By ZACK LEDESMA
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Happy birthday, Libra. I can’t tell you if you’ll make it to the next one. Oh wait, yes I can. I’m psychic. Don’t count on it.
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You recently picked up a new obsession. Everyone is glad you got over your previous obsession, but now this new obsession gets on their nerves. It’s a vicious cycle that you will take no action to prevent.
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Stop being bore to the core and be someone to adore or abhor. Anything that won’t make people snore.
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You’re all right with the world, Capricorn. Unless you’re not. Nothing is absolute. Everything can happen.
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Everyone knows what you’re going to do and everyone agrees you shouldn’t. Please, for the love of dogs. Don’t do it.
(Feb. 19-March 20)
You half-ass everything, Pisces. Just like the universe half-cares what happens in your future.
(March 21-April 19)
People often respond to you with disinterest. Just because it is about you does not make it interesting.
(April 20-May 20)
You’ve been sitting around in your underwear for too long. Do something, even if it’s just putting on pants. Then celebrate your accomplishments by sleeping.
(May 21-June 21)
Sushi or Mexican? What you eat today has little to do with your certain death. Unless you die of a horrendous case of food poisoning. Then neither would be the answer.
(June 22-July 22)
You often find yourself thinking other people are talking bad about you behind your back. They’re not. Nobody cares enough.
(July 23-Aug. 22)
You’ve been searching hard for the meaning of life. Try looking somewhere other than your mirror.
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Your skepticism is unwarranted. Expect an unfriendly visit from extraterrestrial life forms. If you deny it happened, it’s only because you don’t remember.