All Entries in the "Horoscope" Category

Horoscope

By DIEGO LOZANO III

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Maybe you were better off dropping that math class weeks ago, Taurus. Get a job and pray for a fun summer. There’s nothing more I can tell you. Cheer up mate.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Stop over-posing yourself or your face will permanently morph into that duck you’re imitating in your profile picture. Your ideal soulmate is probably Instagram. Filter that.

Cancer (June 22- July 22)

You know damn well you can’t pass finals if you don’t party the weekend before, right? Left, make sure you bring sunglasses to class so your instructor can’t tell how messed up you are.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

Honestly, there’s nothing sexy about a lion or the leggings that seem to be severely eaten by your backside. Change your wardrobe and perhaps purchase a handbook on good hygiene.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But you procrastinate more than a Dutch woman. Have you even thought about finals yet? Do you even go here?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Relax, it’s only finals. You’re shaking more than a 13-year-old boy who got caught watching his dad’s porn. I hope this was enough to make you smile, but you probably shouldn’t. Your grin makes you look like a creep.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Here, here my little scorpion friend. Don’t cry if your next post doesn’t receive as many likes as you’re anticipating. No one cares about your fitness sessions. Open a book, stop partying and get to studying.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)

Be amazed that something exciting will happen at work or school this week. Friday could be Hawaiian shirt day. If not, you should suggest it. If they don’t comply, just don’t show up naked or Roy Flores will hunt you down.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)

No one likes a ratchet or dumb ass. If I were you, I’d worry about hitting the books and passing a class or two, not your friend’s bag of marijuana. On second thought, Michael Phelps doesn’t have 20 gold medals for no reason.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Well-done Aquarius. After two semesters, you might actually have an idea of what the hell you’re gonna do in life. Either that, or you just come to class to sit in the back and visually violate your peers.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

If life was really like a box of chocolates, you’d be out of the box and your brain would hold an IQ equivalent to a Milk Dud. Fortunately, you’re not a chocolate and life has made you its bitch.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Do you really want to eat those McNuggets and that Big Mac? You are what you eat. Ten years from now you’ll be working for McDonald’s, taking my order. Drop that obesity burger and think twice.

Horoscope

By COLE POTWARDOWSKI

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You ram through college acing exams. But according to the Higher Learning Commission, your credits resemble dry Raisin Bran. Go buy yourself a Dodge Ram.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You’re probably reading this because your sign is the Taurus and you’re anxious to read something cool about yourself. Sorry. It’s all bullshit.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Thing 1 and Thing 2, Tweedledee and Tweedledum. You have two sides. You think because you have a twin you’re special and everybody does double-takes when they look at you. Just remember: When you’re in trouble, the twin did it.

Cancer (June 22- July 22)

Don’t be crabby that you’re working overtime this summer or crawling through a summer course at Pima. You’re a crab for life. On the night before your birth, your mother ate at Red Lobster.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

You’re ready for summer! The adventurous outdoors, mountain hiking and beach surfing awaits! Too bad in Tucson you take one step outside and burst into flames.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

Hey, Virgo. You wear enough tattoos and body piercings to be an art exhibit. But the truth is you’re still a virgin, no matter how many cherries you pop.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Stop what you’re doing! Put down whatever it is, go outside and eat at Panda Express. You’ll find better horoscopes in a fortune cookie.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

When life gives you lemons, start a lemonade stand. The nickels and pennies you earn might just be enough to pay for a semester at Pima.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)

Something wicked this way comes! A unit exam! But no worries. After you ace it, you’ll run out the door in ecstasy and kiss the first person you see — be it man, woman or beast.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)

Help save the planet, Capricorn! If someone litters, pick up their garbage and put it in the nearest trash receptacle. If you do this enough, someone will pay you in peanuts and think you’re an elephant.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You’re a water bearer Aquarius, so congratulations on holding your bladder. The only water you ever broke was your mom’s. Happy birthday to you.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

According to Neptune, something in this universe smells fishy and it’s probably you. Change your shampoo.

