Horoscopes

By S. PAUL BRYAN

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

“Why do all balls look like they’re 150 years old?” -Whitney Cummings

Think of the information you’ve absorbed this year. Try to figure out why we, as humans, haven’t found the answer to Ms. Cummings question. It’s a brain teaser. Happy birthday.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

“College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic.” -Natasha Leggero

It’s true, Gemini. Alcoholism is an issue that you are working your way into, not away from. With your all-night drinking and “a little hair of the dog,” things aren’t looking good. Get help.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

“I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.” -George Carlin

Cancer, just don’t die this month and I think everything will be OK … at least for this month.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

“I don’t set out to offend or shock, but I also don’t do anything to avoid it.” -Sarah Silverman

You’ve done it again, Leo. You’ve pissed everyone off and didn’t even mean to. They’re upset, but what are you supposed to do? Tip toe around all of these sensitive people? Nope.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

“I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying till I get it right.” -Richard Pryor

Keep at it, Virgo. Things will work out eventually. Don’t forget the witness and make sure to get those signatures in ink on the pre-nup.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

“Just because you are blind and unable to see my beauty doesn’t mean it does not exist.” -Margaret Cho

Do your thing, Libra. This is your month to shine. Get out there and be as beautiful as you want to be because you are just that, beautiful.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

“I’m Dave Chappelle and I’m a chronic masturbator.” -Dave Chappelle

Hey, Scorpio. Guess what you and Mr. Chappelle have in common. Yep. Do yourself, and those around you, a favor. Get a partner!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

“I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people … that’s why I don’t like any of them.” -Roseanne Barr

People. Who needs them? Not you. Stick to yourself over the coming weeks and enjoy your solitude. Go ahead, have some “me” time.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering, and it’s all over much too soon.” -Woody Allen

Think about it, Capricorn. Life’s a ____ and then you die. So, instead of letting life be a ____ to you, make life your ____. You’ll find it much more enjoyable that way.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

“Normal is just a cycle on the washing machine.” -Whoopi Goldberg

That’s right Aquarius, let your freak flag fly! Have fun, go wild and be yourself. Your life is set up for you to be however you want to be.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

“Life is a four-letter word.” -Lenny Bruce

Sorry Pisces, this isn’t your month. Prepare yourself for the bad side of that bipolar conundrum we all call LIFE.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

“Everything’s amazing right now, and nobody’s happy.” -Louis C.K.

Aries, take a look around you and appreciate what the astrological gods have given you. Stop and smell the roses. Life is good.

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  1. Meredith says:

    Love the horoscopes! Great quotes!

  2. Kenneth says:

    Wow. Finally horoscope that are more down to earth…

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