Archive for April, 2010

Bus rides more than just a journey

Story and photo by Gabi Piña

During a recent bus ride, I noticed a man looking at me. I smiled at him as I do with every stranger but he brushed me off. After my failed attempt at being friendly, my cell phone started to ring.

I usually try not to answer phone calls while I’m on the bus because others might find my conversations rather rude, but I saw that it was my mom calling. She would freak out if I pressed ‘ignore.’

Being from Nogales, I’m known to switch rapidly from English to Spanish to a mixture of both. The bus was semi-empty, so I figured a five-minute phone call with my mother wouldn’t bother anyone.

After my mother and I traded our goodbyes, the man turned to me and said, “Fucking wetback, go back to Mexico.”

I casually glanced around the bus to see if there was anyone else he could be talking to. Because there was no sign of another Hispanic person on board, I quickly realized he had picked me as his target. I told him that I wasn’t from Mexico and smiled once more.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed he kept mumbling something. I didn’t want to risk being told off again, so I paused my music instead of removing my headphones.

Turns out, he was arguing with an older man who defended me. The older man told him there was no need to talk to a young lady in that manner and tried to get an apology.

Both men traded their fair share of “f-word this” and “f-word that.” Once the bus driver evicted the younger man, he followed the bus on foot, threatening to kill us.

That incident was the highlight of a recent weekend I dedicated to Tucson’s transportation services. I mostly rode buses I knew would be extremely packed and chose routes I knew attracted the weirdest people.

I was starting to lose faith because I hadn’t encountered anything other than homeless people with horrid body odors asking me for money.

Finally, since I had just gotten paid, I decided to go to the mall and give my adventure hunt one last shot.

In past bus rides, I’ve been punched by a drunken homeless man and have been told scandalous sex stories by crazy women but never had my life threatened.

Most people would never ride the bus again after an event like that, but where is the fun in that? If I stopped riding buses, I’d miss out on future adventures. I still consider public transportation safe and reliable most of the time.

I encourage everyone to ride the bus at least once. It’s a great experience to get a feel for the world around us. It’s also an excellent way to come in contact with all different types of people.

Even if some end up wanting to kill you.

Tucsonans debate F-35A controversy

By Steve Choice

Look, up in the air! It’s a plane, all right, and the controversy this bird is generating has hit the afterburners.

The Air Force will integrate the new F-35A Joint Strike Fighter into its fleet in the next few years. Tucson International Airport is on a short list of facilities being considered to host the aircraft.

The camp pushing to bring the project to Tucson fears losing the economic benefits that the TIA-based 162^nd Fighter Wing contributes to the surrounding area. Supporters also worry about the unit’s future in Tucson if the high-tech aircraft isn’t included in its mission.

The 162^nd is an Air National Guard unit that trains pilots from all components of the Air Force, as well as personnel from allied countries’ militaries.

Those opposed to the F-35A have far more personal concerns: their hearing and quality of life, as well as the value of their homes. They’re also fearful of the effect the booming jet’s presence will have on the local economy.

The Air Force has held meetings to discuss the contentious issue with community residents, including one at Roskruge Elementary School on March 5.

Worry and frustration ran high on both sides of the divisive debate in the small auditorium where children normally put on plays and musical performances.

“Homes will become unlivable,” Tucson resident Donna rae Watson said. “What will happen to our city when we turn huge swaths of it into urban ghettos? The tax base will shrivel up, tourism will suffer and it won’t stop there. The F-35 is going to push the Tucson economy from a tailspin into a death spiral.”

Watson, who is a pilot, said she learned about the F-35A plans from newspaper accounts.

“I read in the paper that the military was planning to fly this beast over my home and my jaw just hit the floor,” she said. “I knew I had to do something.”

Long-time Tucsonan Matt Somers mentioned a lawsuit that the city of Valparaiso, Fla., brought against the Air Force over its introduction of the F-35A to nearby Eglin Air Force Base.

“The people in Florida sued because the Air Force said the noise would be a certain amount, then it turned out to be about 10 times as high,” Somers said. “It was 105 decibels at take-off and landing. That’s damaging to people’s hearing, especially children.”

Somers also accused the Air Force of withholding key details.

“They’re intentionally hiding the most pertinent information that the community needs to make a decision, which is the flight path for these planes,” he said.

