Issue 3 Horoscopes

By Taylor Bock

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You’re going to come across something seemingly amazing, Aries. But remember that things aren’t always as they seem. That deluxe ultra cheeseburger with extra bacon just might have a cockroach in it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Sometimes you just have to realize when something is a bad idea, Taurus. For example, it may seem like a good idea to tell a dead baby joke. But it may be a bad idea to tell a dead baby joke to woman who just had a miscarriage.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Be nice to people today, Gemini. If one of your friends is low on cash for lunch, buy him something. Then next time you’re low on cash, you can say “But dude! I got you lunch last time! You totally owe me!”

Cancer (June 22- July 22)

Try something new, Cancer. Who knows? It could lead to some real good or even love. Maybe try rock climbing. When you fall off and get mangled on the way down, you could meet a cute paramedic when they take you to the hospital.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

You’re on fire today, Leo! No really, you’re on fire! Quit reading, and stop, drop and roll!

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

You have some good ideas, Virgo. Get out there and share them with the world. That electric toothbrush/toaster combination is pure genius. It’s sure to take off eventually.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Use your charisma to your advantage, Libra. Once you have someone in the palm of your hand, get them to buy you ice cream. Just make sure you and Gemini don’t choose the same guy, or else he’ll suspect something.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Stay cool, Scorpio. No matter what kind of crazy thing goes down today, keep calm and chill. If there’s a Godzilla attack, lean up against a streetlight and put on your shades. You don’t care if buildings are exploding. You’re just being cool.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)

You need to slow down your head, Sagittarius. You’re thinking far too hard about things. Slow things down and think simple. If you can’t decide between ketchup and hot sauce, compromise and mix them together. It’s actually pretty good.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)

You’re the captain today, Capricorn. Command your hardy crew, take your ship to the seas and set sail for new lands. Or maybe just carpool to a movie theater if the latter option seems a bit too tough.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Good lord, Aquarius. You may be a cool person, but don’t get a swelled head about it. You aren’t God’s gift to the planet. Calm down your ego a few notches and don’t be such a jerk.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)

Do a little experimenting, Pisces. I would suggest a lengthy study on what shoes cause the most pain when you kick a guy in the balls. Finding willing participants will be hard, though. I suggest Gemini, he’s gullible lately.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *