Horoscope

By Ana Ramirez

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

Tired of being alone? It’s time to put on your best shoes and dress to impress. Go out and meet new people. In no time, you’ll be snuggling with that cutie from math class who has you all goo-goo eyed.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Let your inspiration fly. Show off your artsy self. Pick up a pencil or camera and show the world what you see and feel. People will be amazed.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Put down the Ben and Jerry’s ice cream before you enter a comatose state. Start jogging or join a gym, and work those buns off.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)

Think you and your significant other are drifting apart? Think again. As a fortune cookie told me, “To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.”

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)

You’re about as real as a unicorn, Capricorn. Stop pretending you’re something you’re not. People will like you a lot more when you can be honest with yourself. In addition, you’ll be a lot happier.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You’ve become quite the insomniac. Ease up on the partying and studying. Learn how to dream again. Find out if you’re one of the many people who dream in black and white or if you’re one of the few to dream in color.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

You are accident-prone this week, Pisces. Be careful while driving or even crossing the street. If you try shark diving, you’ll end up as live fish bait. Cue the “Jaws” theme song.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Put down that pencil! It’s the beginning of school and you’re already stressing. Ease up a bit and take a break. Don’t completely put off your homework, but soak up the summer sun while it lasts.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Instead of thinking and wishing that this year will be different, make it happen. Stop worrying about what others think and do what you want. This is the time to figure yourself out. Weigh your options and go with your heart.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Gemini, Gemini, Gemini. You clip your toenails in the living room when you have guests and your breath smells like a wounded turtle. Start using sensible hygiene and stop jamming to Breaking Benjamin at 3 a.m. It really is just embarrassing.

Cancer (June 22- July 22)

You’ve been trying too hard to be mature. Embrace your inner child again and rent a movie, maybe “Free Willy” or “James and the Giant Peach.” You’ll learn to laugh and cry again, all at the same time.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

You’ll be very disappointed by your horoscope…

Filed Under: Humor

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