Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Fluidity is your thing, ever changing and never stagnant. Be yourself and before you know it, you’ll be making waves on a full moon and a starry night.
Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)
Your sign is a fish; fish are fishy! People either like you or they don’t. Lucky for you, there are no in-betweens. Just keep swimming.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Yikes, change it up this Valentine’s Day. No more roses and chocolates. Instead, try asphodels and licorice.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Huff and puff all you want, you raging bull! Don’t let your horns get the best of you; you’ll only poke yourself. When it comes to relationships, it’s best to compromise.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Careful with your dual nature, hot or cold? As if! Love knows no duality. Gemini, be nice! Seriously yo, what gives?
Cancer (June 22- July 22)
Just ‘cause your sign is a crab doesn’t mean you have to act like one! People like crabs when they’re steamed and accompanied by warm butter. It’s totally time for a makeover!
Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)
The positioning of Pluto this month will make for plenty of bad hair days. Since you’re a lion, your hair will be your “mane” struggle. Just add some product, and work it. Before you know it, you will be making little lion kings!
Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)
Virgo, Virgo, Virgo, what can I say? Nothing, actually. Sorry, but I just don’t see into the future like I used to. My horoscope told me not to be so presumptuous, so I’ll start with you.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
It’s safe to say that you’re the most balanced of all the signs. Just keep doing your thing, weighing the pros and the cons.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Watch the stinger and monitor the amount of poison you inject. Thoughtless stinging can be a turn-off, so keep it hush-hush.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)
Jim Morrison was a Sagittarius. Make like the song and light a fire. There’s a difference between a flame and an explosion, so be careful not to get too toasted.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)
Refrain from the pick-up lines and bling, just be yourself. It is better to be rejected for who you are than to be loved for who you aren’t. OK?