TOP 10 How to V-Day the singles’ way

By MICKEY RAY LAMB

With Valentine’s Day approaching many Pima Community College students and faculty are busy making reservations for romantic dinners, buying gifts for their main squeeze and conditioning themselves to go the full 12 rounds.
With all the buzz our society gives these romantic excursions it is not difficult to see why some people who are not so amorously blessed might feel left out with nothing to do.
If the only thing you have written in your calendar this weekend is to stare at the drywall ,coveting that which will always escape you, maybe you might benefit from re-imagining your Valentine’s Day.

10. Throw a potluck with your single friends

Misery loves company, and this miserable lot has nothing better to do than sit around, spit some jive and watch each other gain weight. Start meeting biweekly with these turkeys while serving coffee and doughnuts on a side table and you are well on your way to starting a 12-step program. Luckily for you, your winning personality comes before desperate principles.

9. Seek therapy

There’s obviously something wrong with you. Everybody knows it. Oh, you didn’t? Well denial is the first step on the road to recovery. Good job, you’re making progress.

8. Living room Karaoke

Dare I say naked?  Oh yeah, that’s refreshing. Please try to remember to shut the blinds if you live in a school zone, unless you think that the sex offender registry line is a great place to try out your new pick up lines on high school teachers. Nice. You are a weird one aren’t you?

7. Do volunteer work

If you’re seeking a scholarship or still owe the judge 40 hours, now’s as good a time as any to smash those dreaded community service hours out and look like a half-decent citizen. Who knows, maybe you’ll get lucky enough to work those hours off reading “50 Shades of Grey” to a blind girl with broken arms.  Remember, charity is its own reward. Live to give.

6. Sleep

It’s Saturday. Why is this alarm even set?  Do yourself a favor and just rip the whole clock off of the wall. Worry about resetting it Sunday night.

5. Take a long walk

Go hiking through Sabino Canyon, take a stroll downtown or just walk anywhere. The simple task will give you time to reflect and figure out why you are alone yet again this February.

4. Troll the bars for strange

Whether you’re a down-rigger or an out-rigger kind of vessel, you aren’t gonna snag the catch of the day unless you check your pole, pack your lures and head on down to the local watering hole. If you can’t get a nibble after happy hour, change location. The key is to blend in with the natural surroundings and not stand out as a predator. If your query is sitting at a bar on Valentine’s Day then they are either single or they are in a relationship they obviously don’t respect. Be sure to get close enough to bag that wide mouth. If patience and subtlety aren’t your defining personality traits maybe trawling the bar is more your style.

3. Read a damn book!

Maybe part of the problem is you haven’t shown the opposite sex that you were built for more than pulling plows and grazing.  If you’re unsure of what to read, it’s always safe to stick to anything that is at least at a high school reading level. Try to read in public and display your sophistication. Anybody who asks you about what you are reading is already interested. Remember that the only good answer in this situation is, “It’s OK, but not as good as I expected.” It gives the impression you read more often. Hence making you seem smarter and more attractive.

2. Take your mother out to the movies

Just because you didn’t have anything planned this Valentine’s Day does not mean she didn’t. Luckily for you she’d rather spend her time with you.  An unsuccessful marriage and awkward step-dad bonding moments will now be averted.

1. Don’t panic

No expensive dinners for two. No roses. No chocolate covered, gold-plated, self-aware, dancing teddy bears that sing Maroon 5’s “Animals” when you squeeze his paw. Do you have any idea how much that would actually run? And that’s just for the girlfriend. Don’t ask what the wife wants. If you don’t know the answer to that riddle my friend, I don’t have any advice that can help you.

Filed Under: Arts/EntertainmentHumorModern Living

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