Lt. Col. Steven Ford, an engineer and environmental planner working from Air National Guard Headquarters at Andrews AFB in Maryland, also attended the meeting. The native of Muskego, Wis., said the public’s worries haven’t fallen on deaf ears.

“Noise is the overwhelming concern, and I understand that,” Ford said. “Noise is something that, in some cases, is very misunderstood. I think part of the problem is that there are some unknowns right now, and there are always concerns with unknowns.”

Ford said he believes some positions voiced by the opposition are misleading. “We’ve learned that there may be some information out there that might not be completely truthful,” he said.

Is it possible that people are overestimating the negative impact the F-35A could have?

“It’s a really tough question, because it’s going to be based on perception,” Ford said. “There are a lot of people with whom I’ve spoken during these public meetings who have said, ‘Yeah, they may be noisy, but bring ‘em on.’ Then the next person that comes by will say, ‘They’re going to be noisy, and I don’t want them in my backyard.’”

One staunch supporter of bringing the fighters to Tucson is Tim Amalong, president of the 162^nd Fighter Wing Minuteman Committee. The group is made up of more than 100 local business owners and CEOs.

“The 162^nd provides approximately $280 million of annual revenue and over 1,400 jobs for the community,” Amalong said. He drew his figures from a 2008 report published by a Phoenix-based public policy consulting firm, The Maguire Company, on behalf of the Arizona Department of Commerce.

“If we miss out on the F-35A, there’s no knowing what the future of the 162^nd might be,” Amalong said. “The F-16s that the 162^nd currently trains fighter pilots on are being phased out. There’s a possibility Tucson could lose this unit, which would be devastating.”

As mandated by the National Environmental Policy Act, in 2011 the Air Force will release an environmental impact statement detailing anticipated effects on the area. The document will factor heavily into the final decision made.

Arizona Senator John McCain and Tucson Mayor Bob Walkup are on record in support of the proposal.

If the 162^nd does land the project, look for the jet fighter to touch down at TIA sometime between 2013 and 2015, according to local Air Guardsman Lt. Col. Mike Knutson.

MARIE’S MUNCHIES: Mimi’s Café

Review and photo by Marie Rodriguez

The designers responsible for creating the atmosphere at Mimi’s Café certainly worked hard at creating a French ambiance.

Four impressive seating areas inside keep with the theme yet each have a different look. Mock shop window awnings align the walls and hang over the bar. Outside, benches surround blooming flowers.

Mimi’s proudly boasts an “All Day Fresh Café” that serves breakfast, lunch and dinner all day. They also include a “Fresh and Fit” menu available after 11 a.m.

Being a breakfast aficionado, I ask for the breakfast menu at any time of day. The fresh-squeezed juice, muffin and potatoes that come with each Mimi’s selection call to my stomach and wallet.

Breakfast choices range in price from about $7 to $9, while lunch and dinner can be around $11 to $13.

My choice was the Santa Fe Omelet. Jalapenos, cilantro, tomato, onion, and pepper jack cheese covered in chipotle sauce eggs, here I come.

The omelet arrived at the table looking scrawny with a side of sliced tomatoes. It seemed nice and healthy but where was my heavy breakfast full of hearty eggs and potatoes?

This omelet reminded me of the pre-scrambled eggs that I deem questionable in the grocery store. Fluffy and light is not how I wanted to describe my eggs, which were supposed to sustain my full day and a nap.

After a quick investigation with the waitress, we discovered I received the right plate, just the one from the light and healthy part of the menu. She quickly apologized and brought me a new plate with an omelet twice as big and gushing with melted cheese.

Twice the fillings and three times the cheese promised an exciting meal to come.

The only disappointment was the side potatoes. Mimi’s red potatoes are flavored nicely but that doesn’t matter if they’re not fully cooked.

I’ll chalk it up to them bringing the plate out in a hurry at 1 p.m., when most restaurants aren’t even thinking of breakfast.

The lunch and dinner menus are just as stuffed with endless choices. Seasonal features ensure empty bellies even greater opportunities.

Mimi’s isn’t snobby, with only French food options. It also serves choices like Jambalaya and an Asian salad.

