By April George
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept.22)
Let’s be reasonable, Virgo. Sure, a pet monkey sounds like a good idea now, but when he flings poo at your significant other? Well, then all you’ll have left is the monkey. Except he’ll run away with the circus, so you won’t even have him.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
I feel a certain responsibility to be nice to you, Libra. That said, be careful who you insult this week. Sure, it’ll feel good now, but your pride isn’t worth the 300-pound wrestler pile-driving you into oblivion.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You have a stunning personality, Scorpio. Keep telling yourself that when you get caught in the pouring rain with no umbrella. Ah, who am I kidding? Just get soaked and wallow in the misery of being you.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
If you can’t laugh at yourself, Sagittarius, then you’ve obviously never super-glued your fingers into the Spock formation. Trust me on this one, guys. I’m one of you.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Broaden your horizons, Capricorn. Sure, sitting in your mom’s basement watching “Star Trek” and eating cheese puffs is fun now, but all it’s going to lead to is heartache. And potentially a quadruple-bypass.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Aquarius, remember to feed that cat you adopted last week. Otherwise, it will come back as a zombie, and then you’ll just feel bad as Mr. Kitty eats your eyes out.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You know you’re named for a fish, right Pisces? So don’t take it personally if someone comments on that strange odor around you. I’d lay off the trout dinners, though. Those are your cousins, after all.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
No matter what, Aries, remember this: Sunglasses are sexy. If you wear them all the time, you look mysterious. I’d suggest taking them off in dark hallways, though. That black eye from running into the door is not quite as sexy.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Remember one thing for me, Taurus: Hair of the dog. Sooner or later we all dance with the devil. Believe me, this week you’re going to be doing a lot of that when the 18-wheeler shows up out of nowhere.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Don’t be ridiculous, Gemini. Those cuties don’t actually like you for your personality. Better hold onto those looks, because that’s all they see in you.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Lighten up, Cancer. Remember, you catch more flies with honey… but if catching flies is your thing, I’d suggest professional help.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You’re named for the majestic lion, Leo. That doesn’t make you one. Actually, you remind me more of a majestic llama. They should change the name of the sign, in fact…hmm. I’ll get back to you on that.