HOROSCOPE

Horoscope

By CELESTE ORENDAIN

Aries (March 21-April 19)

I really like the fact that you’re always wearing a smile. It makes you look amazing. Never change, because your personality will take you great places.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You don’t have to spend three hours searching for the right outfit. You look gorgeous with anything you put on. Just a little reminder: Always keep your eyes looking to the front.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Stop being so nice! I really enjoy the things you do for everyone in your life, but now is the time to focus on yourself. Try going on an adventure, one that will allow you to follow your dreams.

Cancer (June 22- July 22)

Love is closer than you think, and happiness is in your near future. Be prepared for a big change in your life, and be aware that you have much more to offer than you know.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

Try having some patience. You could discover a whole new world if you took time to see the beautiful things that we all have. The best thing is that they are all free. Enjoy your day and be happy.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

Do not cling to the past and the things that cause you suffering. All you need to do is let those who love and appreciate you into your life. Just accept what they have to give.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You are the one who always cares for others. No matter how badly your day is going, you’re always ready to help others. I’m not saying that it is terrible, but you need to take some time for yourself. You deserve it.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

I know you’re going through hard times. No one said life will be easy. Always wear a smile: It will brighten your day and the day of those around you. Positive things await. Just be patient.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)

Someone doesn’t want to make the same mistake with you again. Don’t lose this great person. You know that you can forgive and start from zero. Give yourself a new chance to believe.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)

You are a cube of sugar, Capricorn. If I stay close to you, I might become diabetic. With you, I’ll take the risk.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Today I feel like being honest with you, Aquarius. You need to change your routine. I see you every morning and it makes me think of you all day; you are just so irresistible. But for some reason, you just don’t seem to care that I’m there.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

No matter what you do, Pisces, I’m always glad to have you as a friend. You are one in a million. Please don’t forget that you promised to take me out for dinner. By the way, did I mention that I want to go to Acacia restaurant?

Horoscope

By PALOMA MELLO  

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Happy birthday! Be sure to wear your best outfit and eat at least five cupcakes. Don’t worry, my dear, you are not going to get fat. Don’t be too harsh on yourself, look at your amazing body! Be prepared for the new love that is coming up.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Oh dear Taurus, why do you have to be so huggable? And have such a pretty smile? And feet? And what about your hairline? So cute! Oh my… Don’t feel suffocated with all those people liking you. I understand them.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

You’re lucky, Gemini. Are you already preparing your big bash? You should, to celebrate how amazing you are going to do on your finals! Don’t forget to invite your beautiful best friend to the celebration. I see a good gift coming up.

Cancer (June 22- July 22)

I see a good road trip coming up, but be careful with your tires. And drive safe! I’m sure your family will be baking good stuff to welcome you back. There’s a good chocolate croissant in your future.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

Leo, do you see what I see? Your number of friends is multiplying every year! I love your good sense of humor. You are so fun to be around! Just stop being silly when you are flirting, it’s kind of way too attractive.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

I know you know that I’m kind of obsessed with you. It’s OK though. I’m sure that the problem is me, not you. I love you. Oops, I just spit it out, sorry. You are lovable. I’m sure your mom tells you all the time.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Where did you get your shoes? Good choice! Hey, do you remember that new person you met the other day, whose name starts with the letter O? I see something with potential on that. Be nice, as always!

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Hey, don’t bite me! I’m just here to help you. I like your shirt, by the way. Oh, I have an idea for you. Make a shirt or hat saying “Free Hugs” and stand at the main entrance of PCC West Campus. Yay!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)

Remember charity when you win the lottery in the next couple of days, OK? Don’t get too snobby or anything like that. You are a nice person already. Don’t change with all the money. Just follow your heart.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)

Wow, I love your intelligence. You are smart and you know it. Don’t be afraid to try all the new ideas you are having. I see success coming up in the next couple of days, and a new pet. Be sure to feed him and look at the stars. Stars are always good.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Hi amazing one, keep working hard on your projects. They will be so successful. By the way, what happened to you today? You look fabulous! I loved your hair! I see a lot of candy for you this month.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

Don’t be sad! I know you are missing your birthday already, but don’t cry. There is always next year, my dear. Start to think about something else … like Easter! Think about the cute, fluffy little rabbits that you are going to see … and receive!