This restaurant, which has two locations in Tucson, is appetizing both tastefully and visually. It’s worth a trip and a good long look over the menu. Upon leaving, a meal option for next time will already be in mind.

FYI

Address/phone:

4420 N. Oracle Road/ 690-9544

120 S. Wilmot Road/ 747-7273

Web site: Mimiscafe.com

We must interest kids in the news

By Liza Porter

Kids do not seem to have a sense of the importance of news to their daily lives.
Without a free press, democracy is at risk. The importance of this must be instilled in our children. We must have ethical journalism if we want to retain our liberties.

The solution is in the classroom.

Being involved in newsgathering and writing teaches children to love the news and differentiate important news from gossip and entertainment.

Every class from preschool on up should have a newsletter and every school should have a newspaper of its own.

Children should write and/or illustrate articles for their class newsletter on a regular basis. This will instill a sense of the importance of what is going on around them—the news—as well as teach them to write.

These student newsletters/newspapers will also provide a way to communicate with the parents at home and draw them into the news gathering and writing process.

With all of today’s technology available to them, a good newspaper (with online components) can be produced at each school, with everyday news for the younger kids and more in-depth community news for the older.

Every high school should have its own newspaper and/or radio station, with several types of journalism classes so that teenagers can learn how to be “backpackers,” journalists who do it all—the writing, the videotaping and the photography.

An informal telephone survey of 14 area high schools shows that 10 have journalism classes and campus newspapers. One of the schools with no journalism classes this year will offer them again next year, as well as produce a campus newspaper once again.

Imagine that, a newspaper start-up!

Cynics might say it’s too late to recapture younger readers. They’re too addicted to their iPhones and iPods and iPads. They don’t care.

If that is the case, all the more reason to start at the beginning. Teach journalism from Day One. Start educating children from their first day in school that news is important and everyone can share in the gathering and reporting of it.

We must keep journalism alive in our schools.

Savagery growing among young adults

By William Brown

A young woman commits suicide after being unable to withstand any further abuse at the hands of tormentors.

Another young woman is brutally stomped with steel-toed boots.

A young man is forced to leave his school when he is harassed because he is gay.

Are these horrifying images from Nazi Germany?

No.

They are events from the last four months that happened right here in America.

While much of the public focuses on the turmoil in Washington over reform bills and how unruly politics has gotten, many ignore the fact that young people are turning on each other like rabid wolves.

Phoebe Prince, a new girl in a new school, reportedly drew displeasure because she was dating the wrong guy.

Josie Lou Ratley made a disparaging remark about someone’s deceased brother, and so was beaten into unconsciousness.

A young man known only as Jacob was considered offensive simply because he was gay.

The people deemed responsible for Prince’s suicide and the attack on Ratley have been arrested, and that is good.

Due to the treatment of Jacob, a school district in New York reached a settlement in which it pledged to do more to protect students from harassment. That is good as well.

But it isn’t enough.

In all three cases, while behavior may have occurred that wasn’t acceptable to some, the explosions of violence and ill-treatment were disproportionate.

Such narrow thinking is sadly not limited to young people.

In Washington, death threats and epithets have been flying—largely in response to legislation most don’t understand and probably haven’t even read.

Americans, we need to take a long look at regulating our own conduct and the conduct of our children. As a nation of laws, we have measures we can take to settle things we don’t like without resorting to violence. We need everyone to remember that.

April 27 talk to discuss ‘scientific revolution’

By Gabi Piña

Pima Community College physics instructor Tony Pitucco will give a lecture April 27 at 6 p.m. in the Community Board Room at PCC’s District Office, 4905 E. Broadway Blvd.

The talk, “The Emerging Scientific Revolution,” will discuss the physical and philosophical consequences of theories such as quantum mechanics and general relativity.

Pitucco holds a Ph.D. in applied mathematics, a M.S in mathematics and a master’s of education degree in Foundations of Education and Philosophy.

He has directed myriad research grants and has been honored as Arizona Professor of the Year. He has also been selected for a national Teaching Excellence Award – Top 50 Professors in the USA.

The lecture, part of PCC’s new Speakers’ Series, is free and open to the public. It is sponsored by the provost/executive vice chancellor and the PCC Faculty Senate.

For further information, call the PCC information desk at 206-4500.

