Issue 5 horoscopes

By Taylor Bock

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’re a romantic through and through, Taurus. Your love is so deep that you’re guaranteed happiness. Oh wait, that’s from last year. Your current horoscope says you’re a loser and you’ll die alone.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Pay attention to your elders, Gemini. It pays to listen to what they have to say. That way you get a chance to be in their will and get all their stuff when they die. Don’t be afraid to help along that last part.

Cancer (June 22- July 22)
Things suck, Cancer. Not everything will go your way, and you can’t get too upset about it. Chances are, nothing will ever go your way. Get used to your new home: Mediocrity-ville.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)
You’re able to brighten anyone’s day, Leo. But considering I’m lacing everyone’s horoscopes with venom this issue, I have to insult you somehow. I know: your feet smell and you need a haircut.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)
You’ve got some interesting ideas, Virgo. It’s too bad they all suck. What? I’ll bet the creators of the Hindenburg would have liked to know the blimp would crash and burn.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Next time you start daydreaming, don’t come out of it, Libra. Just stay there. The longer you stay in la-la-land, the longer you can escape your depressing little blip of an existence.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Scorpio, go hang out with real people. No, not your raiding party in World of Warcraft. I mean actual living, breathing people. They’re human beings. People. Oh forget it, I give up.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)
I’m being really mean to everyone else, but you know what? You’re cool, Sagittarius. You’re going to have a lovely next few weeks, until the next paper comes out. Then I’ll rip you a new one so big you could park a semi-truck in it.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)
Be cautious, Capricorn. You never know who’s watching. Someone could be watching you right now. I could be watching you… Nah, I’m just messing with you. God, you’re gullible.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Don’t lose your temper, Aquarius. Nothing good ever happens when you succumb to rage. Although it is pretty damn funny to watch someone explode like that. Actually, you should go berserk. I’ll get some popcorn and take a seat.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)
Ooooh, you’re in trouble, Pisces. The authorities know what you did and they’re coming right now to take you away. You’ll share a cell with Aquarius and, believe me, he will not be a pleasant cellmate.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
If you’re curious, Aries, I’ve had a bad head cold and I’m cranky. That’s why I’m being so vicious toward the other signs. But I’m sparing you and Sagittarius. I decided that you’re both cool this week, for no particular reason.