Aztec Horoscope


Aries (March 21-April 19)

Are you an organ donor? If you’re not, now is time to become one. Seriously, don’t waste a second.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

This week is a great time to make some new friends. Smile and wave at someone you don’t know.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Be wary of anyone smiling and waving at you. Especially if you don’t know them.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You have a secret admirer. It’s me … look behind you.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Now is the time to do what you’ve always wanted. Tell that person you love them, study what you want, set something on fire, take a break from it all, overthrow the government or adopt a puppy.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)

With Valentine’s day around the corner, go ahead and tell that special someone that you love them. Make sure that you stay the court-ordered 100 feet away when you do it, though.

Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 23)

Wear a hat today … you’ll know why.

Scorpio  (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)

If you’re feeling lonely, just remember that you always have someone — the NSA agent assigned to your specific IP address. Blow him or her a kiss through your webcam every now and then.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

The stars say that if you’re going to join the circus, next week is really the only week it’s feasible for you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Your rap career is totally going to take off. Yes. dropping out is a good idea, and yes, your mom won’t mind you living in her basement until the world realizes “raw talent when they see it.”

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You’re in an episode of “Black Mirror.” This is the only way we have left to contact you … don’t trust the man in the black shirt; he-

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Before you make a large decision, consult the stars. This is best done by standing on top of a tall building and screaming into the void.

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