Jane Goodall to speak at Northwest Campus

By William Brown

World-renowned primatologist Jane Goodall will speak at Pima Community College’s Northwest Campus on April 28.

The free lecture will begin at 2 p.m. in the Northwest Campus second-floor amphitheater. Arrive early to ensure a good seat.

2010 marks the 50th anniversary of Goodall’s landmark chimpanzee behavioral research. Her lecture, Gombe and Beyond: The Next 50 Years, will focus on the work she has done, the changes she has seen and the role everyone must take to make a better future.

A book signing and sales of Jane Goodall Institute merchandise will take place after the talk.

For further details about the talk, contact the Northwest Campus Student Life office at 206-2121. For more information about Goodall, visit www.janegoodall.org or www.rootsandshoots.org.

Full house turns out to honor student artists

Story and photos by David Mendez

A standing room-only crowd turned out for the 2010 Annual Juried Student Art Exhibition reception and awards ceremony at the Louis Carlos Bernal Gallery on April 7.

More than 80 students, friends and family of the artists were on hand for the awards ceremony, which saw Dana Waller take Best of Show for her sculpture, “Mt. Da Vinci’s Face.”

The sculpture was Waller’s first entry to a juried exhibition. She created the piece with visitor interaction in mind. The design allows visitors to rearrange the pieces in the sculpture’s base, like a puzzle.

“That’s the way I prefer the piece — in mayhem,” Waller said.

Sergio Resendiz, another first-time entrant whose work was chosen for exhibition, was jubilant to be included.

“It’s rewarding to see one of my pieces here, along with all of the other great work,” he said.

Robert Simpson, acting dean of the Arts, Communications and Humanities division, greeted award recipients along with Bernal Gallery Director David Andres.

“I’m amazed at the high quality and diversity of the works produced by our students,” Simpson said.

The exhibition, which is free and open to the public, continues through April 30. The gallery is open Monday-Thursday from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m., Friday from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m., and before most evening performances in the West Campus Center for the Arts theaters.

Other student artists honored include:

•    Chris Dawdy, Best of Two Dimensional
•    George Peñaloza, Best of Three Dimensional

•    Rodney A. Frable, Ceramics
•    Michael D. Steinle, Digital
•    Mary Howard, Drawing
•    Jamie Field, Fibers
•    Marika Szabo, Mixed Media
•    Jeff Cravath, Painting.
•    Danila Schultz, Printmaking
•    Rebecca Flores, Photography
•    Michael Karopakin, Digital Photography
•    Briana Irvine, Century Award
•    Rima Dolgoff-Kasper, Arizona Design Craftsman Award
•    Larry Gotkin, Arizona Design Craftsman Award
•    Zach Libetsh, Arizona Design Craftsman Award
•    Michelle Startzman, Arizona Design Craftsman Award

Six concerts on tap from music department

Pima Community College’s music department will present six concerts in nine days.

Each concert will be in Center for the Arts Proscenium Theatre on West Campus. Tickets cost $6, with discounts available, and can be purchased at the CFA box office. For additional information, call 206-6986.

Opera and Musical Theatre Scenes

Students will perform fully staged, costumed scenes from operas and musical theater April 23-24. Show times are Friday at 7 p.m. and Saturday at 2 p.m. and 7 p.m.

Under the musical direction of Dean Schoff and the stage direction of Anna Schoff, the performances will open with scenes from operas including “Rigoletto,” “Nabucco,” “La Traviata,” “Lucia di Lammermoor,” “Le Nozze di Figaro” and “Don Giovanni.”

The second half of the program will feature scenes from popular musicals such as “Sweeney Todd,” “The Music Man,” “Chicago,” “Jekyll and Hyde” and “West Side Story.”

-By Jacquelyn Montaño

PCC Jazz Ensemble

The 18-piece PCC Jazz Ensemble will perform Tuesday, April 27, at 7:30 p.m. under the direction of Mike Kuhn.

The concert will include arrangements by Sammy Nextico and Les Hooper. Featured soloists are Kuhn on tenor sax, Glen Gross on trumpet and vocalist Lali Smith.

In addition to instructing jazz ensemble and improvisation classes at PCC, Kuhn plays jazz saxophone with the Arizona Jazz Orchestra and performs at a variety of Tucson venues.