Horoscope

By ARLO COSTALES

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)
Of the three water signs, Pisces is the only one lacking a shell. Fish must face life raw. Minimize your intake of negativity by surrounding yourself with positive people.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries will do anything to stand out. Don’t take it too far. Learn from the mistakes of a famous Arian, Lady Gaga. After awhile, you stop becoming mysterious and start looking like an idiot.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Watch yourself, Taurus. You’re known for your endless search for peace, but that bull’s stubbornness can bring much tension. Make sure the person you are defending yourself against doesn’t have bigger horns than you.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Only Gemini know what it’s like to have a naturally split personality. To others, you may just seem weird. Learn to stand behind your weird personality rather than care what people think.

Cancer (June 22- July 22)
Moodiness isn’t attractive. You can only bring the crab-side of yourself to parties for so long before you stop getting invited. Learn to be happy.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)
Take the pros of your personality and use them to kill some of the self-centeredness associated with your sign. Use your bubbly personality to make somebody’s day.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)
Every Virgo has big dreams of serving others. You sometimes have a tendency to push your causes on other people. Metaphorically speaking, keep your badge at work. Not everyone will be interested in the same things as you, and that’s OK.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
The sign of Justice. Pick your battles wisely, Libra. There are gray areas in life that don’t need your rent-a-cop personality.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Looks like your life is about to calm down, Scorpio. Maybe you should take this time to get over one of the grudges your sign is famous for holding. Seriously, let it go already.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)
Sign of the Prophet. No other sign can stand behind faith like Sagittarius. Just make sure that you aren’t spending your days shoving whatever it is you have faith in down someone else’s throat.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)
Some astrologists view Saturn as the planet of depression. Unfortunately, Saturn rules Capricorn, and you can be quite the pessimist. My suggestion: Spend your days trying to spread the cheer. Life is too short, so smile!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
If there was a revolution, Aquarians would lead the battle for freedom. Why? Aquarius is the sign of rebellion and independence. Find a cause that can use you.

Horoscope Feb. 7-20

By BARRY JED RICHARDSON JR.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Fluidity is your thing, ever changing and never stagnant. Be yourself and before you know it, you’ll be making waves on a full moon and a starry night.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)
Your sign is a fish; fish are fishy! People either like you or they don’t. Lucky for you, there are no in-betweens. Just keep swimming.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Yikes, change it up this Valentine’s Day. No more roses and chocolates. Instead, try asphodels and licorice.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Huff and puff all you want, you raging bull! Don’t let your horns get the best of you; you’ll only poke yourself. When it comes to relationships, it’s best to compromise.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Careful with your dual nature, hot or cold? As if! Love knows no duality. Gemini, be nice! Seriously yo, what gives?

Cancer (June 22- July 22)
Just ‘cause your sign is a crab doesn’t mean you have to act like one! People like crabs when they’re steamed and accompanied by warm butter. It’s totally time for a makeover!

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)
The positioning of Pluto this month will make for plenty of bad hair days. Since you’re a lion, your hair will be your “mane” struggle. Just add some product, and work it. Before you know it, you will be making little lion kings!

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)
Virgo, Virgo, Virgo, what can I say? Nothing, actually. Sorry, but I just don’t see into the future like I used to. My horoscope told me not to be so presumptuous, so I’ll start with you.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
It’s safe to say that you’re the most balanced of all the signs. Just keep doing your thing, weighing the pros and the cons.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Watch the stinger and monitor the amount of poison you inject. Thoughtless stinging can be a turn-off, so keep it hush-hush.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)
Jim Morrison was a Sagittarius. Make like the song and light a fire. There’s a difference between a flame and an explosion, so be careful not to get too toasted.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)
Refrain from the pick-up lines and bling, just be yourself. It is better to be rejected for who you are than to be loved for who you aren’t. OK?

