Aries (March 21-April 19)

The stars are done giving you advice, Aries, mainly because they’ve been dead for hundreds of years.

 Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Hey Taurus, it’s never too late to get into streetwear. Don’t listen to what your family and friends say, spending $600 on sneakers is nothing. This is what you do when you want to be the best. You were born to be a hype beast.

 Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Gemini, you must delete your Twitter account. It’s getting you into a lot of trouble. No one cares about your opinions and no one cares if you’re funny, unless you’re Chrissy Teigen.

 Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Stop looking up your dreams on dream interpreter websites, Cancer. They aren’t supposed to make any sense. Just like “Donnie Darko.”

 Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

People laugh at you, Leo, because your favorite book is “Catcher in the Rye” and your favorite movie is “Joe Dirt.” Just because you have a mullet doesn’t mean you’re allowed to openly talk about how great you think “Joe Dirt” is.

 Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

The stars will only be in your favor, Virgo, if you stop being selfish and give me $20. You can find me in the West Campus cafeteria. First floor, Santa Catalina building. See you soon.

 Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Libra, you need to stop getting drunk on weekdays. You can’t steal the Declaration of Independence. You can only borrow it.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Stop calling your ex, Scorpio. This isn’t a Drake song.

 Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Hey Sagittarius, here’s some advice. Stop ruining people’s lives. Everyone will surely appreciate it.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You’re not going to pass your classes if you sleep in, Capricorn. Do you want to stay here forever? I didn’t think so. Get it together, asshole.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You’ve been feeling stressed, Aquarius. It’s time for you to unwind, drink wine and cry while binge-watching “Naked and Afraid.”

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You feel like no one understands you and I get it, but stop Googling your astrological compatibility with Joe Biden. He’s married.

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