-By Austin Driscoll

PCC Wind Ensemble

PCC Wind Ensemble with
Canyon del Oro High School Concert Band

PCC’s Wind Ensemble will team with the Canyon del Oro High School Concert Band for a joint spring concert on Thursday, April 29, at 7:30 p.m.

Mark Nelson directs the Wind Ensemble and Darrell Prochaska directs the CDO Concert Band.

Each band will play a separate program, then combine to perform the final two works, “The Harry Potter Suite” by John Williams and “Barnum and Bailey’s Favorite March” by Karl L. King.

Featured Wind Ensemble works include the “Hounds of Spring” overture, “The Carnival of Venice” variations (featuring trumpet section leader Todd Austin), the symphonic suite from “Star Wars: Episode I, The Phantom Menace” and “The Pomp and Circumstance March Number 1.”

The Canyon del Oro band will perform “Circle of Life” by Elton John and “Amazing Grace” arranged by Frank Tichelli.

-By Austin Driscoll

PCC Orchestra

The PCC Orchestra will perform works by Handel, Vivaldi, Smetana and Beethoven on Saturday, May 1, at 3 p.m. under the direction of Alexander Tentser.

Orchestra members include high school students, college students and community adults who play strings, woodwinds and piano.

Tentser came to the United States in 1990 from the highly regarded Gnessin Music Institute in Moscow, Russia. In addition to directing the orchestra, he teaches piano classes at PCC.

-By Laura Halverson

Photos courtesy of PCC Center for the Arts

Something Silver, Something Gold – Pokemon Heartgold/Soulsilver

By Taylor Bock

Many of us have fond memories of our days when we collected Pokémon cards and played the video games. We could tell you the names of all the original 150 Pokémons, give you their types and number, describe their strengths and weaknesses. Hell, some of us can still do that.

Some Pokémon veterans have been disappointed with the last few games. Each is relatively the same as the last.

Collect, battle, go through the thin plotline and eventually become the reigning champ. The formula doesn’t change, and the Pokémon you pick up never really holds the same charm as that original generation we grew up with.

Well my friends, “Soul Silver” and “Heart Gold” give us a chance to go back to those original generations that obsessed us so.

Both games come with the new Pokéwalker accessory. This is basically a pedometer that you can load a Pokémon into and walk with.

The more you walk with your Pokémon, the more it begins to love and respect you. This may not be important to everyone, but if you’re the type with an active imagination, it can be fun.

Be forewarned: buying the game new will run you nearly 40 bucks. So, if that Pokéwalker isn’t really that interesting to you, you might as well wait to find the game used. Or, just grab an old Gameboy and play one of the older games.

I won’t lie to you, this is pretty much the exact same game you’ve played a hundred times before.

New features include an improved battle system, better graphics and animations, plus an entire other region to explore when you defeat the Elite Four. In addition, the Pokémon in your first slot will follow you around in the game world, just like in the original “Gold and Silver.”

If you haven’t played the game in a while and you’re looking to revisit the old school, then give the game a shot. If you’re just looking for a quick Pokémon fix, you’d be better off just getting a used copy of Diamond, Pearl or one of the older GBA games.

‘Date Night’ a funny romp

By Jacquelyn Montaño

It’s hard to find a comedy that stands out among the crowds of silly spoofs and overdone geek-meets-girl ideas. “Date Night,” starring Tina Fey and Steve Carell, stands tall amidst the wackiness.

The two play Claire and Phil Foster, a married couple from New Jersey looking to create a spark in their increasingly dull marriage. Instead of going to the same old eatery on their date night, the couple hires a babysitter for their two children and head into Manhattan to dine in a new upscale restaurant.

After being rudely told by the snooty staff that the restaurant is completely booked, the Fosters decide to harmlessly take the reservations of another couple who didn’t show. It turns out the decision isn’t so harmless after all.

Their delicious and expensive dinner is interrupted by what seem to be two gangsters who mistake them for a couple of thieves that go by the alias Tripplehorn, the last name of the couple whose reservation they stole.

Subsequently, the Fosters are forced to flee from the accusers. They run to the police, only to find that the gangsters they met earlier are actually dirty cops. Hilarity ensues as the two try to escape the men chasing them, meeting some amusing characters along the way.

