Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.” – Joan Rivers

Aquarius, you’re not what they’d call a looker. Hit the gym or make a cosmetic surgery appointment. Either way, love is not in your forecast.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

“Love is a promise delivered already broken.”

– Steve Martin

You will never live up to the standards of your partner, and your partner will never reach your unrealistic ideal. You lie too often in your honeymoon stage. I implore you to simply give up.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” – Rodney Dangerfield

You’re going to ruin your life and someone else’s. Reflect upon the ramifications of halting the progression of another human being’s life.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

“A kiss may ruin a human life.” – Oscar Wilde

Before you go throwing your lips all over whomever will let you, think of the life you might be ruining. The life may be your own.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

“I used to love her, but I had to kill her.”

– Axl Rose

O.J. Simpson loved somebody. Kurt Cobain was in Love, too. Robert Blake and Sid Vicious were madly in love. Gemini, this Valentine’s Day you should stay out of love … and out of prison.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

“Must be another one she loves”

– Mac DeMarco

Cancer, are you sitting down? Your loved one is cheating on you. Hell, your little angel has been cheating throughout your relationship. Sure, you could find someone else, but the stars are in line with Jupiter, so this will only happen again.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

“My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.”

– Garry Shandling

Leo, your new nickname is The Iron Curtain. I’d tell you to open up, but the stars won’t have it. You’re a danger to all hearts. Do us a favor on Feb. 14: stay home and watch Netflix.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

“You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain’t no happiness nowhere.”

– Chris Rock

Sorry, Virgo. You’re screwed, no, not in a good way. The alignment of Saturn’s moons won’t allow any passion for you. You’re destined for romantic dissatisfaction, indefinitely.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

“You can never be wise and be in love at the same time.” – Bob Dylan

Do you desire wisdom or love? Both the setting of Venus and Mr. Dylan say you can’t have both. Make a choice: smart or stupid. Your call.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

“Got my mojo working, but it just won’t work on you” – Muddy Waters

You’re a cool cat. Unfortunately, the one you want doesn’t want you. The stars tell me your plight has to do with Uranus. You’re going to be a sad and lonely little kitten this Valentine’s Day.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx

Who knows (other than me, of course) whether you’ll experience love. The planets are definite, however, that no one loves you now. You have zero chance of getting any late-night romance.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

“Sex without love is as hollow and ridiculous as love without sex.” – Hunter S. Thompson

Capricorn, you’re not satisfying anyone with your current actions. Stop giving it up to everyone who strolls by. The stars will eventually align in your favor.

9 thoughts on “Horoscope

  1. “I’m not God but if I were God, ¾ of you would be girls, and the rest would be pizza and beer” – Axl Rose

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