Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Yeah, so I spent the weekend watching “The 10th Kingdom,” Pisces. Avoid evil queens and talking dogs, OK? It’ll save you a lot of grief and heartache in life.

Aries (March 21April 19)

Try not to break any mirrors, Aries. Aside from the seven years of bad luck, someone may need to use that for travel purposes. What, you thought mirrors were only good for fixing your hair?

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus, I foresee a strange man in your house trying to season your grandmother. No, wait, I’m just staring at “Wolf” on my TV. You’re going to discover magic water in a well. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Watch out for blind men wielding axes, Gemini. They tend to have notoriously horrifying aim. And don’t agree to guess his name, either. But if he tricks you into doing it, I hear it’s “Juliet.”

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Cancer, you get to deal with the wrath I feel at George Martin right now. That man has a horrible definition of the word love. If characters are an author’s babies, I expect you to call Child Protective Services on him. You do that and I’ll get you good luck for the rest of the semester.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Don’t ever agree to work on a movie in which Phil is the “dinosaur supervisor,” Leo. That man never does his job. There are always raptors up in the dang kitchen when he’s in charge. I like you too much to let you get hurt.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept.22)

What am I going to do with you, Virgo? You’re just so darn lovable and fun that I can’t figure out how to make up something mean for you. Hmm … How about this: You’re too nice. Try being meaner so I can be meaner to you.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Thank you for putting the video games down and going outside, Libra. I know the sunlight is bright, but sometimes you just have to do it. Now take a deep breath and enjoy the outdoors before it gets too hot outside.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Hey, did you watch the Oscars, Scorpio? Did you see the scary look Milla Jovovich was wearing? Anyway, you’re going to find a talking rat in your wall on Wednesday. His name is Sir Edward, and I’ll need him back.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Booze and ‘80s movies don’t mix, Sagittarius. They’re enough of a trip without adding alcohol. That said, have you ever watched “Labyrinth” in HD? Holy crap, you can see everything! Including, sadly, things you may not want to see.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

When I tell you to join a show or something, Capricorn, don’t take my advice. It’s tedious work after a while.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Last, but certainly not least, Aquarius. My advice is to get enough sleep. I know, it’s boring, but you don’t want to burn out, do you?



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