“Date Night,” directed by Shawn Levy, is slathered in humor and takes the genre of romantic comedy to an entirely new level.

Although the story about the struggle to rekindle their dull marriage does fall to the backburner, there are a few touching moments between the couple that reminds us that they are indeed a couple.

Fey and Carell bring out the best in each other and the chemistry between the two is evident from the first scene to the last. Their improvisational skills definitely shine and are also featured in the outtakes at the end of the movie.

Calling the movie star-studded would be an overstatement but there’s no shortage of stars who appear during the film. Taraji P. Henson, Common and Mark Wahlberg show off their comedic skills. James Franco and Mila Kunis make the best of small roles to display their veteran talents.

On a Friday or Saturday night, look no further than “Date Night” if you’re out with that special someone. When you’ve finished your dinner and you’re headed to the movies, “Date Night” is the perfect selection for your own date night.

Arts briefs

Students win
opera awards

Three Pima Community College students won awards at the Opera Guild of Southern Arizona’s “Quest for the Best” competition on March 28 at the University of Arizona.

Diana Olivares won the Award in Honor of Richard Clark with a cash prize of $500. Amie Boerup and Jeremiah Gaefke won Opera Guild Donor Awards in the amounts of $250 and $100, respectively.

David Craig accompanied the singers, who competed with students from UA and southern Arizona.

-By Liza Porter

Japanese speech
contest April 24

The 8th Annual Tucson Japanese Speech Contest will take place at Northwest Campus, Building A-207, on Saturday, April 24, from noon to 5 p.m.

Students will give original speeches and receive awards based on their mastery of Japanese and the creativity of the speech.

The event will include exhibitions of origami, anime, calligraphy and ikebana. Demonstrations of archery, aikido and the Japanese tea ceremony will also take place.

For more information, contact Yosei Sugara at ysugara@pima.edu. The event is free and open to the public.

-By Liza Porter

Writing workshop
set April 23-25

Melanie Lenart will lead a creative writing workshop in “Writing Environmental Stories” April 23-25 at West Campus.

The workshop will focus on environmental writing for nonfiction media including newspapers, magazines and Web-based publications.

Concepts covered also will apply to fiction with themes involving environmental topics, and provide students with guidance for incorporating environmental science into stories.

Lenart, an accomplished writer and scientist, was an environmental columnist for a daily San Juan newspaper and was lead author of a 2007 Climate Assessment for the Southwest book compilation “Global Warming in the Southwest.”

The workshop will run Friday from 6-8 p.m. and on Saturday and Sunday from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.

Participants can earn two academic credits. Tuition costs $103 for Arizona residents.

For more information, contact Meg Files at 206-6084 or at mfiles@pima.edu.

-By Laura Halverson

Issue 7 Horoscopes

By Taylor Bock

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Think before you buy, Taurus. Plan your purchases clearly or you might waste your money. Do you really need a gilded statue of Chuck Norris? Is he doing a roundhouse kick? If he’s not in mid-kick, it’s not worth it.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Next time co-workers start giving you advice, do what I do. Pretend to listen but play Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up” in your head. Don’t dance to it, or they might catch on.

Cancer (June 22- July 22)
Will you relax, Cancer? You need to just mellow out, relax, close your eyes and lower your defenses while I put this tarantula on your shoulder.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)
Give a shot to learning something new, Leo. Learn a new language. Or try learning multiple languages. If that sounds too hard, just learn swear words in other languages.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)
Do you feel a lack of purpose these days? Feeling lazy and lethargic? Maybe even a little depressed? Go buy yourself a kitten. If that doesn’t raise your spirits, you are one pathetic individual.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
How are things going relationship-wise, Libra? It’s wonderful to be close with someone. It’s great to have someone to share secrets or embarrassing stories. Someone who won’t get grossed out by your toenail clippings you keep in a jar.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
It’s time for you to be the teacher. If someone needs advice, dole it out. It doesn’t matter if it’s good advice, just do your best. Does your friend need relationship advice? Tell him to swallow fire ants.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)
It’s time to get manly, Sagittarius. Even if you’re a woman, get fierce and primal. Fight a shark, bare-knuckle brawl a bear and finally…watch a straight-to-DVD Barbie movie. Because that’s how hardcore you are.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)
Having trouble making decisions, Capricorn? Learn to compromise. Can’t decide between the Chuck Norris statue and the Bruce Lee bust? Compromise! Cut off Chuck’s head and glue on the Bruce Lee bust.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Do you feel a spark in the air when you’re with your special someone? When you’re together, do you sense electricity in the air? Do you smell gas? Are you getting woozy? Dude! Get out! The place is gonna blow!

