Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Do you smell that, Scorpio? That’s the smell of old age and a freshly baked birthday cake. Eat the whole cake – you need to bury your “getting old” sorrows somehow.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

If you play your cards right, my little Sagittarius friend, you might find that king or queen you’ve been looking for. Let’s just hope you hit the jackpot with this one.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You must learn to indulge a little, Capricorn, so don’t worry about all the looks you receive when your credit card is declined. That shopping spree was totally worth it.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

We get it, Aquarius, you want to save the world. You’re not a superhero though. Why not enjoy a relaxing movie and fresh popcorn for once? The world will still need saving when the movie is over.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Wash your hair, put on your best outfit and take yourself on a date. You deserve to be wined and dined, Pisces, even if you’re the one holding open doors and paying the tab.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You’ve been so busy lately with school and work, Aries. It’s time to put the books away and sleep all day. You need some beauty rest.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

We can tell you stuffed your face with all that half-priced Halloween candy, Taurus. I know it was delicious but the gym is calling your name now.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Stop worrying so much about what other people say, Gemini. They probably aren’t as well-spoken as you. Besides, you just don’t have time for that nonsense.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

We all know you’re lying when you say, “just one more episode.” Learn to be honest with yourself and the people around you, Cancer. It’s never just one more episode.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You’ve always been the loudest and most energetic, Leo, but your friends are tired and their ears are starting to hurt. Stay home for once. You don’t want your friends to go deaf, now do you?

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Stop spending so much time planning your Pinterest wedding and go out on a real date, Virgo. It can’t be an ideal wedding if only your cats are in attendance.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Oh Libra, I’d tell you to stop and smell the flowers but I know how much you hate them. Instead, I’m going to tell you to stop and taste the beers. Maybe after a few, you’ll learn to love those damn flowers.

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