Aztec Horoscope


Aries (March 21-April 19)

The rising moon on the tipped axis of Uranus says you were once born. At some point this month, you will meet someone who was also once born. You will exchange words that are not interesting at all. Also … Uranus … ha.

Taurus (April 20-May 21)

You will find your soulmate this month. Look to your left. You will be passionately kissing this person by the end of the year. If there’s no one sitting next to you … well, that sucks, I guess. #Single4Ever

Gemini (May 22-June 21)

Geminis are usually known to be intelligent, witty and attractive. So that’s not gonna change this month. Keep doing you.

Cancer (June 22-July 23) 

Steve Buscemi. Don’t ask; just accept it.

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23)

This month, life is going to give you lemons. You know what you’re going to do with those lemons? Squeeze them in people’s eyes.

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23)

No one else enjoys your humorous comments during movies. Just deal with it.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 23)

Happy Birth-month! Someone is going to show you something new and exciting.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)

The world is going to see how creative you are when your custom license plate is approved.\ 

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22)

Your purchase of a “license to be gullible” isn’t coming in today. Or tomorrow. Or the next day.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20)

You will encounter some frustration, and nothing will go your way. Sucks to be you this month. Just kidding, ha! Made you think.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19)

Just like Leo, life is going to give you lemons … and you’re going to make orange juice with them and let everyone wonder how you did it.

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20)

This month you’re not going to want to finish what you sta-

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