By ALEX FRUECHTENICHT
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Happy birthday! How’s it feel to be another year older? It’s your party, and you can cry if you want to. I predict you’ll be crying a lot.
Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)
Virgo and Scorpio have it out for you. Instead of making amends, hunt them down and get them before they get you.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
You don’t believe in these things, so why are you bothering now? It’s because you’re at the end of your rope and hoping the universe will tell you how to make correct choices in your life.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Your “relationship,” or at least what you tell friends and family you have, is going south fast. You did this to yourself, Taurus, so strap in and get ready to go for a ride. It won’t be pretty.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Much like a cinnamon roll, you’re in a pretty sticky situation right now. However, you can eat your way out. Just don’t expect to emerge without a bit of weight gain.
Cancer (June 21- July 22)
You’re the winner of the cosmos, with amazing times ahead. Your immediate future includes relationship highs, financial gain and academic praise. You just need to finally apply yourself to attain these astrological gifts.
Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)
You are stuck in a world of lies right now, but you and those who are close to you can reach out to the truth and grab it. Most of all, Leo, you need to be true to yourself.
Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)
You better get those Pisces. You know what they did to you and they need to pay. Thankfully, you are just the one to dish out well-deserved justice.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Buy a boat. No astrological ambiguity, you just straight up need to go buy a boat. We all know you’ve wanted one for a while, so get it this weekend.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You curse your sudden, but inevitable, betrayal from those Pisces snakes in the grass. You need to get them back. Unfortunately, you can’t really handle difficult situations.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)
Always bring a banana to a party and always protect your cabbages. Hey, not all advice is straightforward but some of you might get what we mean. The stars have spoken!
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)
Make changes in your love life if you wish to stay with your significant other, for the better and worse of us all. Just because you have troubles in your love life, doesn’t mean you have to tell the rest of us.