By ALEX DE LEON
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
You and your SO seem to be arguing a lot lately. Try raising your voice. It will help them and anyone in the vicinity understand you better.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Not making the grade? Wait until the last possible minute to do your assignments. The older you are, the wiser you are.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
You suffered a setback last week in spite of your best efforts, Aries. Remember, you cannot fail if you do not try.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’ve got financial worries on your mind, Taurus. The bills seem to be piling up. Stop paying them, and they’ll eventually go away.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You and your S.O. are toxic for each other, Gemini. Things look hopeless. Try having a baby. It’s a great way to save a relationship.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Someone you love is struggling with a difficult illness. (Insert cancer joke here.)
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leo, you’re tired of being called a racist. Find your strength and fight back. You can’t be a racist if there is only one race.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Your S.O. gaining weight? Try buying them bigger clothes. They’ll appreciate you helping them adjust to their new body.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
It’s time to be more social, Libra. Try throwing a party. If things get bland, toss a bag of spiders into a ceiling fan. It’ll really liven up the festivities.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Scorpio, you lover, you. It’s time to get a job. If you find yourself in an interview, ask how strict an employer’s sexual harassment policy is. Wouldn’t wanna get fired!
(November 22-December 21)
You’ve been through a lot lately, Sagittarius. Go get drunk like there’s no tomorrow, and it will fix all your troubles or problems.
(December 22-January 19)
Things seem hopeless right now, Capricorn. Cheer up. It’s not the worst day of your life, only the worst day of your life so far.