. I know your birthday just passed but it’ll be back in another year.

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Horoscope: No one cares, Aries

Horoscope: No one cares, Aries

By ZACK LEDESMA

Libra

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Happy birthday, Libra. I can’t tell you if you’ll make it to the next one. Oh wait, yes I can. I’m psychic. Don’t count on it.

Scorpio

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You recently picked up a new obsession. Everyone is glad you got over your previous obsession, but now this new obsession gets on their nerves. It’s a vicious cycle that you will take no action to prevent.

Sagittarius

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Stop being bore to the core and be someone to adore or abhor. Anything that won’t make people snore.

Capricorn

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You’re all right with the world, Capricorn. Unless you’re not. Nothing is absolute. Everything can happen.

Aquarius

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Everyone knows what you’re going to do and everyone agrees you shouldn’t. Please, for the love of dogs. Don’t do it.

Pisces

(Feb. 19-March 20)

You half-ass everything, Pisces. Just like the universe half-cares what happens in your future.

Aries

(March 21-April 19)

People often respond to you with disinterest. Just because it is about you does not make it interesting.

Taurus

(April 20-May 20)

You’ve been sitting around in your underwear for too long. Do something, even if it’s just putting on pants. Then celebrate your accomplishments by sleeping.

Gemini

(May 21-June 21)

Sushi or Mexican? What you eat today has little to do with your certain death. Unless you die of a horrendous case of food poisoning.  Then neither would be the answer.

Cancer

(June 22-July 22)

You often find yourself thinking other people are talking bad about you behind your back. They’re not. Nobody cares enough.

Leo

(July 23-Aug. 22)

You’ve been searching hard for the meaning of life. Try looking somewhere other than your mirror.

Virgo

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Your skepticism is unwarranted. Expect an unfriendly visit from extraterrestrial life forms. If you deny it happened, it’s only because you don’t remember.

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Horoscope

Horoscope

By ADRIANNA BARRIENTEZ

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

You will soon get out of a situation that you definitely were not put into. But you might want to get your boxing gloves ready because it’s going to be a tough one.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

There’s a dream you’re trying to reach but it seems too unreal. Stop making things so difficult and grab that ladder in your garage. Climb it and go get it!

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Seems that you have lost sight of your original goal but it’s meant to be that way. That doesn’t mean you gave up. It’s obviously an outdated goal that didn’t want you anymore.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)

A new start in a relationship is on the way. You are handed a chance for something new every day you wake up. Don’t be surprised when that new someone knocks on your door. You’re not asleep, so you better answer it.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)

The money you’ll soon encounter may bring problems. Maybe you’re the lucky one this time. But like Biggie Smalls said, “It’s like the more money we come across the more problems we see.”

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

New opportunities are soon to come but you must learn to let them stir around you. If you do that, you may look at things differently. That will help you know what to do. Here’s a tip: Paint a picture. It might help you see things in another perspective.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

You’re putting way too much effort into a relationship with someone who isn’t giving anything in return. If he/she hasn’t put a ring on it and you’re making him/her sandwiches every night, then it’s time for you to leave.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Difficult situations are bothering you extremely right now and you think you know what’s wrong. The best thing is to talk to someone you trust for worthy advice or guidance. You aren’t a super hero, so stop trying to do it alone and find that sidekick.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Pay attention to the little things. You’re too busy worrying about the big details when you might be missing the small ones that turn into big problems. Unless you don’t care about dealing with problems, math isn’t everyone’s favorite but it might be yours.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

A certain thought or fear is driving you crazy! You can’t seem to let go of this but you’re stronger than you think. You’re a warrior, so grab your sword and fight back.

Cancer (June 21- July 22)

It is time to start enjoying yourself and acting carefree. You deserve to do nice things for yourself and not for everyone who screams “give me.” Hit the club, go to Vegas. Like the young kids say, “Turn down for what”?

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

Something big is coming your way that can change everything for the best. It might be something meaningful that you have been hoping for. You’re adding another star to your sky, so make room for this one.