Horoscope

By CELESTE ORENDAIN

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

If you could only imagine what you cause me every time you talk, Aquarius. In case you don’t know, I’m going to tell you: sickness. That’s why you need to brush your teeth at least twice a day.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Telling you what is wrong with you will take me hours, Pisces, because I have to figure out where to start. There are many things that pop up just looking at you.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You don’t have to be so mean, Aries. There are so many things that you could do to be nicer. Who knows, you could meet great people around you. Just be helpful with the ones who need a little something.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Crying over me is not getting you anywhere except to the store to buy me a new shirt, Taurus. There is no reason for you to act like you’re about to draw your last breath.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

It is obvious that you’ve been lying the whole time, Gemini. Now take a minute to figure out what you will do to let others know that you’re willing to change.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Cancer, having a conversation with you is like talking to a wall. And believe me, that is harder than you think. Next time, just text me if you need to talk.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Don’t even think about calling me in the middle of the night, Leo. In case you don’t know, I do have a life and I really value my time. Time is one of the most precious things that I have. You should take some advice and do something productive.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept.22)

I’m tired of your dumb excuses, Virgo. It’s time for a change. Forget about last year’s excuses and start with something more believable.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

I know, Libra – you’re very sensitive. I understand about all the drama that got you to this point. But even beautiful flowers wilt and dry up if you don’t tend to them. Try taking care of you.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Believing in magic is not your thing, Scorpio. It is time to grow up a bit and start to believe in reality. Out there in the real world, are things that are hard but cost a lot of time and patience.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

It is nice having you but it will be nicer to not have you all the time. Burning toasted bread isn’t as fun as leaving me without breakfast.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Stop acting as if you know everything; that makes you sound boring. Nerds don’t go around giving an hourly explanation about how they take notes.

The last horoscope

Transcribed by THOMAS F. JOHNSON

In a lonely alley, written on human flesh, inked in inhuman blood by an unknown author, we found a dire warning of things to come. It is a warning we feel we must show the world. With great tremulousness, we give you:

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

First it will get very hot. Then it will get very cold. Then they will come from the sea to devour mankind.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

The plumed serpent with the solar fire looks upon the earth. And he has found us wanting.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Look at the dreams of space and time, with eyes plucked from bloody sockets burning upon coals, and you will see the shape of those that come for us.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

The warnings were there in the stars. Why, oh why, did we not listen?

Aries (March 21-April 19)

THEM are calling. THEM are weeping. THEM are screaming. THEM are wanting. Cry for THEM.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) ThereisnothingwrongthisisjustatestThereisnothingwrongthisisjustatestDonottestthemThereisnothingwrongthisisjustatest.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Beware the twins with a pleasant face, though they say they will save us. They are just another mask.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

We are. We are the cancer that roils upon the earth, and their hungry maws are His hot knife that will cut us all out to save THEM.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Why is the light calling us?! WHY IS THE LIGHT CALLING US?! WE ARE NOT READY WE DID NOT ASK FO-

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

When preparing for a rainy day, don’t forget to bring an umbrella. Especially when that rain is the blood and the teeth and the guts of the dying.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

“While the angels, all pallid and wan/ Uprising, unveiling affirm./ That the play is the tragedy, “Man,”/ And its hero the Conqueror Worm.”- Liegeia, E.A. Poe

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

It is getting … So hot … Getting … so hot … Cannot write much longer … Please tell them … I loved you all ….

Serpentarius (Void/Eternity)

Watch The Seas. Watch the Skies.

Horoscope

By BRUCE HARDT

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You’re always on a high horse, Sagittarius. You tend to be a freedom fighter, launching flaming arrows of vengeance upon totalitarian powers, igniting hope in all who see you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You do the devil’s work with such practical methods of ritual sacrifice, Capricorn. You’re the life of the party when you dress like a Thuggee cult member and chant “Baahh-ram-ewe.”

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You always throw the best pool parties, Aquarius, complete with an indulgent number of kegs. You are the champion of beer pong, using your ability to manipulate water-based substances. Others call it cheating; you call it being the boss.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

You love the ocean and often pretend you’re a fish-human hybrid, Pisces. You call yourself an “Atlantian” and wrestle sharks for fun. Understandably, you’re also an ecoterrorist who pickets oil rigs.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Like gruff warriors of yore, Aries, you are fond of ale. You must be separated from your sword when drinking, lest the party be dampened by the blood of a drunken decapitation.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Those who call you bullheaded are incapable of understanding your mysterious, awesome and sexy ways, Taurus. Ignore your detractors. The world is yours to bullshit.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

You are a fount of conversation, a master of confusing babble. You find yourself caught in a maelstrom of schizophrenia when you talk of who is more beautiful: Gemini or Gemini?

