Warning: Trying any of these tactics at home could cause time in jail, or have the opposite effect of what you want
By NORA THOMPSON
With summer break just around the corner, now is the perfect time to arrange for that summer romance to take place. Imagine yourself on a beach with your significant other, holding hands and watching the sunset, how romantic. The only problem is you’re probably single and no one loves you. So, if you need to catch a date for the summer, here’s how.
10: A giant net
Cost: $22.99 on Amazon
If you have a fishing or butterfly net, then all you have to do is figure out their schedule, then wait behind a doorway or bush and trap them. One you have them in your net, they should become tired from the struggle and subdue themselves. Boom – you have your summer fling.
9: Be yourself
If the person really likes you, they won’t judge your personality.. Any of them. Make sure that you are presenting the best personality that you have.
Cost: Coercion classes
Get to know your person, learn some secrets that might be of use to you. Have they committed tax evasion, or are they really formerly deceased president Richard Nixon cleverly disguised as a liberal arts major named Jessica? Then all you have to do is threaten to expose them if they don’t want to be your summer fling
7: Have a lot of money
Cost: A lot of money
This one is super simple: Be born rich. It’s really easy — just start your life in the highest income bracket, and then potential partners will come raining in.
6: Thrill them
Cost: maybe your life, maybe theirs
Nothing brings people together like near-death experiences. Try driving off a cliff (accidentally, of course). If you both end up surviving, then you’ll have a great story to tell the children. Or the police, either way.
5: Buy them a puppy
Cost: $2,000 for a Corgi puppy
Romance is nothing without forced responsibility. Getting your significant other a puppy practically forces their hand. Other than the millions of animals that get returned to shelters every year after major gift-giving holidays, there’s almost no moral dilemma.
4: Wear a Fedora for M’lady
MSRP: $15.99 on amazon
A fedora is the best way to woo the ladies. You also can adopt a beard down to your neck and the idea that being nice to a girl entitles you to their bodies, too. There’s no better way to get someone to love you like whining about the friend zone!
3: Change your identity
Cost: $12K for a facelift
If 1-7 didn’t work, just move to Mexico, live in the hills and start a goat farm. Then resurface a year later with a new name and a mustache you either grew or stole from someone who could. Re-introduce yourself, and hope things go differently this time around.
2: Kidnap their family
Cost: Hire a hitman
This one is pretty self-explanatory.
1: Create a doll; date that instead
Cost: Your soul for theirs
If the real thing just isn’t doing it for you. “Oh my God, they’re talking so much!” Just get some straw together, and some other crafting supplies and make it work. Although it’s not guaranteed that the doll won’t leave you, too, like everyone else.