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Horoscope

Horoscope

By ALEX FRUECHTENICHT

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

After a long hardship, the light at the end of the tunnel is just within reach. Be ready to celebrate after all your hard work, because it’s going to pay off.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Love and loss are hand in hand for you these dark days. Surround yourself with your loved ones and friends.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Do not surround yourself with anger. Anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering. Do not fear the darkness, but do not embrace it either.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)

Expect great things in your workplace. Your superiors will soon realize how valuable a team member you are, and it’s about time.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)

Beware of those trying to keep you down. They have gained a new advantage, so be prepared for the worst. On the other hand, financial success is headed your way.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

A change in scenery is calling your name. Pick up the phone, because it’s long distance. The journey will be long, but fruitful indeed.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

Old friends will reach out their hands, emerging from the past to ask you back into their lives. Transportation methods will present trouble for you soon.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Things are heating up with a new love in your life. Be prepared to try new things with this person. Don’t let academics drop because of your new love: keep studying. Talk with your partner about your problems if they arise.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Seek an adventure. Your body is telling you that things are getting dull in your current routine. Throw cost to the wind and take a vacation that will actually give you some real rest and relaxation.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Remember the good times you had when you were a child? Those times are coming back soon. Enjoy the time with your loved ones and stop worrying so much about things that don’t matter.

Cancer (June 22- July 22)

Your significant other has shown you a lot of love lately. Return the favor in a big way. Be prepared for a raise soon but understand you have to work for it, since nothing is free.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

Ready yourself for rough roads ahead. You will make it through, but make sure you don’t lose what makes you unique. When the storm passes, you will come out a stronger person for it.

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Horoscope

Horoscope

By JOSE SANTIAGO III

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’re sexy and you know it! With temperatures rising, it is time for you to break out the summer gear and start getting your tan on. You’re a killer in that bathing suit.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Minds may be cluttered at this time during the semester with finals and all. You could find it rewarding to step back and take a chill pill for a day or two. Your finals aren’t going anywhere.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
There’s lots of partying in your near future. Now, Drake did say “YOLO,” but Drake also said, “Live for today, plan for tomorrow, party tonight.” So have fun but plan for tomorrow and make sure you get home safe.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You may have been feeling a little down lately. Sorry to break it to you, but it is time to stop the pity party. Go out and make today one to remember.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Music can soothe the soul. But I swear if you play the song “Happy” by Pharrell Williams one more time, I’m going to have a stroke. Try broadening your music horizons and see if you can’t find something else.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Video games, Netflix and TV are all awesome but they are taking you away from the things you need to get done. Turn off the Xbox, hit the books and enjoy everything in moderation.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Patience is something you lack, my friend. Next time you are annoyed because you picked the wrong line at the grocery store, try some serenity and understanding. A good attitude can change the way you feel about your day.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
No one has swag quite like yours. Don’t let anyone tell you who to be or how to act. Stay true to yourself and live your own life. Silence the haters.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your wallet has been dieting, hasn’t it? Just because your bank account isn’t as full as it once was, pay it no mind. Try to have fun without spending your life savings and you’ll be just fine.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Love is in the air. I advise an open mind and an open heart, because that cutie you put in the friend zone might just be the one.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Why not try something new? That routine of yours is getting rather boring and you need a good spice up. Try getting your friends to experience something different together.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Silence is golden. Next time you feel like you absolutely need to put your two cents in, don’t. Nothing will kill your vibe more than arguing with an idiot.

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Horoscope

By BETO HOYOS

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You have always been a person of tremendous dedication. Out of all your close friends and family, you are the one who never gives up. That quality will get you places.

 

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

You have a lot going for you but it’s time to work on your anger issues. Rage can consume you and make you something you’re not. Trust me, you don’t want that.

 

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

As the seasons transition into warm weather and sunshine, so must you transition into a time of a warm heart. Let your compassion shine like the sun.

 

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Don’t forget that you don’t need to spend money to enjoy yourself. The best things in life are free. If you ever feel low, just climb your family tree.

