CRACKING WISE: False bachelorettes and free drinks

By David Mendez

Here’s a sentence I never once considered before last weekend: I’m starting to wish I looked good in a skirt.

Before you ask, no, I don’t have a fetish for angora sweaters like Ed Wood, I don’t plan on performing a one-man comedy show in heels like Eddie Izzard and I don’t plan on becoming head of the FBI like J. Edgar Hoover.

(Tangent: It may be coincidence, but it’s almost eerie when you realize that, off the top of my head, I rattled off the names of three famous transvestites whose names begin with “Ed.” Someone should look into this more.)

No, this bit of “wishful” thinking came about, as you might expect, during a night of drinking with friends.

I was out celebrating a friend’s birthday, attempting to make small talk with a bunch of people I had never met before and likely would never run into again, when my friend told a story about how a supposedly gay man had come up to her, saying that her dress was “fabulous.” He then bought her and her friend drinks.

(“Supposedly” would be the key word here, by the way. It’s kind of hard for a woman to consider a man to be gay when he’s constantly feeling her up while dancing).

Not long after that, we ran into some more people the birthday girl knew — this time, a bachelorette party. Kinda.

Apparently, these young women were actually celebrating a birthday for the “bride-to-be” by going out to bars, pretending to be part of her wedding party.

“We just thought this would be the best way to get free drinks,” one celebrant wearing a penis-hat told me.

In all honesty, it’s not really a shocker that women are able to get drinks so easily. After all, they tend to have a few things that men want more desperately than air. Even hinting that those things could be obtainable will drive most guys just short of killing their best friends.

Perhaps this is just a way of getting back at the male establishment for the years upon years of degradation. After all, women holding the same jobs as male counterparts still make less money, and have that little burden of the glass ceiling to deal with.

But this isn’t about gender politics. This is about equality. This is about free drinks!

And dammit, if I have to wear a dress to get a free whiskey sour, you best believe that I’ll trade my self-esteem and leg hair for not having to pay $7 for a well drink.

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