Pima arms staff following Trump’s directions


Pima instructors are strapped and loving it. In light of recent mass shootings, the only logical option is to pass out military-grade assault rifles to underpaid educators with no formal training.

“I can’t wait to get strapped. When a kid misbehaves I’m just gonna go grattatatstatatatatata,” said Janice Anderson, an adjunct math professor at the Northwest Campus. “No more asking for them to stop texting anymore. Disciplinary problems will no longer be problems.”

Anderson stands 5 feet, 2 inches, and her students describe her as “delightful.”

“We’re doing it for some peace of mind,” said Chancellor Lee Lambert, showing off his semiautomatic rifle with a silencer attachment. “I love this piece. Of course it’s strictly for decoration; I haven’t even fired it.”

Not all students are in favor of the guns. Louis Jega was shot by his math teacher.

“All I was doing was texting my girlfriend! We don’t get a lot of time together, so we make up for it with texts. She didn’t even give me any warning. She just calmly loaded her AK-47 and fired 20 rounds.

“I’m just lucky she can’t aim. She only hit me in the arm. I can’t text with it anymore, so I guess she won.”

However, would take her class again.

“At the end of the day, she was delightful and she lets you turn in assignments late. That’s a professor you can’t lose.”

Board members also approve. Each is armed with a different firearm from police grade to military and have found that board meetings are now faster.

“Meetings were five hours but when someone is presenting with a loaded PPK in their face, they go faster,” Lambert said. “We’re out of here by 7.”

Lambert stated the most important part of arming faculty and staff.

“The most important part is morale,” he said. “We don’t want our teachers to die in a mass shooting, so we gave everyone guns and allowed them to be judge, jury and police in a stressful, life-or-death situation.

“It’s like the Cold War, peace by deterrence.”

Katie Hernandez and Leslie Green are two members of the COG, or Custodians Opposed to Guns.

Needless to say, Green doesn’t approve of the weapons.

“On a good night, I’d get out of here at 6, see my kids and be able to make dinner,” Green said. “Now I get out at 10 because I’m constantly cleaning blood. My workload has increased sevenfold.”

Hernandez agreed.

“The guns are nice because if a student makes a mess, then I can just fire. But then I have to clean up the student’s mess and the student. All it’s done for me is make me have to work harder.”

COG is holding a protest on April 1 and encourages all to join.

Time will tell if arming and stockpiling weapons is an effective way to govern a school. For now, Pima professors are in favor of keeping their guns.

One thought on “Pima arms staff following Trump’s directions”

  1. NOT funny.
    This is a serious issue and deserves better treatment by students supposedly interested in journalism.

    Why not actually ask some faculty and staff like me how we feel about the issue? Why not do some investigative journalism and dig into how prepared we are as a college? Why not look at the campaign funding of the legislators pushing for guns on campus? Instead, you went for a cheap April fools laugh and failed.

    This is not an issue that deserves any humorous treatment. People are dying in schools across this country. You should take this article down, and apologize.

    Seriously, what were you thinking?
    A Pima Staff member.

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