 

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

There will always be people you can count on. Finding them is the hard part. Until you locate them, give your heart to God and keep your face to the rising sun.

 

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

All of your relationships, not just romantic ones, will soon be transformed for the better. You’ve been flying solo for too long, but will find the right co-pilot. Behind every good Libra there’s someone balancing them out.

 

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You can’t expect those more fortunate than you to fix your life in an instant. In order to dream, you must sleep. In order to make dreams come true, first you must live your own life.

 

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You can’t force others to think the way you do. Everyone has different tastes. You can bring out the food but it’s up to everyone else to decide what they want to eat.

 

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Others are preparing to celebrate the resurrection of your good ideas. Good news is on the horizon.

 

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Sometimes you’re too quiet. Your good ideas and wonderful personality are hidden behind your silence. Open up your loud pack and become memorable. That could be a wonderful thing.

 

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Take pride in your talents and abilities. Those things help make you who you are. Self-confidence is the best accessory anyone can wear, and never goes out of style.

 

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You need to start driving through life without a rearview mirror, because all you seem to do is look back. Wouldn’t you rather drive to a new destination than stay parked in the same spot? Well, you are your own vehicle. Drive on.

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Horoscope

By LOC TRAN

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Your ability to accomplish schoolwork without being a devoted procrastinator has driven you in the right direction, Aries. Keep doing what you’re doing and you shall succeed.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Let me give you a hint, Taurus: he/she is not interested. Move on and stop moping around looking for someone to feel sorry for you.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

It’s no secret how much you love to talk. Do us all a favor and be quiet for once. It’s not as hard as you think. I believe in you Gemini, I do.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Your exceptional personality has gotten you far in life. Keep up the good work and it will take you exactly where you want to go. Don’t let anyone steal your outstanding sparkle, Cancer.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Everything comes easy for you, Leo. You’re one of those people who is annoyingly good at everything, but it’s not a bad thing. Take pride in that natural talent of yours.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You’re wasting time, Virgo, and it’s showing big time. Better start picking up the pace or you’ll soon be drowning in your sorrows.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

No one knows how to accomplish a goal like you do, Libra. That hard work in the gym is really starting to present itself. Here’s to achieving our dream bodies.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Your snarky remarks are starting to really turn others off. Nobody’s perfect and that includes you, Scorpio. Haven’t you heard of treating others the way you want to be treated?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

It seems as though your relationship is on the verge of a break-up, Sagittarius, but trust me, it’s for the best. This is not the time to be upset. In the words of Drake, YOLO.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

To go to the gym, or to stay home? That is not the question, Capricorn. Maybe you should have chosen a different New Year resolution, you slacker.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

It’s people like you who make the world a better place, Aquarius. Your care and effort to always see the positive is inspiring and refreshing to us all.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You feel like giving up, Pisces, but now is not the time. Keep pushing and accomplishment will be here in no time. No one likes a quitter.

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Horoscope

Horoscope

By JENNIFER GRAHAM

Aries (March 21-April 19)

It’s finally spring, but that doesn’t mean you should be working on your tan and upping your tolerance to alcohol. There is nothing attractive about a leather wallet with a beer gut. Try dropping the bottle in exchange for an oh-so-trendy juice cleanse.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

I understand kitty whiskers is your BFF, but if I see one more cat-selfie I’m going to snap my laptop in half. If you die, he will eat you. Humans, in most cases, will not.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Remember that random person you made out with last weekend? Not impressive in daylight. Try to make good life choices. Fireball shots are not one of them.

