By Taylor Bock
Aries (March 21-April 19)
All will be well, Aries. Never lose sight of your hopes and follow your dreams. (Everyone else needs to be really nice to Aries, because the horoscope for Aries actually really sucks this week.) Yeah, you’ll be just fine, Aries.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Don’t just see with your eyes, Taurus. Use your senses to get an idea of what’s going on around you. If your senses are really good, like you can dodge punches and find stuff by scent, you should go out and fight crime.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Take a step back, Gemini. Assess the current situation. You’re late to class, but a buddy just brought a super-large pizza for everyone to share. What should you do? Why, it’s obvious. Classes will always be around, but that pizza won’t.
Cancer (June 22- July 22)
Do you notice really snobbish or spoiled people lately, Cancer? Do they just tick you off to no end? Well that’s a good line of thinking to go down. Go knock some sense into some preppy, rich hipster.
Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)
Take it slow, Leo. There’s no reason to rush anything. Take everything at a relaxed and easy pace. Unless a truck is about to hit you. Then you should speed the hell out of the way.
Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)
Is it getting a bit hard to think things through, Virgo? Maybe your heart just nabbed the controls away from your brain. Do what it tells you to do for a few days and see what happens. Don’t listen to your liver, though. Livers are jerks.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
It’s good to be spontaneous, Libra. But you do have to be careful. There are some places where it isn’t good to just barrel in party-style. Like a funeral, for example. Don’t go up and start puppeteering with the corpse.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You got the hots for anyone, Scorpio? Use caution if you’re seeking a mate. He or she may seem good at the time, but it’s incredibly easy for ‘love at first sight’ to become ‘this just ain’t right.’
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)
You have a good heart, Sagittarius. Just try not to lose control and wind up doing something you’ll regret. Like double-dating with Scorpio and his/her date. I’m telling you now, it won’t end well.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)
You mad, Capricorn? Don’t be. It’s easy to fly off the handle at any little thing, but keep a cap on your emotions. If you don’t, you may end up punching a hole in your parent’s kitchen wall because the trash can fell over.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Have you been ignoring your relatives, Aquarius? Give your parents a call and tell them that you love them. If you have no family, go home and tell your pet that you love it. If you don’t have a pet, then you sound lonely. Go buy a hamster.
Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)
Use your fears and desires to motivate you, Pisces. Sometimes, you just have to let your emotions go in order to achieve your goal. But try not to use anger as motivation or you’ll end up like Capricorn.