HOROSCOPE

By Taylor Bock

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Don’t ignore that voice in your head, Aquarius. If it’s telling you to get things done, do them. If it’s telling you to burn things, please move a few yards away from me.

Pisces (Feb.19-March 20)
Cheaters never prosper, Pisces. It’s always a bad idea to take the easy way out. That is, unless you’re really good at it. People always say you have to play to your strengths.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
It’s time to start whatever big projects you have lined up, Aries. Like moving that rank old couch out of your 5th story apartment when you don’t even remember how you got it there in the first place.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
If you’ve earned something, Taurus, take it. Don’t let anyone else take credit. If this is a problem, I suggest a duel. Pistols at dawn should work nicely.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Are you getting enough sleep, Gemini? Are you so tired that you close your eyes while you’re driving? Well start getting some damn rest or a head-on collision will be your wake-up call.

Cancer (June 22- July 22)
Stick to places that feel comfortable, Cancer. There’s a time for exploring and discovery, but this isn’t it. Stay home if you can. Catch up on some sleep so you don’t wind up like Gemini.

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)
Heed the advice I gave to Pisces, Leo. Cheating and shortcuts never work. Get down and dirty and do some hard work. If any Pisces give you a smug, smart-ass look, throw a solid punch. They probably deserve it.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)
Don’t put off that talk, Virgo. Your friend is causing problems, so don’t shirk the responsibility. Someone has to tell him the constant “Your Momma” jokes are not funny.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You should stay home too, Libra. But while chilling, work on your living space. Clean your bathroom once in a while. I’ve seen gas station rest rooms that look more inviting.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Feeling jealous, Scorpio? Don’t let other people’s success get to you. You’ll get to the top one day. For now, just try to be happy with your pitiful, unsuccessful and pointless existence.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21)
The actual Internet horoscopes have advised Cancer and Libra to stay home. You know what, screw the horoscopes. Go outside, Sagittarius. Just to rebel against the horoscope authority.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19)
There’s a bomb in your lunch, Capricorn. No really, there’s a bomb. You should give me your food. I’ll sacrifice myself and eat it for you. What? Why are you giving me that look? I’m totally serious here.