Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Don’t look so down, Pisces. Sure, your life seems horrible, but at least you didn’t have to sit through Lady Antebellum sweeping the Grammys again. Wait, you did? Sorry about that, then. Your life is going nowhere but up.

Aries (March 21April 19)

I’ve been too nice to you. It’s time to change that, but I’m in too good a mood to bother. So, go watch “Fiddler on the Roof” or something. I have a copy you can borrow.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
OK, I’ll be nice to you. My dad chewed me up for the last round, so have a giant cookie on me. And get ready for next issue, because the nice stops here.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Somehow, I have to wonder if all this time I’m advising you to spend with the twin is not affecting the rest of your life. Maybe you two should take a break and spend some time with your actual family. It’s just a thought.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Hmm, where do I go from here? I’ve done the stalker thing to death and, really, the Fates are being amazing to you. I almost have to wonder what you’ve done to earn their favor. You should totally let me in on your secret sometime.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Have some ice cream and celebrate. You’ve survived this far in the semester. That’s about all I’ve got for you. I seem to be reserving the snark for Scorpio again.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept.22)
Again? Don’t you get tired of never actually being told anything? Fine. Let’s see what I’ve got. How about this? You’re going to have to dodge a stampeding elephant this time around. Does that work for you?
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
I’ve got nothing for you either. Sorry, the short skirt Rihanna’s wearing on the Grammys distracts me. Check back next issue. I’ll trot something out for you then, I promise.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You, however, are once again on the receiving end of the snark parade. I hope you still have that umbrella, because the Fates are about to send a huge raincloud your way. Sorry about that, but I don’t control the Fates. I just work for them.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Do you hate some of the music that’s popular today as much as I do? Let’s do something about it. Let your creative light shine bright and give some of those so-called musicians a run for their money. Just promise me that when you win that Grammy, you’ll thank me for motivating you.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You might want to find a new band to listen to. That one you’re always going on about is actually not that great, believe me. I’ve listened to them. Try Voltaire. You might like him.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Here’s the deal. You convince Capricorns to listen to something besides their current band of choice, and I’ll convince the Fates to give you good luck the rest of the semester. You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.

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