Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Oh Scorpio, you need to stop using Wikipedia as a credible source. Your instructor is catching on. Try a .org or .gov website. You wouldn’t want to fail the course for a third time.


Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Hey Sag, could you stop Googling your symptoms? Web MD does not have all the answers. No, you do not have cancer. On the other hand, Google can help you get out of the house. Make plans to go on a date with your zodiac match, Martin Van Buren.


Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

This month you’ll be in a bit of a scandal. But don’t worry — nothing like Watergate. Maybe you should stop being so paranoid, Capricorn. You wouldn’t want to end up like Richard Nixon.


Aquarius (Jan. 20- Feb. 18)

Don’t waste your time and energy this month, Aquarius. Just pour yourself another drink because it’s going to be a long one. Stop arguing with people who don’t understand, just subtweet them.


Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

Try something different this month, Pisces. Maybe watch a new show on Netflix or learn how to read. You don’t want to end up like George Washington.


Aries (March 21-April 19)

How’s your month been, Aries? I hope you haven’t cried too much. Founding father and Declaration of Independence author Thomas Jefferson is your match. Grab a glass of wine and watch “National Treasure” to feel close to your long-lost love.


Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Remember when you were a child and your parents said you could be anything you wanted? Even the president? Yeah, I would stick to something a bit easier. Maybe a retail job.


Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Lucky duck, your Gemini zodiac match is John F. Kennedy. Even though he lived a short life and continued the Kennedy curse, he still got it on with Marilyn Monroe. Make your time count this week, and talk to that Marilyn Monroe look-alike in your chemistry class.


Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Oh Cancer, Cancer, Cancer. I’m sorry, but your match is the one and only George W. Bush. Get rid of that creepy smile and pull your head out of your you-know-what. Hope you don’t ruin anything else in your life this week.


Leo (July 3-Aug. 22)

Hey Leo, how’s it going? Have you been feeling OK? Any regrets eating at you? Wait, don’t answer that. I’m not your therapist. I know you’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed, but you’re almost out of the spotlight. Just wait a few more months and you’ll no longer be known as President Obama. You’ll be known as Michelle’s husband.


Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

Leave the Halloween candy behind this month. Instead, go out and vote. Maybe vote for someone called Billary Blinton?


Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Don’t be weak this month, Libra. You wouldn’t want to get the same rep as Jimmy Carter. Stand your ground and don’t let anyone make you cry.

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