Cancer (June 22- July 22)

You’re the highlight of summer, Cancer. Unfortunately and ironically, you are not welcome at beach parties. Your tendency to pop volleyballs with your pincers puts a damper on the game.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

Loyalty is your strong point, Leo, but you’re also the paragon of indulgence and pride. You often describe “The Lion King” as the cinematic adaptation of your life. The weird thing is, you’re not really a lion.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

You resemble a foul ice queen, Virgo, cruel to your subjects like a vampiric baroness bent on destroying poor villagers. Deep down, though, you’re simply a tiny dancer seeking someone to hold you close.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You tip the scale in favor of madness or genius, Libra. You took the “Alien” concept of flying face-huggers and flew into strangers, forcing grocery eggs down their throats. Weirdest assault charge ever.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You have a fetish for stinging animals and possess assorted venomous critters, including your Zodiac namesake. You also like to pinch.

Horoscope

By CLYNISHA STEVENS

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You are so clingy. Add in that you are jealous, and there’s no need to wonder why you can’t find someone willing to stay in a relationship with you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You walk into a room and expect all eyes to turn on you, but they don’t. Maybe you are not as eye-catching as you think.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

So you think you have everything figured out, huh? Newsflash: You don’t. So how about you take some advice and actually listen this time?

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You are so set in your ways and are not willing to change for anyone. You’d better be careful or you will lose something important.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

You hide your true feelings and try so hard to meet other people’s expectations. That’s probably a good idea. If they saw your real personality, they would not like you so much.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Everyone thinks you have a rude and intolerable attitude, but I say you should keep being you. They will get used to it. If they never do, at least you will end up with the one person who actually gets it – yourself.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

It’s your way or no way. You tend to be very opinionated, and no one wants to listen anymore.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Dealing with two faces is pretty hard. Why don’t you just pick one personality and stick with it?

Cancer (June 22- July 22)

I wish you would stop being so sensitive and taking everything so personally.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

You are a very good actor and like to mess with people’s emotions, but one day the movie will end and you will have to pick someone. There just might not be anyone left to pick from.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

Honestly, you come off as a pompous jerk. Maybe if you thought about other people’s feelings, you would actually get invited out and have some friends.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You are very soft-hearted and are always trying to fix everyone else’s problems. Maybe you should try to fix your own complicated life.

Horoscope

By CELESTE ORENDAIN

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Do something interesting with your boring routine, Scorpio. Find something that is just right for you, if there is anything. You’re not sweet, but you’re not mean. You’re not the best monster fighter, either.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)

Stop trying to be a ghost, Sagittarius. We can all see you and we know it’s been you the whole time. You are so irritating that I need to use allergy medication whenever you’re around.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)

Anyone can tell jokes but you are just extremely lost in this area, Capricorn. Update yourself … now! Get yourself on the right path, too. Start by quitting your bad habits. Not everyone likes you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You can become whatever you dream of being, Aquarius. First, though, quit eating so much sugar. You’re becoming addicted. Besides, superheroes don’t eat that much candy. Start by getting the sugar-free options.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

Big deal, you lost your candy bag. I do feel sorry for you, Pisces, but you’re spending too much time thinking about what happened. Don’t blame yourself for what you don’t have.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Don’t be a crybaby, Aries. Sometimes you have to run away from monsters. And remember, November is around the corner. There are always people who will remind you about how silly you looked the night before.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

I’m tired of all your drama, Taurus. It’s time to be strong and put your feet in the ground. Don’t forget your box of Kleenex, because you might need it. Remember, it’s OK if you cry.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

It’s time to control yourself and show others that you’re in college now, Gemini. Come back to reality and enjoy all the sweets. But leave your little sister’s treats alone. Dress up in a costume, and go get some for yourself.