Cancer (June 22- July 22)

Your friends never want to hang out anymore? You have two options; make new friends, or stop being a bitch. The choice is yours.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

Those people making rude comments about your disgusting public displays of affection are not “just jealous.” Like the rest of us, they have no interest in watching you go cannibal on someone’s face. Next time, excuse yourselves before eating.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

You are not fooling anyone. As hard as you try to stay classy, it always ends up trashy. Stop drinking out of tumblers and buy yourself a set of real wine glasses. At least that way, you can play the part proper.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

I see you have your life together. Is that why you constantly need validation via social networking? The quality of your achievements is not determined by the number of likes they receive.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

So you think you’re smart enough to pull off that awesome April Fool’s prank? Try focusing more on your studies, unless you want to take that 101 class for the third time

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)

You have a seriously unhealthy relationship with your electronics. That is why you’re single.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)

Nothing is more fun than a night out with friends. The same cannot be said about ejecting your dinner onto that cutie’s shoes. Pace yourself, and not just when you’re drinking.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Breakups suck. What sucks even more is moping around, “Bella Swan”-style, waiting for a sparkly vampire to save the day. It’s not going to happen. Neither will anything else if you don’t get out of the house.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

It’s finally warm enough to pull out your skimpy swimwear. I recommend you hit the gym before trying to squeeze a size large into a small. Just sayin’.

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Horoscope

By JAY BECKER-NORMAN

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

It’s your time of the month: adventure time! Life is for the living, so live it loud and don’t shy away from uncharted experiences coming your way.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Breathe life into what your heart desires, Aries. Pilot your way to great happiness and don’t let doubt hinder your progress.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

April showers bring May flowers! You’ve cried your last tears, Taurus. Put away the tissues and “The Notebook” and let the sun shine in!

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Spring is coming. Time to clean out those closets and dash out to buy yourself a little happy, Carrie Bradshaw. You’ll be glad you did.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

It hasn’t been easy for you lately but fret not, Cancer dear. A cosmic shift shows positive energy and light coming your way. Just in the nick of time, the tables are turning ‘round. Thank your lucky stars!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

This comes out of complete love from me to you: You’ve had enough. Those holiday pounds aren’t going to shed themselves. “Friends” taught us well: “A moment on the lips, forever on the hips!”

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

“What did you just call me?” Don’t sweat the small stuff, Virgo. We both know you’re above petty squabbling. When in doubt, don’t — unless cake is involved. Then annihilate all in your path.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You have a secret admirer just waiting for you to jump the gun. Your best bet is to go over-the-top and profess your attraction as well. Nothing says “I like you” more than a parade in his or her honor, an island or an iPhone 5S. Heed my words!

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

“Intense” is an understatement to describe you right now, Scorpio. Scale it back, smell the tulips and walk with a bit more sway in your step. Take it from Jamaica and just be easy, mon.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Don’t listen to a single thing Gemini or Pisces have to say. They have the savvy of an acid neutralizing substance: basic. If they read this, plead the fifth and distract them with something shiny

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Biggest rule in fashion: Take off at least one expendable item before leaving the house. So, Capricorn, go home, take off the whole outfit and give it another try. Look up “busted” in the dictionary while you’re at it. XOXO.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You were given a reading last issue, Aquarius. Stop being so needy! I can’t always be bothered to give you life advice and whatnot. I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T. Do you know what that means?

Logo---Horoscope

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HOROSCOPE

HOROSCOPE

By RACHEL WHITE

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

A question unheard will always go unanswered. Stop tiptoeing ‘round the declarations you’re dying to make, or another will voice the vow you’re too coward to take.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Because you’re decisively askew, anxious energies have been overpowering more conclusive views. Release your angst towards physical productivity and unfetter your mind athletically.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Before testing new waters, be sure to survey all possible scenarios into which you may dip. Come the weekend, however, you should feel grounded enough to take a leap. 

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Your energetically scattered personality meets multitasking with ease. When it comes to camaraderie, however, you can’t multitask monogamy.

Cancer (June 22- July 22)

Surprising tidings await. First, though, focus on fulfilling current endeavors. Otherwise, your bets on your future plans will unfold an empty hand.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

Stepping over a mole-hill may be a menial task, but maneuvering ‘round a mountain necessitates finesse. Prideful procrastination has obstructed your view.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

You typically depend upon thorough analysis prior to action. Little room for random reaction leaves little room for honest response. Trust your instincts. 