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)
Bide your time, Pisces. Be patient and wait for the right time to come. You heard that ice cream truck jingle, so you know it’s around somewhere. Don’t chase it down. Just coil up and prepare to strike at the first scent of Fudgesicles.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Go hang out, chill. Find some cool-guy shades and walk around looking cool. The world could be ending, but you’ll just keep walking. Because you’re a cool guy.

ASK GABI: Stop seeking perfection

By Gabi Piña

We’ve all heard the saying “no one is perfect” and understand the statement to be true. I also understand that perfection, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.

“Perfect,” in the sense that every aspect of a relationship should be happy-go-lucky and nothing ever goes wrong, is extremely boring. Romantic bonds are meant to have the waters tested and should get your hands dirty.

Stop tippy-toeing around certain things because you’re afraid to hurt each other’s feelings. We’re all very different people and don’t agree with everything our lovers say.

Love may be blind, but no matter how blind love gets, it can still see that there’s room for disagreement.

Sugar-coating your way through a relationship is just another way of lying. People should look for a mate who can disagree with an idea.

Predictability is not flattering. It doesn’t make a relationship “perfect.” Would you rather have a partner who keeps you on your toes on a daily basis? Or someone whose actions you know like the back of your hand?

Another point that might mark the start of a failing relationship is being too affectionate.

“Oh my gosh, baby, I love you so much.”

“I love you, too. You’re the only thing that’s always on my mind. I can’t live without you.”

Really? So you’re telling me you’ll drop dead once I leave?

Keep in mind the person you’re in a relationship with. Will they find that your actions are too much? I’m no expert, but I definitely speak for a lot of people when I say that most do not like being smothered.

Red flags will start rising from all possible sides and your sweetheart will run the opposite direction. You’ll then be stripped of all your dignity and apparently will soon drop dead.

But that’s OK, because your 20-second relationship was perfect from start to finish.

CRACKING WISE: False bachelorettes and free drinks

By David Mendez

Here’s a sentence I never once considered before last weekend: I’m starting to wish I looked good in a skirt.

Before you ask, no, I don’t have a fetish for angora sweaters like Ed Wood, I don’t plan on performing a one-man comedy show in heels like Eddie Izzard and I don’t plan on becoming head of the FBI like J. Edgar Hoover.

(Tangent: It may be coincidence, but it’s almost eerie when you realize that, off the top of my head, I rattled off the names of three famous transvestites whose names begin with “Ed.” Someone should look into this more.)

No, this bit of “wishful” thinking came about, as you might expect, during a night of drinking with friends.

I was out celebrating a friend’s birthday, attempting to make small talk with a bunch of people I had never met before and likely would never run into again, when my friend told a story about how a supposedly gay man had come up to her, saying that her dress was “fabulous.” He then bought her and her friend drinks.

(“Supposedly” would be the key word here, by the way. It’s kind of hard for a woman to consider a man to be gay when he’s constantly feeling her up while dancing).

Not long after that, we ran into some more people the birthday girl knew — this time, a bachelorette party. Kinda.

Apparently, these young women were actually celebrating a birthday for the “bride-to-be” by going out to bars, pretending to be part of her wedding party.

“We just thought this would be the best way to get free drinks,” one celebrant wearing a penis-hat told me.

In all honesty, it’s not really a shocker that women are able to get drinks so easily. After all, they tend to have a few things that men want more desperately than air. Even hinting that those things could be obtainable will drive most guys just short of killing their best friends.

Perhaps this is just a way of getting back at the male establishment for the years upon years of degradation. After all, women holding the same jobs as male counterparts still make less money, and have that little burden of the glass ceiling to deal with.

But this isn’t about gender politics. This is about equality. This is about free drinks!

And dammit, if I have to wear a dress to get a free whiskey sour, you best believe that I’ll trade my self-esteem and leg hair for not having to pay $7 for a well drink.