By ALFRED DICOCHEA III
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Someone will be doing dinner for one on Valentine’s Day. Look on the bright side: It will be cheaper. You can still do the two-for-20 deal, it will just be a two-for-20 for one.
Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)
Look, the only chocolate you’ll be getting is the box you buy for yourself on the day after Valentine’s Day. That’s not a bad thing — 50 percent off candy will make you feel better.
(March 21-April 19)
You and your mom can go out on Feb. 14. It wouldn’t be the first time, I bet. You pretty much took her to prom as well, didn’t you?
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Just like the Dez Bryant controversy in Green Bay, you’re not a catch. And just like Cowboys fans, you’re probably crying about that.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
The gem in Gemini doesn’t refer to you. Gems are pretty to look at, and unfortunately you aren’t. You are more of rock, and pretty dull.
Cancer (June 21- July 22)
Seriously? Look at your zodiac sign name and use that for a way to describe your love life. That’s if you can read it. You’re one IQ point away from being considered a sheep.
Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)
You’ll definitely be more kitten than lion this Valentine’s Day. The only roar you’ll make is from behind your computer screen. I bet you still have MySpace. That’s kind of sad, dude
Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)
Roses are red, violets are blue, guess what, no one likes you. Well, maybe your mom but last time I mentioned you she changed subjects.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Check to see if Farmersonly.com has some discounts this week. That, or ask some Cancers out. They might be goofy enough to say yes. Another thing you might like is that Cancer is considered a sheep.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You’re a paper bag away from being passable. Look to see if your local supermarket can supply you one. That’s if they let you in. I would suggest you send a friend to get the bag, but we both know your friend count is zero.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
I find it funny that someone like you gets a date, even if is just a cutout of someone else. But then again, it is more action than your are getting.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You’re the only one in this bunchthat I would take out for Valentine’s Day. Just letting you know, that’s nothing to brag about. Have you seen what I said about the rest? P.S., you’re a solid four.