Issue 4 Horoscope

By Taylor Bock

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Don’t dwell too much on the future, Taurus. Try to live your life in the here and now. Anxiety and stress shorten your lifespan. All the more reason not to think about it if you’re the really nervous type.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Keep your mouth shut, Gemini. That comment you made about the guy with the huge mole might come back to haunt you. If he confronts you, how can you take him seriously if you’re staring at the giant mole?

Cancer (June 22- July 22)
Make yourself look good, Cancer. No one wants to be friends with a big ugly smelly guy. Unless it’s another big ugly smelly guy. Then you can start a club called “The Big Ugly Smelly Guy Club.” I nominate you for president.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)
Don’t be taken in by Internet scams, Leo. I’ve won the Irish lottery seven times, gotten four urgent messages from the president of Africa and three e-mails from long-lost cousins who need money for their duck farm. Yes, that last one was real.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)
You’re just going to have to get up and do something, Virgo. Not all things come to those who wait. Some things come to those who rise up and kick ass.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You lack discipline, Libra. You need to be more strict, more on-time and more diligent. I’m going to show you how…eventually. Maybe tomorrow. Hey, can you get me a soda?

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Sorry, Scorpio. I know I told Virgo to get up and be awesome but you’ll have to sit around and wait. Maybe you and Libra can hang out for the day. And Libra, I’m still waiting for my soda.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)
You aren’t as weak as you look, Sagittarius. Somewhere inside is a fierce and able warrior ready to tackle great challenges. Your first challenge: tell Libra to get here with that soda. Seriously, he’s taking forever.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)
I have nothing to tell you, Capricorn. Just relax and stay cool. As for YOU, Libra, I’m really tired of waiting for my soda. If you aren’t going to bring it to me, don’t bother coming back.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Stop worrying, Aquarius. Everything is going to be fine. Oh and I’m sorry Libra, I shouldn’t have been so harsh. I don’t really need that soda. I’m sorry I got mad. Hugs?

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)
Take it slow today, Pisces. No need to rush anywhere. Lay back and relax. But before you do, would you mind getting me a soda? I mean, things are cool with Libra now, but I’m still thirsty.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
OK Aries, you’re my last hope. I really want that soda, but Libra and Pisces won’t get me one. I’m counting on you, man. What? What do you mean “no?” Fine, screw all you guys. I’ll get up and get it myself. Sheesh.