By ALEX DE LEON
Before there was Jesus, there was Moses, the OG. Turning water into wine? Pfffft. Moses parts seas. So it makes sense that this Old Testament badass would be the bearer of almighty knowledge from on high.
But like a bag full of iPods, these Ten Commandments seem to have outlived their usefulness. So let’s get a little Deuteronomy and start the blaspheming.
1. Thou shalt not kill.
Not one person? What about all those freedom-hating terrorists in need of a hellfire sandwich? There are few problems oversees that can’t be solved with a good drone strike. So why tie our righteous hands? “Thou shalt not kill” equals the terrorists win.
And what if you’re behind the wheel and somebody driving a Toyota Prius cuts you off while blasting Nickelback and flipping you the bird? What if they’re wearing a Tap-Out T-shirt? How can that person be allowed to live? Sounds pretty murder-worthy to me.
2. Thou shalt not covet.
Thou shalt not covet, as in thy neighbor’s wife, or his male servant or his donkey. What is life if not wanting your neighbor’s ass?
Speaking of ass, a word on pornography. Some of those lovely porn stars are married. That makes your porn habit a sin against God. A God that doesn’t want me looking at pornography is no God of mine.
Also, our entire economy is based on coveting thy neighbor’s possessions. Capitalism requires buying. And buying comes from the coveting of things. So covet until the end times, I say.
3. Thou shalt not take the Lord’s name in vain.
These are frustrating times. We all need to blow off steam. In the midst of such modern stresses as the unceasing pursuit of Facebook likes and waiting in line at the MVD, few phrases pack the cathartic punch as “GODAMMIT!”
And how bland would text conversations be without a few OMGs? For sure, sex would be a lot less sexy if one couldn’t wax vanity upon the Lord’s name. Go to hell, Commandment No. 3.
4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy
I’ve got three words for you: Chick fil-A. The only thing better than eating delicious chicken six days a week is eating it seven. So what’s with the closed shop on Sundays? You can thank sadistic Christians who giveth perfectly seasoned waffle fries and then taketh away. Have thou no mercy?
5. You shall have no other gods before me.
All right, God, you’re pretty cool, what with the flooding and the smiting and all. But there are other cool gods out there, too. Have you seen “Thor: Ragnarok”? I laughed so hard, a little bit of pee came out. And “Clash of the Titans”? Classic. I think you need to make a movie deal, God. Get some good writers in there, a director who understands comedic timing and knows how to highlight your attributes. Then maybe I’ll put you before the next Thor movie.
6. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
That is actually a pretty good idea. Don’t cheat, assholes.
7. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
Dude, that guy is sketchy AF. I hear these weird pounding noises on the walls next to mine late at night, but I know he’s alone. And when I’m walking up the hall to my front door, he scurries into his place like a rat, never breaking eye contact with me. I’m pretty sure he abducted my cat that week it went missing. Then he told me he saw it like running down the street or something. If the cops ask, I’m telling them he has frozen body parts in his freezer. I’ll save us all from sketch bro. Glad I don’t listen to the Ninth Commandment.
8. Honor thy father
and thy mother.
But what if they suck? There are a thousand reasons why parents should be given the finger, not the least of which is they’re huge cock blocks. How many times growing up were they like, “You’re not going over to Tony’s house,” and you’re like, “Oh my GOD, Mom, we use so many condoms, though.” What about that time Tiffany was DTF but your dad wanted you to go to Ikea with him so you could help him carry the Ektorp sofa box and the Brusali entertainment squares? Screw you, Dad. My honor you deserve not.
9. Thou shalt not make idols.
There are a lot of 12-year-old girls who would take issue with this commandment. How can you can take away their worship of One Direction and Justin Bieber? They’re called Beliebers, for GOD-sake. Just look at how happy they are catching Bieber’s spit from a multi-story balcony. The Second Commandment would destroy this sincere and sane display of love. Way to destroy their happiness, Second Commandant.
10. Thou shalt not steal.
Love you, T-Swift. I’m not paying for your new album. And neither should anyone else. All of that saved cash buys diapers and Chick-fil-A. Do you want children to starve? Fact: Kids die when you don’t steal movies and music. And Kanye West can kiss his platinum rings goodbye. Baby needs chicken nuggets and apple slices.