By JOHN CHESTNUT
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Like a hot Spanish conquistador, your name will guide you to the mountaintop before someone disappoints you and says, “No hace frio.”
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Sometimes you gotta go. Now is the time for you to say, “I can and will eat that 72-ounce steak.” Your family legacy depends on it.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)
You’ll become a sonic boom of light after Mercury and Uranus light the way.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)
“Something wicked this way comes.” That’s a great line from an awesome movie series. With that in mind, your life shall soon be headed in a wicked good way.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Watch out! Your astrological sign almost resembles Aquaman, and that can only mean that you’ll prove to be the useless one in your family. But fret not, because someone will be willing to try making you useful. However, it might not work.
Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)
You’ll be in Pisces after receiving some news that you will not want to hear. See what the universe did there?
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Your life is headed to infinity and beyond, but if and only if Saturn allows it.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You hide in the shadows and rattle the cages, yet seem unsure of taking the bull by the horns. Watch as the sun rotates you in the right direction.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
You seem to be caught up in another’s life. Take a moment to look into the stars and find the big dipper. It will dip you onward.
Cancer (June 22- July 22)
This city is afraid of you. It has seen your true face, but there is still no cure for you. Please collect your $200 as you pass go.
Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)
Time flies, and so will you soon enough. Just remember that big girls don’t cry.
Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)
It’s time for you to spread those wings and find a person to love – oh, wait, this doesn’t mean that you’re a virgin. Well then, your next couple of weeks are looking sharp.