Cancer (June 22- July 22)

Don’t use a costume for Halloween, Cancer. Your face is scary enough. If you entered it into a contest, you would win. Change your attitude, too. Eating lots of candy won’t make you any sweeter.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

I thought you said that you were not afraid of anything, Leo. Why are you hiding under the table? Relax: They’re only little children doing a traditional thing called trick or trick.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

Why is it taking you so much time to decide which costume to wear for Halloween, Virgo? Just be yourself, and don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. This is your night to show others who you really are.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

If you never go outside on a Halloween night, you’ll never discover what people really think of you, Libra. This is a great opportunity to find out. Maybe you’ll want an image change, however, because you really need it.

Horoscope

By CELESTE ORENDAIN

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Keeping secrets is not your best attribute, Libra. If you’re going to blab, though, use social media. It’s a quick and easy way to reveal dirt.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Come back to reality and take action on what really matters, Scorpio. Stop blaming your problems on zombies, and take responsibility for your mistakes.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Admit it, Sagittarius, you don’t have enough space to store all of your junk. If you don’t use it, why keep it? It’s time for a restyling.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Consider it a freedom of speech issue, Capricorn. It’s good that you have things to say, but nobody has any obligation to listen.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You constantly make wrong choices, Aquarius. Quit using the elevator to go up one floor. Taking the stairs is faster, and it’s good for you.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Time is what you need, Pisces, but do you really know what time is? If something doesn’t make sense, it is time to ask. There are always people who know more than you could possibly imagine.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

If you want to know about something, Aries, find out for yourself. Don’t take other people’s word for it. But be careful. Bring your first aid kit with you, just in case.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

There is no reality to what you see, if you think there is no reality to what you are seeing. Confused? Drink a cup of hot tea to control your nerves.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Most of the time, you don’t understand things, Gemini. When that happens, make up names for those things. That’s how inventors got famous.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Someday, Cancer, everything will disappear. You should save one of every item in the world, to preserve them for future generations. Start with corn.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Do something for nature, Leo. Try planting an apple tree. It takes research, time, patience and lots of care to grow green apples. You don’t want to have peaches instead.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Don’t worry about what others think, Virgo. It is OK that you still use no-tears baby shampoo. We all have a child inside us, and who doesn’t love that sweet smell?

Horoscope

By BRUCE HARDT

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

This is the time of year when the Arizona summer finally goes away and it starts to get nice outside. However, I like to stay inside watching horror movies. Don’t judge me.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Let’s go out and grab a scorpion bowl. It might sting, but I’m sure you’ve done that yourself a few times, you clumsy arachnid, you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Hanging out with a Sagittarius tends to be very fun. We practice archery, run through the forest and saddle up for a good time. It really centaurs me.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

The end of the holidays are often spent butting heads with family members, but this year I’ll be worshipping the devil by sacrificing a Capricorn … that still counts as a goat, right?

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Aquarius, are you up for a swim in the middle of winter? No? I understand. That is a fishy activity, plus nipple frost is the worst.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

While fishing, I discovered a mermaid-leprechaun hybrid. It’s called a mermachaun. When you kiss it for good luck, it explodes into a rainbow of sea foam, flesh and bad skin. Avoid.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

According to Aristotle, Aries are awesome at attending to angry acts of arrogant audacity augmented by acting against apple-eating alligators that attack actual artists applying for an afternoon of ah-literation.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Those born under the sign of Taurus are the peaks of human existence, the paragons of progressive thought, the lords paramount of sexy, the standard by which all men and women are measured. The writer of this column is a Taurus.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

I double-dare you to sing a duet of “It Takes Two” with those twins dressed up as the Dynamic Duo who duel injustice two-fold, doubly dealing pairs of 1-2 … punches.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

I strongly recommend never taking a Cancer out to dinner at a seafood restaurant. My date got real crabby and yelled at me about not being into cannibalism.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Your Majesty, how we all bow before your radiance, basking in your resplendent glow, bearing witness to the grandiosity of all the fluff that this sentence contains.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Victorious Virgo verges on vengeance, a vampiric vandal vanishing behind violent veils, vexing video vendors venting on the variable viewings this writer visits upon “V for Vendetta.”

