By S. PAUL BRYAN
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)
“Open up your eyes for me people, the prophecies are true and the beast is real.” ―Jonathan Anthony Burkett
The beast is real. RUUUNNNN!!!!
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)
“It’s the end of the world every day, for someone.” ―Margaret Atwood
…and that someone just might be you, Capricorn. Or maybe not. But maybe so.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
“It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine. —R.E.M.
Good for you, Aquarius. Have fun, go wild and start on that bucket list now. Enjoy it while you can.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
“And I saw another angel ascending from the east, having the seal of the living God: and he cried with a loud voice to the four angels, to whom it was given to hurt the earth and the sea, saying, Hurt not the earth, neither the sea, nor the trees, till we have sealed the servants of our God in their foreheads.” —Revelations 7:2-3
Yeah, it’s at that level, Pisces.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
“My zombie apocalypse plan is simple but effective; I fully intend to die in the very first wave.” —Graham Parke
Not a bad idea, not a bad idea at all.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
“Don’t wake me for the end of the world unless it has very good special effects.” —Roger Zelazny
Oh, don’t worry. You’ll be “woke,” my friend.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
“What about your apocalypse then? Well, the universe is a leaf on a time-tree, and come autumn it’s going to shrivel and fall off into hell.” —China Mieville
Nothing I can do about it, Gemini. Nothing you can do about it. Accept your fate.
Cancer (June 21- July 22)
“We see the storm clouds gathering and events taking place that herald the second coming of Jesus Christ.” ―Billy Graham
Once Jesus comes the second time, it’s definitely over. (Somehow the guy that can cure the blind and turn water into wine never has a third round in him.)
Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)
“What were they thinking? It’s an alien apocalypse! Quick, grab the beer!” ―Rick Yancey
Leo, it’s time to tie one on. You’ll most definitely want to be drunk before the aliens get you.
Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)
“The sun will expand and engulf our orbit as the charred ember that was once Earth vaporizes. Have a nice day.” ―Neil deGrasse Tyson
At least Neil makes it seem quick, although it does sound a bit like religious teachings of hell. Have a nice day, hahahahaha.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
“The atomic bomb was created with the destruction of men in mind” ―Bangambiki Habyarimana
And the USA just voted Donald Trump for president. Good luck with that.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
“No one is going to survive without throwing up like 5,000 times” —Paul Bryan II
I’m not sure if this guarantees the end of the world but if Paul Bryan II says so, than it is so.