Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You know the old saying about, “You’ve got a face made for radio,” Virgo? When I look at you, I wonder, “What’s even lower than that?”

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You’re truly fascinating, Libra. Look at you with your opposable thumbs and your ability to walk upright, yet indisputably dumber than a spider monkey.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

I’d hate to be you right now, Scorpio. And by “right now,” I mean, “always.”

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

I don’t mean to belittle you, Sagittarius. It’s more just an involuntary reaction that bubbles to the surface every time you open your mouth.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You’re killin’ me with that breath, Capricorn. Seriously. Go chew on an extra-strength urinal cake or something. Good Lord.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You’re hurting, Aquarius, and I’m here to help you. Can I ask just one favor, though? Do you mind if I drink myself into a blind stupor while you go on about whatever the hell it is you won’t shut up about? 

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

You know what, Pisces, I’ve reconsidered – and the answer’s still “no.” 

Aries (March 21-April 19)

I truly treasure what we have, Aries. But when can we move into the phase of our relationship where we have sex, then five minutes afterwards I’m watching “SportsCenter” and listening to your car back out of my driveway?

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

I’ve crunched the numbers, Taurus, and I think we should go ahead and have a few children. Sure, they’re dead weight for the first few years, but when they hit about 7, they start paying off with the work they do around the house.  

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Maybe it’s just me, Cancer, but I think you could probably stand to cut a little sodium out of your diet. For starters, no more salting your bacon.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

You’re dead to me, Gemini. Right after you take me to the Taco Bell drive-thru, that is.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

I’m not totally sure that we’re ready for an open relationship, Leo. How about if I’m able to date whoever I want, but you still have to be faithful to me? See, I met you halfway.


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