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Your dreams may be out-growing current relationships. Lingering amid the status quo offers comfort, but if you wish to grow you’ll have to break from the familiar mold.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Your personality is characterized by control, but a healthy dose of humble pie will be key to rolling with the punches romantically. Find a way to bend without breaking, and you can have your cake and eat it too.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)

2013 may have left you spread too thin, romantically. Alas, reflection is a tedious task for your forward-thinking, fire-sign mentality. Rest and regroup before you attempt to renew.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)

Technical difficulties await, as mixed signals leave you socially askew. Don’t let virtual reality get the best of you. Delete the conversational middle-man and address social plights personally.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Creativity is key in problem-solving for the upcoming week. You are an unbiased sign, so will view problematic scenarios from all sides before approaching the issue at-hand.

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HOROSCOPE

HOROSCOPE

By SEBASTIAN BARAJAS

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

This may be your month, Aquarius, if you think you can jump over the hurdles and challenges it may bring. Remember hard work and a just cause yield worthy results. You’re on the track team for a reason.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

Let’s face it, Pisces, you’re accepting and often quick to trust others. Maybe you should consider that next time you wake up in Mexico in a pool of your own saliva and a bottle of Jack.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

OK, your star sign is named after the Greek God of War. Isn’t that cool enough? So what now, you want a horoscope? I won’t give you the pleasure, Aries.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Admittedly, Taurus, your bull is getting hard to deal with. The fellas and I have been talking, and we only deal with it because you’re our D.D.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Your evil twin is coming out more and more this month, Gemini. Kind of makes me wonder when you’ll be coming out. Denial is a hard thing to live with. Apparently your roommates think you are, too.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

There are literally doctors out there to treat people who have you, Cancer. Too easy? Maybe, but you brought this on yourself.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You’re a lion of a person, Leo. You’ll get that thing you wanted because the stars say so, and because you’re reading a horoscope.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Don’t take this too personally but I just like you as a friend. Looks like you’re going to stay a Virgo for a while longer, huh?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Liberated in body and mind, Libra, you don’t mind letting one rip during yoga. After all, at least YOU enjoyed your lunch. Try to eat less hummus this month, dear.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

I’ve read a couple of horoscope articles that say you’re good in bed, Scorpio, but the only thing you’re good at is sleeping in one. For you, 50 Shades of Gray means 50 Shades of Lame.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)

You were tripping over yourself most of last month, Sagittarius. My advice? Start by tying those shoe laces.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)

So congrats on your birthday last month, Capricorn. Now it’s time to realize some goals. Go watch some soccer, like now.

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HOROSCOPE

HOROSCOPE

By BETO HOYOS

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Your love for zombie movies is well known, but you shouldn’t look like a zombie in your classes. Sleep is actually important and can make a difference. Sometimes all it takes is a bite of a sandwich and a moment of silence.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Looks can be deceiving. Investigate the things that intrigue you. Everyone is his or her own transformer. There’s more to them than meets the eye.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

It’s going to be a Valentine’s Day massacre, because you’re going to be killing it with your style this February.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You have always been known as a stable person that even an earthquake couldn’t shake. People look to you for guidance and stability. Everyone wants to eat off your tectonic plates.  

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

You will never have an absence of friends. Your personality attracts different people, but only the ones as rare as you are meant to go the distance. Choose a marathon runner.

 Cancer (June 22-July 22)

You may find yourself a member of the lonely hearts club, but you know you’re not the only one. Try to connect with another lonely heart.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Remember that you can always turn to those who brought you into the world. When it feels like you’re falling through life, you’ll always have a parent-chute to catch you.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You have a tendency to look back more than you look forward. Life is a road filled with twists and turns. You can’t drive through life looking in the rear view mirror all the time.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Someone special has come into your life recently. Continue to make them feel welcomed and special. When good people come into your often-lonely life, you need to make them happy. But first make sure you’re happy being with them.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You’re quick to point out the problems in your life, and quick to point out that no one is there to help. Remember that you are your own problem and your own solution.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You’re smart, funny and attractive. You have so much going for you, except for those New Year’s resolutions you set for yourself. The stars have a resolution for you: be more realistic.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

If seeing couples holding hands makes you sick, it might be because Cupid shot you with a poisonous arrow. He’ll get it right eventually. Just remain patient.

