Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

What’s with the mood, Scorpio? Brighten up and stop being so crabby. People around you feel like they’re being sucked into a black hole.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)

Please remember that you’re not a baby. Stop being so dependent on your parents and go make something of yourself. Your room won’t miss you, I promise.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)

Thanksgiving is coming up, and that means being thankful for what you have. It doesn’t seem as though your family and friends are very pleased with you. Start being more generous or you might as well volunteer as tribute for the Hunger Games. Katniss would be proud.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

I can see that you’re confused, Aquarius, but I’m here to point you in the right direction. Here’s one example: Don’t eat that cheeseburger. Put it down immediately.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

You’ve been waiting for a promotion, and now you’ve finally earned one. You’ve gone from procrastinator to full-time couch potato. Pick up the slack. That “my dog ate my homework” excuse got old in middle school.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Wondering if that special classmate from your writing class has noticed you? The answer is no. Not with that wardrobe. Stop dressing like you’re part of the Jersey Shore cast.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)                           

You’re really not fooling anyone with your constant Twitter and Facebook updates about going to the gym. We’ve all been taught to not trust everything we read on the Internet.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

If you’re Victoria’s secret, I now understand why she’s kept it a secret for so long. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone and neither should you.

Cancer (June 22- July 22)

You’ve been having bad luck lately, but that’s all about to change. For the worse, that is. If you were a football, Peyton Manning would purposely throw an interception to keep his teammates from being involved with you in any way, shape or form.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

No, you’re not as cool as you think and yes, that’s why no one wants to sit with you at lunch. In the words of Gretchen Wieners, “You can’t sit with us!”

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

You’ve been feeling lonely, and it’s time to face facts. Everyone would rather spend their entire day continuously watching Miley’s VMA performance than be seen with you in public.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Nobody likes a jealous, overprotective creep. Stop being so envious and such a stalker. You have no chance.

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