Horoscope: No one cares, Aries



(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Happy birthday, Libra. I can’t tell you if you’ll make it to the next one. Oh wait, yes I can. I’m psychic. Don’t count on it.


(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You recently picked up a new obsession. Everyone is glad you got over your previous obsession, but now this new obsession gets on their nerves. It’s a vicious cycle that you will take no action to prevent.


(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Stop being bore to the core and be someone to adore or abhor. Anything that won’t make people snore.


(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You’re all right with the world, Capricorn. Unless you’re not. Nothing is absolute. Everything can happen.


(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Everyone knows what you’re going to do and everyone agrees you shouldn’t. Please, for the love of dogs. Don’t do it.


(Feb. 19-March 20)

You half-ass everything, Pisces. Just like the universe half-cares what happens in your future.


(March 21-April 19)

People often respond to you with disinterest. Just because it is about you does not make it interesting.


(April 20-May 20)

You’ve been sitting around in your underwear for too long. Do something, even if it’s just putting on pants. Then celebrate your accomplishments by sleeping.


(May 21-June 21)

Sushi or Mexican? What you eat today has little to do with your certain death. Unless you die of a horrendous case of food poisoning.  Then neither would be the answer.


(June 22-July 22)

You often find yourself thinking other people are talking bad about you behind your back. They’re not. Nobody cares enough.


(July 23-Aug. 22)

You’ve been searching hard for the meaning of life. Try looking somewhere other than your mirror.


(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Your skepticism is unwarranted. Expect an unfriendly visit from extraterrestrial life forms. If you deny it happened, it’s only because you don’t remember.

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