Taurus (April 20-May 20)

I apologize for betting you about eating the fake grass in your Easter basket, Taurus. I didn’t think you’d actually do it. On the bright side, I got a funny Facebook status out of it.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Ease up on the cologne, Gemini. Your smell alone is about as strong as the odor in an enclosed basement at a frat party. These tears you see? Not tears of joy.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Congrats on becoming my summer intern, Cancer. One thing to remember – my dry cleaning isn’t just going to pick itself up. Welcome aboard, and easy on the starch.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

I’ve got to be honest, Leo — you bore me to tears. I guess the upside is that you can’t literally bore someone to death. No murder convictions in your future.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept.22)

I just don’t think she’s that into you, Virgo. I was kind of tipped off when she poured red wine all over her favorite white dress just to have an excuse to go home. But I’m pretty sure she’ll be out later, if you want to keep striking out with her.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You and I make a great team, Libra. With me to do all the thinking and you carrying the luggage, I really think we could go places.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You know those toy chimps that incessantly bang on their cymbals, Scorpio? That’s how I think of you. But I mean that as a compliment. Those things always bring a smile to my face.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

So you’re going up the river for five to seven, huh, Sagittarius? Well, look at the bright side – you’ll come out of prison ripped and not too many people will dare mess with you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Capricorn, now that you’ve blathered on about your crackpot political views for the last 30 minutes, I was wondering if you could possibly go straight to hell?

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You say, “Sometimes I feel like you just don’t care that much.” Aquarius, it’s not that I don’t totally care about your concerns. It’s that I don’t care at all.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Sorry I told everyone about that sex dream you had about the woman you’ve got a first date with on Saturday, Pisces. The good news is that now she knows how you truly feel.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

I want to wish you and your family the very best that this life has to offer, Aries. Know that I’d do anything to help you, now and forever. Don’t ever forget — you make the world shine.

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