Horoscope

By APRIL GEORGE

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Really, Virgo? You expect me to keep quiet about that? Tell you what — you buy me some red velvet pancakes and I’ll forget all about your faked résumé … oops. I tried. I still want those pancakes, though.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You’ll never succeed in life, Libra. The world has too many lawyers and, let’s be honest, you suck at arguing. Stick to a less people-oriented job. You aren’t cool enough to be Batman, though, so don’t try.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Stick your head in the sand, Scorpio, and maybe you’ll avoid the 20-ton elephant heading your way. Maybe not, though. If you do, I’ll buy you a drink. If not, I’ll visit you in the hospital.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Remember that project your teacher told you was due at the end of the semester, Sagittarius? Get started soon, because you’re going to get distracted. It happens. I bet you’ve already stopped reading this. Don’t blame me for the bad grade, though. I tried.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Lay off the Cheez-Its, Capricorn. They’re starting to hit your gut and you won’t impress any dates with a processed food belly. Besides, they give you bad breath. Sheesh, it’s called a breath mint!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Remember that chocolate bar I gave you last week, Aquarius? It might have been laced with a truth potion. I forgot to tell you. You told me some really juicy stuff, and the best part is you don’t even remember what you said. And no, I’m not going to tell you.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Pisces, I am simply appalled at your lack of faith in yourself. Give yourself some credit. Only strong  people realize how utterly irritating they truly are and try to change themselves. It won’t work, but hey, you’re trying. Gold star!

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Two words, Aries: anger management. Seriously. You were doing so well, and then that temper reared its ugly head and ruined your relationship. Well, at least that’s what you’re going to blame it on. And who am I to correct that?

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Strapped for cash, Taurus? Try selling an organ or 10 on eBay. You don’t really need them anyway, since no one likes you. Sorry, but that’s the truth. (Disclaimer: Kidding. Do not actually sell organs.)
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
I was going to recommend some books, Gemini, but then I remembered that you wouldn’t understand them. It’s OK, we can’t all be geniuses. Someone has to stay behind and run the car washes and drive-thrus. By the way, I want fries.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Have you been seeing little purple flying monkeys everywhere, Cancer? Don’t worry about those. They’re just scouting for me. I’ve been plotting some stuff, but it doesn’t concern you. Unless you help to shut down the Internet. Then you’d better watch your back.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
So close, Leo, and yet so very, very far. Yes, I’m referring to your job hunt. The truth is, no one will hire you unless you take a shower. Between you and me, I can smell you from here. And I’m in a concrete bunker, so that’s saying something.

Horoscope

By STEVE CHOICE

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You know the old saying about, “You’ve got a face made for radio,” Virgo? When I look at you, I wonder, “What’s even lower than that?”

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You’re truly fascinating, Libra. Look at you with your opposable thumbs and your ability to walk upright, yet indisputably dumber than a spider monkey.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

I’d hate to be you right now, Scorpio. And by “right now,” I mean, “always.”

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

I don’t mean to belittle you, Sagittarius. It’s more just an involuntary reaction that bubbles to the surface every time you open your mouth.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You’re killin’ me with that breath, Capricorn. Seriously. Go chew on an extra-strength urinal cake or something. Good Lord.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You’re hurting, Aquarius, and I’m here to help you. Can I ask just one favor, though? Do you mind if I drink myself into a blind stupor while you go on about whatever the hell it is you won’t shut up about? 

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You know what, Pisces, I’ve reconsidered – and the answer’s still “no.” 

Aries (March 21-April 19)

I truly treasure what we have, Aries. But when can we move into the phase of our relationship where we have sex, then five minutes afterwards I’m watching “SportsCenter” and listening to your car back out of my driveway?

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

I’ve crunched the numbers, Taurus, and I think we should go ahead and have a few children. Sure, they’re dead weight for the first few years, but when they hit about 7, they start paying off with the work they do around the house.  

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Maybe it’s just me, Cancer, but I think you could probably stand to cut a little sodium out of your diet. For starters, no more salting your bacon.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

You’re dead to me, Gemini. Right after you take me to the Taco Bell drive-thru, that is.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

I’m not totally sure that we’re ready for an open relationship, Leo. How about if I’m able to date whoever I want, but you still have to be faithful to me? See, I met you halfway.