Online Extra: Study shows breasts have biological purpose

By STEVE CHOICE

It turns out that men may need the birds and the bees explained to them with a little more clarity.

The results of a major study released last week have confirmed a long-held suspicion in the field of reproductive health.

The majority of American males have little or no idea that women’s breasts serve a biological function.

The Florida study was conducted at the University of Miami, Howard H. McCollum School of Health Sciences, and involved more than 1,000 subjects. National telephone interviews supplemented the data gathered live, adding another 1,500 men to the pool of respondents.

The results were striking, and just slightly depressing.

A full 63 percent of participants queried reported they did not believe women’s breasts served any function besides an aesthetic one.

Another 21 percent characterized themselves in the study as “kind of aware,” meaning they had an incompletely formed notion of the part breasts play in the feeding of newborns.

The primary biological purpose for women’s mammary glands is to produce milk for infants, and to provide babies a point of access for their source of sustenance in the early months of life.

“What this research tells me is that males in this country are in dire need of better education in the areas of biology and sexual reproduction,” said Geoffrey Manning, professor emeritus at the University of Miami School of Medicine, who spearheaded the project.

“It also lends more insight into why I was so much better than my peers in my school days,” the dignified-looking academic added. “No wonder they laugh at us in Europe.”

The medical team carrying out the study partnered with a group of sociologists, whose main role was to interpret the data.

“In one sense, this does come as somewhat of a surprise,” said Maritza Sanchez, head of Miami’s sociology department.

“I have always known that men were basically transfixed by breasts, but I didn’t realize the severity or breadth of the problem,” the native of Barranquilla, Colombia, added.

“It’s like these guys have been walking around in some blissful breast-induced fog all of their lives, refusing to try and learn the basics about women. We’re still trying to fully understand what these results are telling us.”

Sanchez, herself a very shapely woman, has been combating male ignorance all her life.

“Oh, yes,” she sighed. “I thought it would be different when I came to this country during my university days. But men are the same everywhere.”

Sanchez said she learned that sad truth while dating American men.

“I could talk all night long about my academic achievements or my views on life,” she said. “But then I saw their eyes glaze over. It’s like there’s just one word in their minds.”

Manning hopes the groundbreaking study will be the first step in bringing men to a better understanding of the female secondary sexual characteristic.

“I’d like to see breasts demystified for the average male,” Manning said. “And I just pray to God that my daughters never marry any of these people.”

Filed Under: Humor

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  1. Pamela says:

    What i’d like to know is how these males grew up without knowing this??

  2. Shardae says:

    Wow! Men really are DOGS! I think those 63 pecent of little boys need to go back and retake health.

  3. Steve says:

    Thanks, Marissa! Haha, yeah, maybe I just got the percentages a little wrong, haha.

  4. Marissa says:

    Very funny! I can almost see it as being true.

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