Trump suffers from STD

By ERIC TEEL

In a revelation sending shockwaves through the corridors of Washington, leaked medical records from Trump’s personal physician have confirmed that the president suffers from advanced neurosyphilis.

The documents show that the president contracted the sexually transmitted disease in 2009 while he was in Ukraine to judge the annual Miss Teen Ukraine pageant.

Concern in the capitol has reached a fever pitch as details of the president’s condition have become available. According to medical personnel at the Bethesda Naval Hospital, Trump has displayed many of the symptoms of neurosyphilis over the last three years, such as bizarre behavior and decreased mental stability.

When asked for comment at his press conference with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, the president forcefully denied the report.

“Fake news peddled by immigrants and other losers have totally misrepresented my brain health,” he said. “I’m totally not a syphilis person. Trump’s brain is the No. 1 brain in terms of power, speed and frankly, beauty.”

It was not clear why the president chose to refer to himself in the third person.

Also suffering fallout from the report is the Trump marriage. New reports show that the first lady has left the White House with the couple’s son, Barron, to go to New York without the president.

This news comes amid increasing speculation that tensions between the first couple have boiled over into a full-fledged separation.

Other examples of bizarre behavior in recent days include calling the entire nation of Denmark “cucks” as well as referring to his daughter Ivanka as “a great piece of ass.”

Trump also floated the idea of having immediate execution by cop as a legal punishment for minor traffic infractions and marijuana possession.

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