Pretty Tied Up


Relationship advice from a pro



Dear Mr. Bryan:

My girlfriend is going out of town for the weekend and this really cute girl from my psychology class asked me to study. I was a bit nervous about even exchanging numbers but meeting in person?!? She’s hot, bro. I don’t know if I can control myself.



Dear Unsure:


Right off the bat, I’m not your “bro.” I’m here to give you love, sex and relationship advice. That’s it.


You’re being a shitty boyfriend. Do you want to be in a relationship with your girlfriend or not?


We all have to deal with temptation in life. If you’re not willing to fight those urges for your lady, then you don’t need said lady.


My thoughts: The single life is the only life for you right now.


Now, I rarely do this, but I’ve decided to consult with an old piece of shit, lying criminal scumbag friend of mine to help answer your question. Hopefully, he’ll be able to shed some light on the situation for you. (He’s the kind of guy who uses the term “bro.”)


Dear Unsure:


To hell with your girlfriend! Dump her. That would be huuuuge. Take yourself right on over to that psych class girl’s house and grab her by the p**sy!


—Donald Chimpanzee Trump


OK, so it’s true that my old friends are lowlifes. You can choose between his answer and mine when it comes to your love life. But when you vote in the presidential election, for all of our sakes, choose HER.




Dear Mr. Bryan:

What is a nice way to tell my girlfriend she smothers me too much? It’s driving me away from liking her.



Dear Smothered:


You don’t like your girlfriend. If her love, attention and neediness are too much for you, you’re simply not into her. Y’all are not a match.


Dump her and find someone who gives you the space you need. Then write me a question wondering why your new girlfriend doesn’t give you enough love and attention.


Don’t take love for granted




Dear Mr. Bryan:

What’s the best way to get over someone?

— I’m going crazy


Dear IGC:


Are you familiar with the Guns N’ Roses song that includes the lyrics “I used to love her, but I had to kill her?”


Unfortunately, that’s not an option unless you’re willing to throw away the remainder of your time here on Earth in prison.


So what do you do? First and foremost take care of No. 1. Spend time with friends who have had similar experiences, friends who can empathize. Learn what they did that helped, or hurt.


Eat well, exercise and get involved in social events or groups that you enjoy. All of these things will help, but there’s no quick fix.


Here’s the rub. Time is the only cure for what you’ve got. It takes time to become accustomed to the changes that go along with a break-up.


Usually, the longer the relationship, the longer the recovery time.


Rest assured, one day it will dawn on you that you no longer care. You’re free of the emotional connection to that old ex.


Then, and only then, will you be open to new romantic relationships. If you start down a new romantic path too soon, before you’re ready, you’ll only be hurting yourself and the new person.


Time is on your side.


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