Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

This semester has really kicked your butt, Sagittarius, but don’t let all that ugly bruising distract you from the finish line. I hear it’s really near and filled with a lot of cold beer.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Capricorn, you must really be loved because you’re getting two celebrations while everyone else only gets one. Let me be the first to say, Merry birthday and Happy Christmas.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Always expect the unexpected, my Aquarius friend. Who knows what kind of shenanigans your family has in store for you this holiday season?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Now Pisces, I know you made your list and you’ve probably even checked it twice. Just remember to keep that smile on your face when it doesn’t turn out right.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Don’t forget to pace yourself at the dinner table this year, Aries. Food comas are real and sleeping for five days after is not healthy. I repeat: It is not healthy.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus, I know you believe your singing is a mix between Fergie and Jesus but the caroler’s club has voted you out. I guess you’re not the song bird of your generation.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Has anyone told you how great you are, Gemini? Like, you could be the shining star on top of the Christmas tree.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

It’s the holiday season, Cancer. Although you’re very single, that doesn’t mean you can’t sing a little jingle underneath the mistletoe.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Oh Leo, you’ve been naughty and somebody has been eyeballing. Fortunately, all is not lost. If you start acting nice, there will be plenty of presents in your sight.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Although the weather is making your hands cold, Virgo, your heart remains warm, like a hot stove making cocoa and cookies. Now eat up, and get a little extra meat on those cold hands of yours.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Libra, don’t worry so much! I know once the holiday season is over, your fat pants will fit just right again — if you dance your butt off enough, of course.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

The year is coming to an end, Scorpio. Don’t simply watch it fly by. You must open your eyes and enjoy the final ride. Just make sure to close your eyes when you finally kiss it goodbye.

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