By APRIL GEORGE
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Did you really spend all winter eating cheese puffs and stalking Facebook? Really? Be glad classes have started. You can make up for it with all the walking you have to do on campus.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Didn’t get that job, Pisces? Well, lighten up, because it’s not all bad. You could be a 200-year-old vampire with an emotional complex… wait, that’s the plot to “Interview with the Vampire.” My bad.
Aries (March 21–April 19)
Aries, Aries, Aries. The proverbial stubborn one. Don’t let your ego ruin your life. Trust me. People are not impressed by the “me-me-me” attitude you’ve had going recently. Stop it.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Believe it or not, Taurus, the stars aren’t throwing a darn thing at you this week. Watch out next time, though. I’m going to knock you off the pedestal and smash that thing to bits.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Now that you’ve found your twin, Gemini, be sure to use your new-found powers for good. Don’t, for instance, use your twin to break a date with that weirdo from math class. That’s not fair to the twin.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Did you practice your stalker smile over the holiday, Cancer? You did? Good. Now go find some unwitting moron who will welcome your worthy adoration. I mean… don’t do that. In fact, disregard all of this advice. And have fun.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
What will I do with you, Leo? You have such a habit of putting your foot in your mouth. Just make sure you don’t say the wrong thing in class this week, or you’ll have bigger issues than who you’re taking to see “The Green Hornet.”
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept.22)
Virgo, you’re a lovely person. However, don’t put too much faith in what I say about you. Everyone knows these horoscopes aren’t real. They’re made up by a crazy person with too much time on her hands and a talent for inappropriately misdirected sarcasm.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Watch your step this week, Libra. Instead of giving in to the urge to kick some butt when the much bigger football player insults you, simply take a deep breath and call him a snowman. Enjoy your time in traction.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
I wouldn’t bother listening to my advice either, Scorpio. Really, I’m just bored, and insulting you seemed fun. Oh, do me a favor? Run to Taco Bell and get me a burrito. Hold the onions and red sauce. Thanks!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
I know you’ll understand what I mean, Sagittarius, when I say this time of year bites. Don’t worry, though. Spring is around the corner… unless that groundhog sees his shadow. In that case, join me in wallowing in the freakish misery of a longer winter. Or is it the other way around? I don’t remember.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Capricorn, I’ve decided I don’t like you this semester. You will be my verbal punching bag. You’ve been warned. No, I’m kidding. I just can’t think of anything to put for you. Try again next time. I’m sure I’ll have something.