Learn some manners, gamers!

By Mike Hawkins

Online gaming is fun. You get to blast fools without getting arrested, dominate real opposition on virtual playing fields and even make a new friend or two. At least in theory.

In reality you have a good time with the games, but you’ll nearly always be inundated by a sea of moronic behavior, potentially drowning your enjoyment.

I’m not going to complain about the rampant racism, homophobia and sexism that exists in online gaming. That’s just passe. Here, I plan to sound off against, and suggest some quality fixes for, a few of the more irritating acts propagated on XBOX Live and PlayStation Network.

First on my list is children, or everybody under 16 years old. I can’t stand their voices. One of them is bad enough but any more than that sounds like the front row of a Justin Bieber concert. And when they get mad their voices get even higher… I just want to choke them.

XBL and PSN should make separate rooms for teeny-boppers and regular people. There’s no reason we should have to put up with those scamps. Besides, they like each other anyway.

Next up are boosters, people who team up to beat each other so it looks like they’re excellent. For example, you and I join a game where we won’t be the only ones playing. We find a quiet corner, where you proceed to kill me repeatedly. Next game is my turn to be the killer.

Sounds pathetic, right? Of course it does. How sad does your life need to be that you’ll cheat to make yourself look better than you really are at a video game? What happens when you play someone good and it’s obvious that you suck?

Video games are meant to be fun. People who feel the need to ruin other people’s enjoyment shouldn’t be part of the group. I’m sure XBL and PSN can trace their specific game systems. They should ban the cheaters. Just that simple.

The final fetid gonads are folks who play music over their headphones. Do you play music over XBL or PSN? If you said “yes,” slap yourself. Hard. Don’t get me wrong. I love music, just not over the Internet off a video game microphone. It always sounds crappy and they never play a song you want to hear.

Just the other week I was playing “Modern Warfare 2” and two prepubescent scallywags thought they were auditioning for “American Idol” during the same game.

One kid was having a singalong to Owl City’s “Fireflies,” while the other little cretin played Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance.” But not even the whole song. He had it on a loop that just kept going, “Gaga, oh lala… roma oh rama…” You want to stab them just hearing about it.

XBL and PSN should rectify this situation by hiring music slappers. If you play music over your headphones, one of these fine employees will come to your house and slap the top four layers of skin off your face. It’s a very fair punishment.

It really shouldn’t even be an issue. All you have to do is not be an ass online. That and kick your little brother in the chest if you hear him screeching into the Internet.

Video games are meant to be fun. Don’t spoil other people’s experience.