By CELESTE ORENDAIN
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
If you could only imagine what you cause me every time you talk, Aquarius. In case you don’t know, I’m going to tell you: sickness. That’s why you need to brush your teeth at least twice a day.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Telling you what is wrong with you will take me hours, Pisces, because I have to figure out where to start. There are many things that pop up just looking at you.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
You don’t have to be so mean, Aries. There are so many things that you could do to be nicer. Who knows, you could meet great people around you. Just be helpful with the ones who need a little something.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Crying over me is not getting you anywhere except to the store to buy me a new shirt, Taurus. There is no reason for you to act like you’re about to draw your last breath.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
It is obvious that you’ve been lying the whole time, Gemini. Now take a minute to figure out what you will do to let others know that you’re willing to change.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Cancer, having a conversation with you is like talking to a wall. And believe me, that is harder than you think. Next time, just text me if you need to talk.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Don’t even think about calling me in the middle of the night, Leo. In case you don’t know, I do have a life and I really value my time. Time is one of the most precious things that I have. You should take some advice and do something productive.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept.22)
I’m tired of your dumb excuses, Virgo. It’s time for a change. Forget about last year’s excuses and start with something more believable.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
I know, Libra – you’re very sensitive. I understand about all the drama that got you to this point. But even beautiful flowers wilt and dry up if you don’t tend to them. Try taking care of you.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Believing in magic is not your thing, Scorpio. It is time to grow up a bit and start to believe in reality. Out there in the real world, are things that are hard but cost a lot of time and patience.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
It is nice having you but it will be nicer to not have you all the time. Burning toasted bread isn’t as fun as leaving me without breakfast.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Stop acting as if you know everything; that makes you sound boring. Nerds don’t go around giving an hourly explanation about how they take notes.
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