By APRIL GEORGE
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Really, Virgo? You expect me to keep quiet about that? Tell you what — you buy me some red velvet pancakes and I’ll forget all about your faked résumé … oops. I tried. I still want those pancakes, though.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You’ll never succeed in life, Libra. The world has too many lawyers and, let’s be honest, you suck at arguing. Stick to a less people-oriented job. You aren’t cool enough to be Batman, though, so don’t try.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Stick your head in the sand, Scorpio, and maybe you’ll avoid the 20-ton elephant heading your way. Maybe not, though. If you do, I’ll buy you a drink. If not, I’ll visit you in the hospital.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Remember that project your teacher told you was due at the end of the semester, Sagittarius? Get started soon, because you’re going to get distracted. It happens. I bet you’ve already stopped reading this. Don’t blame me for the bad grade, though. I tried.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Lay off the Cheez-Its, Capricorn. They’re starting to hit your gut and you won’t impress any dates with a processed food belly. Besides, they give you bad breath. Sheesh, it’s called a breath mint!
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Remember that chocolate bar I gave you last week, Aquarius? It might have been laced with a truth potion. I forgot to tell you. You told me some really juicy stuff, and the best part is you don’t even remember what you said. And no, I’m not going to tell you.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Pisces, I am simply appalled at your lack of faith in yourself. Give yourself some credit. Only strong people realize how utterly irritating they truly are and try to change themselves. It won’t work, but hey, you’re trying. Gold star!
Aries (March 21–April 19)
Two words, Aries: anger management. Seriously. You were doing so well, and then that temper reared its ugly head and ruined your relationship. Well, at least that’s what you’re going to blame it on. And who am I to correct that?
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Strapped for cash, Taurus? Try selling an organ or 10 on eBay. You don’t really need them anyway, since no one likes you. Sorry, but that’s the truth. (Disclaimer: Kidding. Do not actually sell organs.)
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
I was going to recommend some books, Gemini, but then I remembered that you wouldn’t understand them. It’s OK, we can’t all be geniuses. Someone has to stay behind and run the car washes and drive-thrus. By the way, I want fries.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Have you been seeing little purple flying monkeys everywhere, Cancer? Don’t worry about those. They’re just scouting for me. I’ve been plotting some stuff, but it doesn’t concern you. Unless you help to shut down the Internet. Then you’d better watch your back.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
So close, Leo, and yet so very, very far. Yes, I’m referring to your job hunt. The truth is, no one will hire you unless you take a shower. Between you and me, I can smell you from here. And I’m in a concrete bunker, so that’s saying something.