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HOROSCOPE

HOROSCOPE

By RACHEL WHITE

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)

Your inquiring mind may be fond of asking, but other minds aren’t keen on being questioned. Curiosity is indeed the key to creativity — but it also killed the cat.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)

You see asking for assistance as inconveniencing others. You prefer to suffer silently in plain view, hoping that help will find you. An answer cannot be given to a question never asked. The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Contrary to your competitive ideals, first isn’t always best. Make sure to see all facets of an endeavor before acting on a glimmer of hope. The status quo could be a façade.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

Empathy lets you truly understand and connect with others. Others often confide in you, but make sure sympathy doesn’t suffocate your individuality.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Lately you feel lost in the rut of your daily routine. Fact is, life is exciting — you’re the one who is boring. Stopping awaiting excitement and create it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Your drive to succeed can be all consuming. You’ve sown many seeds for success, and the time to harvest your just rewards is near.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Living on a whim can lead to a life of liberation. However, too much freedom leaves too much room for random reactions. Go with the flow for too long, and you’ll forget how to lead. Take some initiative!

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

In the infamous words of Kid Rock, “You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.” Opportunity may be knocking, but it takes a productive fist of fate to turn that doorknob.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Being a hedonistic soul, your restless energy can land you in a slammer of self-destruction. Explore new cultural scenes, rather than indulging in pointless pleasures.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Being the most analytical of individuals, you’re constantly observing — everyone and everything. Cool it with the communal concern and work on attaining personal objectives.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You often turn toward emotional dependencies during the holiday season. However, if you rely on external factors, you’re placing faith in the uncontrolled. Eliminate expectations — you can only be pleasantly surprised.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Being a prideful sign, you tend to grow attached to a train-of-thought. Circumstances have evolved and your plans need revising. Don’t be too proud to ditch an old mindset or you’ll find your plans in the gutter.

 

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HOROSCOPE

HOROSCOPE

By BETO HOYOS

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You take life too seriously. Sure, bad things happen but find ways to cope. Some unexpected leisure time will bring you happiness and joy.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Behind every great woman there’s a great man, and behind every great man there’s a woman rolling her eyes. People aren’t meant to be understood, they are meant to be loved.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Hard work prevails for those who are patient enough to wait for the rewards. Don’t become overwhelmed. Remember: When you’re not working on becoming better, someone else out there is.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Your phases come and go more frequently than cycles of the moon. Stop and think about where you want your life to ultimately be. It’s not about being different, it’s about being you.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

We should never do anything solely for money, but let’s be honest — money helps. If you’ve ever had an urge to go into uncharted territory, otherwise known as the casino, now is the time to do so. After all, money trees are the best place to find shade.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You have a lot more to offer than you think. Know your worth and don’t lower the high expectations you’ve set in the past. Even blind dogs don’t bark up the wrong trees. Neither should you.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Surround yourself with positivity. Do not fear the unknown, for the unknown can bring forth the most memorable moments. The phoenix that is unafraid of fire will never burn.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

You take for granted the small details that make life so worth living. Plant some seeds that you know will blossom into something beautiful. Life’s a garden, dig it.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You’ve become a little upset with the direction your life is going. Remember, you’re the captain of your own boat. Your faith will return just as surely as the sun will rise.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept.22)

OK, you’ve indulged yourself enough. You have got two helping hands at the end of your arms. Use one hand to help yourself and use the other to help people in need. Once that is done, give yourself a round of applause.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Time will keep passing us by and life will show no mercy. Stop dwelling on what you once had and focus on getting what you want now. We all change and life takes us through different obstacles.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You’ve recently discovered that you have a culinary talent. Use this to ability to create new relationships. Your food nourishes the mind as well as the heart. Don’t waste your gifts.

 

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