Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

This may be your month, Aquarius, if you think you can jump over the hurdles and challenges it may bring. Remember hard work and a just cause yield worthy results. You’re on the track team for a reason.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

Let’s face it, Pisces, you’re accepting and often quick to trust others. Maybe you should consider that next time you wake up in Mexico in a pool of your own saliva and a bottle of Jack.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

OK, your star sign is named after the Greek God of War. Isn’t that cool enough? So what now, you want a horoscope? I won’t give you the pleasure, Aries.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Admittedly, Taurus, your bull is getting hard to deal with. The fellas and I have been talking, and we only deal with it because you’re our D.D.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Your evil twin is coming out more and more this month, Gemini. Kind of makes me wonder when you’ll be coming out. Denial is a hard thing to live with. Apparently your roommates think you are, too.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

There are literally doctors out there to treat people who have you, Cancer. Too easy? Maybe, but you brought this on yourself.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You’re a lion of a person, Leo. You’ll get that thing you wanted because the stars say so, and because you’re reading a horoscope.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Don’t take this too personally but I just like you as a friend. Looks like you’re going to stay a Virgo for a while longer, huh?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Liberated in body and mind, Libra, you don’t mind letting one rip during yoga. After all, at least YOU enjoyed your lunch. Try to eat less hummus this month, dear.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

I’ve read a couple of horoscope articles that say you’re good in bed, Scorpio, but the only thing you’re good at is sleeping in one. For you, 50 Shades of Gray means 50 Shades of Lame.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)

You were tripping over yourself most of last month, Sagittarius. My advice? Start by tying those shoe laces.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)

So congrats on your birthday last month, Capricorn. Now it’s time to realize some goals. Go watch some soccer, like now.

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